It's happened to everyone. You're driving along listening to the radio when you hear a lyric so mind-bogglingly false that you instinctively swerve directly into a telephone pole, blinded by sheer amazement at the idiotic idea you've been asked to accept. Well, we're not going to take these artists' claims at face value anymore. Here are the most outrageous assertions that pop music has asked us to accept over the last four decades.
#15. "We can do it till we both wake up."
Color Me Badd, "I Want to Sex You Up"
First off, it's hard to believe that anyone can have sex while they're asleep, and harder still to believing that all four members of Color Me Badd have been blessed with this amazing talent. Look at these stooges-the dude in the flip shades is clearly still a virgin, and the guy doing Blue Steel up front looks like he just stepped out of a SuperCuts poster. Also, since they say "till we both
wake up," does that mean the girl isn't aware of what's happening? Because if that's the case, we're pretty sure that's sexual assault.
#14. "Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick's gots to fit / With my nuts on ya tonsils"
Dr. Dre followed by Snoop Dogg, "Fuck Wit' Dre Day"
Here, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg decide the best way to voice their displeasure with Eazy-E is to rap about sexually assaulting him. In fact, the song contains countless lines that would be at home at a prison rape orgy (we've been to many of these), including "It's time for the doctor to check your ass," "Play with my bone, would ya Timmy?" "I'm hollering 187 with my dick in your mouth," "Luke's bending over, so Luke's getting fucked," and, of course, "Eazy-E can eat a big fat dick."
That's not even mentioning the above one-two punch of outrage. First, Dr. Dre claims that his dick can fit between Eazy-E's two front teeth, which is both the least impressive brag about dick size in rap history and proof that Dr. Dre has no idea how fellatio is performed. Next, Snoop drops in to serve notice that his nuts are in fact on Eazy's tonsils, which would give Snoop the longest scrotum in recorded history. We're not 100 percent sure why that's supposed to be impressive.
13 (tie) "Every freak should have a picture of my dick on they wall."
Rich Boy featuring Polow Da Don, "Throw Some D's"
Polow Da Don, you have to be a little more assertive! Most rappers won't think twice before bragging about slapping hos and all you can muster up is suggesting-not even demanding-that a picture of your penis be hung on "every freak's" wall? In the same song, Rich Boy raps about selling crack and buying a Cadillac, but all we can picture is you taking webcam photos of your dong, carefully placing them in frames from Pottery Barn, and sending each one out to a freak along with a tersely worded note urging that it be hung on, um, they wall.
13 (tie) "My paragraph alone is worth five mics. A 12-song LP, that's 36 mics."
Redman, "Five Boroughs"
But wait a second, isn't five times 12, um, 60? To make the math correct, Red would have had to spread 7.2 paragraphs over the course of his 12 songs, averaging 3/5 of a paragraph per song. So, either Red made a mathematically convoluted concept album in which paragraphs span from one song to the next, or he just assumed that his fans were retarded and said a bunch of numbers to confuse them. It's definitely one of the two, though we'd hate to think that the star of How High
and countless deodorant commercials would condescend to his fan base like that.