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The 15 Most Outrageous Claims in Pop Music History

By CRACKED Staff April 18, 2007 184,178 views
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It's happened to everyone. You're driving along listening to the radio when you hear a lyric so mind-bogglingly false that you instinctively swerve directly into a telephone pole, blinded by sheer amazement at the idiotic idea you've been asked to accept. Well, we're not going to take these artists' claims at face value anymore. Here are the most outrageous assertions that pop music has asked us to accept over the last four decades.
15
"We can do it till we both wake up."
Color Me Badd, "I Want to Sex You Up"
First off, it's hard to believe that anyone can have sex while they're asleep, and harder still to believing that all four members of Color Me Badd have been blessed with this amazing talent. Look at these stooges-the dude in the flip shades is clearly still a virgin, and the guy doing Blue Steel up front looks like he just stepped out of a SuperCuts poster. Also, since they say "till we both wake up," does that mean the girl isn't aware of what's happening? Because if that's the case, we're pretty sure that's sexual assault.
14
"Gap teeth in ya mouth so my dick's gots to fit / With my nuts on ya tonsils"
Dr. Dre followed by Snoop Dogg, "Fuck Wit' Dre Day"
Here, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg decide the best way to voice their displeasure with Eazy-E is to rap about sexually assaulting him. In fact, the song contains countless lines that would be at home at a prison rape orgy (we've been to many of these), including "It's time for the doctor to check your ass," "Play with my bone, would ya Timmy?" "I'm hollering 187 with my dick in your mouth," "Luke's bending over, so Luke's getting fucked," and, of course, "Eazy-E can eat a big fat dick." That's not even mentioning the above one-two punch of outrage. First, Dr. Dre claims that his dick can fit between Eazy-E's two front teeth, which is both the least impressive brag about dick size in rap history and proof that Dr. Dre has no idea how fellatio is performed. Next, Snoop drops in to serve notice that his nuts are in fact on Eazy's tonsils, which would give Snoop the longest scrotum in recorded history. We're not 100 percent sure why that's supposed to be impressive.
13 (tie)
"Every freak should have a picture of my dick on they wall."
Rich Boy featuring Polow Da Don, "Throw Some D's"
Polow Da Don, you have to be a little more assertive! Most rappers won't think twice before bragging about slapping hos and all you can muster up is suggesting-not even demanding-that a picture of your penis be hung on "every freak's" wall? In the same song, Rich Boy raps about selling crack and buying a Cadillac, but all we can picture is you taking webcam photos of your dong, carefully placing them in frames from Pottery Barn, and sending each one out to a freak along with a tersely worded note urging that it be hung on, um, they wall.
13 (tie)
"My paragraph alone is worth five mics. A 12-song LP, that's 36 mics."
Redman, "Five Boroughs"
But wait a second, isn't five times 12, um, 60? To make the math correct, Red would have had to spread 7.2 paragraphs over the course of his 12 songs, averaging 3/5 of a paragraph per song. So, either Red made a mathematically convoluted concept album in which paragraphs span from one song to the next, or he just assumed that his fans were retarded and said a bunch of numbers to confuse them. It's definitely one of the two, though we'd hate to think that the star of How High and countless deodorant commercials would condescend to his fan base like that.

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54 Comments

Ok for all the people who where angry because the lyrics wern't interpreted in the metaphorical sense are raging assholes with no sense of humour. if you couldn't understande th fatc he was taking the literal sense of the words to create humour the your sir are a butt hole and should be banned from the internet. End Rage. also good article

4/18/2009 8:48:52 AM
superjimmy300

Everyone's gay in thier own special way. Kurt taught us that in kindergarden.

2/21/2009 9:20:23 PM
RuvreeJohnson

OMG! #13 & 3 are my all time favs!

1/17/2009 10:21:43 PM
Muffy_Simba

Hmm, I always thought that the "everybody's gay" statement in All Apologies was a poke at homophobic people, or something like that. Also, I thought that the quote from Jim Morrison was going to be "I am the Lizard King/ I can do anything" from Not To Touch The Earth. What with Morris being not a king, a lizard, nor omnipotent.

