Why are CD sales plummeting year after year? It's not because iTunes is so much better; it's because some of the album titles were so retarded we were ashamed to be overheard asking for them.
Don't believe us? Imagine yourself walking up to the counter and asking if they have a copy of...
#20. C-Murder - The Truest Shit I Ever Said
After sales of Don't Believe Any of This Shit, They All Lies came in less than expected, the New Orleans rapper flipped his style up with this album.
C-Murder's newfound commitment to complete honesty and transparency in his rap operation actually began a couple of years earlier, when he apparently decided he could not refer to himself as "C-Murder" unless he shot a guy. He's currently serving life in prison, though it appears to be in one of those prisons where you're still allowed to record rap albums.
#19. Fall Out Boy - Fall Out Boy' Evening Out with Your Girlfriend
OK, we're thinking your girlfriend would be pretty safe with Fall Out Boy. Maybe they'd steal her makeup and read bad poetry about how difficult it is to be famous. After returning from her "Evening Out," we're thinking she'd love you twice as much for the mere fact that you can make it through dinner without crying three times.
If the situation arises, we'd strongly recommend letting your girl spend an evening with Fall Out Boy rather than, say, Tommy Lee.
#18. The Kinks - The Kinks are the Village Green Preservation Society
As Wikipedia puts it, the awkward album title was intended "as a gentle homage to English hamlet life, and by extension, to the innocence and idealization of past times and people." Are you rocking yet? It would be one thing if the title was meant to be an ironic contrast to the scrotum-grinding guitar anthems on the album. Instead this rocks about as hard as, well, if a Village Green Preservation Society actually put out an album.
We have to give them credit, though. It seems like they put too much thought into the title and ended up with something with so many layers of irony that it only made sense to them. But, too much thought is certainly preferable to ...
#17. Madonna/311 - Music
First, we already knew it was music, Madonna. We found it in a music store. Second, the band 311 already named an album Music a few years before. Maybe they were going for a "so lame it's cool" title but if so, that's not the sort of thing you can do twice.
No, this reminds us more of the generic brands they used to have at the grocery store, white cans that just said "beer" in black, block letters and tasted like it had been used to bathe a dog just prior to canning. Usually when the creators of the product can barely be bothered to name it, it probably is not the result of loving, diligent craftsmanship.
#16. Fiona Apple - When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You'll Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know That You're Right
This one definitely wins the Most Pretentious award. Officially the longest album title, ever, this is actually a poem written in response to some bad press Fiona got and, we're thinking, probably deserved.
As the saying goes, revenge is best served by making your next album title a complete laughing stock that sounds like something an unfunny high-school punk band would do "just to piss people off."
#15. Toby Keith - Shock'n Y'all
It's entirely possible the terrorists could make a propaganda film depicting a stereotypical ignorant American, and accidentally wind up with Toby Keith. This album title sums him up in three syllables, mocking a phrase used to describe the initial phase of the war on Iraq.
Of course, Toby wasn't actually "shock'n" any of us, not to mention all of us. Shocking would be if he made an album with a clever title, or one called Move On Dot Orgasm or Marry Me, Sean Penn.
#14. Kansas Ã¢â‚¬" Point of Know Return
What does this even mean? Is this album the point where the band knows it sucks so much it can never make another good album again? Is this the point where a musician's mind degrades to the point it loses all ability to know anything ever again?
This one sounds like the band had five minutes to submit an album title and thought of the first word that had two different spellings.
#13. Keith Murray - Rap-Murr-Phobia (The Fear Of Real Hip-Hop)
You know your album title is bad when you need to put the meaning in parenthesis after it. It seems like the title is a take on the word rapperphobia, with "Murr" from "Murray" stuck in there. Perhaps Murray meant to suggest that while rapperphobia means "a fear of hip-hop," rapmurrphobia just means a fear of real hip-hop, which of course is generated in plenty by Mr. Murray. Perhaps he means that the perpetrators of fake or weak hip-hop have a condition where they are afraid of so-called real rappers like himself due to his ability to bring the raw shit they love on the streets.
These are all things that might be worth pondering, if only the title didn't sound like something mispronounced by Mushmouth from Fat Albert.
#12. Squeeze - Cosi Fan Tutti Frutti
How do you manage to make a Mozart reference in your title (it' a play on the Mozart opera "Cosi fan tutte") and still come off sounding about as intellectual as Weird Al Yankovic? Look no further than the cover art, which features: a tea cozy (Cosi… close enough!) a fan and a dessert called Tutti Frutti.
Put it all together and you've got an album that looks like it was named and designed by a panel of kindergarteners. If only all artists looked to the Brain Buster round of Think Fast for album title inspiration.
#11. Elton John - Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy
We can't put our finger on it, but there' something wrong about this one. There's nothing overtly filthy about it. It's like Elton John's effort to root out any homophobia in our subconscious.
Sure, the album is really about Elton' early career with his writer Bernie Taupin, who is the Brown Dirt Cowboy because he lives on a ranch and probably likes riding horses and roping steers. But since most people don't know that, it just sounds like a night in Elton John' life that most of us just didn't want to know about.