The 15 Best Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation

#9. "St. Swithin's Day"

Billy Bragg
With my own hands,
When I make love to your memory,
It's not the same.
I miss the thunder,
I miss the rain.

For everyone's favorite socialist troubadour Billy Bragg, masturbating and bad weather seem inextricably linked. Funny, for us, it's always been attractive women that aren't wearing many clothes. But whatever you're into, Bill. (And since you should never have to think about some people masturbating, we've embedded a video of an attractive woman named Sarah Blackwood singing the song instead of Mr. Bragg.)

#8. "Dancing With Myself"

Billy Idol
When there's no-one else in sight,
In the crowded lonely night,
Well I wait so long,
For my love vibration,
And I'm dancing with myself.

This song could actually be about dancing with oneself. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But Billy Idol is such a jerk-off, and "love vibration" is such a lame phrase, that it's almost definitely about jerking off. Fun Fact: while this song was ironic in the '80s when Billy Idol could get laid easier than he could get groceries, it's lyrics, sadly, are true now-Billy Idol spends most days dancing around his one-bedroom apartment naked, jacking off once or twice an hour. Life really imitates art, doesn't it?

#7. "The Keys to Her Ferrari"

Thomas Dolby
Little rivers of anticipation ran down my inseam,
As I kicked those 500 Italian horses into life and left reality behind me.
50, 60, 70 miles an hour,
My hand slipped inside the belt of my trousers,
As we hit 80, 90 miles an hour,
And as we passed the magic100 my love exploded,
All over her bright pink leather interior,
And at that moment, I thought of my mother.

There's a lot going on here, and we're not exactly sure what to make of any of it. To begin with, when sexually aroused, Mr. Dolby experiences little rivers running down his inseam. So, does that mean he has a vagina? Does it mean he pees his pants a little bit when faced with the prospect of sexual gratification? Also of note, Dolby seems to have a fetish similar to that of the car crash-obsessed characters in David Cronenberg's Crash. Only instead of twisted metal, Dolby's jibblies get worked up at the thought of exceeding 100 mph. This guy must be a mess on commercial airlines.

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