12/26/2008 2:49:17 PM
KwantumMekanik

man this is funny

12/18/2008 6:34:15 PM
davo

If you want more fucked up s**t...go pick up a book of Jim Morrison's poetry. "Ode to my Dick" is a favorite.

12/11/2008 8:12:48 AM
Maryland_Belle

I'm pretty sure"back-to-back" means "over-and-over again".

12/8/2008 12:50:03 PM
DemonCow

"gap teeth in your mouth so my dicks got to fit" is a quality line... btw just found cracked and its amazing. spend like hours every day on it... and im meant to be studying haha

10/27/2008 1:10:08 PM
jackc1

Is it a coincidence that a lot of these s****y claims are from rap music...oops sorry must have been a typo...

10/17/2008 11:02:48 PM
nova_NIN

Jim Morrison was handsome during that photo session, he soon became fat and bloated.

10/8/2008 1:04:24 PM
interstella

OOOOOOR we could all admit that Jim Morrison was an overrated rubbish singer, without reading 4 books of ramblings.
If he was still alive today, the doors would be about half as famous as they are now. If he'd been an ugly dude, they'd be half as famous again

10/6/2008 3:07:33 PM
hybridtheorist

*shudders* @ mental image from billy joel's song

9/7/2008 5:25:04 PM
Anna Sassin

Kurt was probably just saying that no one is perfect and we all have some inherent flaws. Or he saw it as a lyric that rhymed with "say" and could be analyzed for meaning. Whatever. Nevermind.

9/4/2008 4:26:28 PM
slacker2788

since im taking pop to mean popular,
i really like billy joels music, but sad to say, hes not that popular anymore, at least not to the teenagers, i asked a ton of kids if they knew who billy joel was, and only one said "isnt he that piano guy?"
so, billy joel isnt really pop.

8/14/2008 4:16:27 PM
willyhassertt

okay........one thing i'd really like to know: what the hell does cracked have against jim morrison? f**k me, I've seen so many bitchy comments on the Doors or Jim on this site that I could have sworn that Grace Slick was a writer here. I mean really....you can rag on Jim Morrison after, and only after, you've read all four books of his poetry. and completely erased that god-awful, insultingly inaccurate and non chronological peice of s**t done by Oliver Stone.
Ever heard of Rimbaud or Nietzsche...that's where it was f*****g at.

7/16/2008 3:53:58 PM
dionysius

When Snoop says, 'Gap teeth in your mouth so my dicks got to fit' he was refering to Luther Campbell, not Eazy-E. Luke has a huge gap in his front teeth.

6/26/2008 10:41:14 AM
gregman86

Anyone there want to chat with me on music? Let's mingle here at ukinterracialmatch.com_______, where many black and white singles meet and seek fun&love together! U will not be disappointed!

6/14/2008 12:12:36 AM
sallyloves

See, it's lists like this that make me think the Cracked staff is:

A) Really bored
B) Really just a bunch of comedians
C) Totally serious about trivial things

I'm really not sure what to make of them.

6/7/2008 9:30:35 PM
MemoryCard

The last time "gay" meant happy was sometime around 1940, so stop acting like you've stumbled on some novel concept. More than likely, Mr. Cobain was being *ironic* with his use of *hyperbole*, but these ideas are clearly too advanced for someone who's still impressed by the alternative definitions found in your American Heritage College Dictionary.

6/7/2008 6:31:47 PM
moskwa

OK, a little late, but I find your #1 ridiculous. The whole line is: "You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans / I eat more chicken than any man ever seen." As a back-door man is one who sneaks out the back door when the husband comes home -- Morrison (orig. Howling Wolf) is saying that the man's wife feeds him better than the husband. Jim Morrison had a lot of weird, non-nonsensical lyrics, but this is not one of them.

6/5/2008 11:08:39 AM
flairman

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