Trailer Trash: Cruel Reviews of Upcoming Movies

In Theaters March 30 Blades of Glory[/subtitle]

Two rival male figure skaters (Will Ferrell, channeling Elvis Stojko, and Heder, channeling Dorothy Hamill's hair) get in a brawl at the gold-medal ceremony of an event that, for legal purposes, does not resemble the Winter Olympics in any way, shape, or form (although the faux emblem used in an obvious ploy to avoid the sky-high licensing fees for the Olympic rings is amusing in itself). In return, they're banned for life by a judge who looks just like (and may even be) former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. However, with Coach's Craig T. Nelson as their coach (similar to if The Commish's Michael Chiklis were cast as Commissioner Gordon in Batman, really), they put their differences aside and return to the sport through a loophole allowing two men to compete as a duo.

Who wouldn't like something as goofily fun as this? Probably not serious figure skating fans who know that no such loophole exists. Certainly not anyone uncomfortable with two men holding each other up by, and staring uncomfortably into, each other's crotches. Maybe not people still suffering from Napoleon Dynamite overexposure, though they might find it worth sitting through in the hopes that Heder's jugular vein is accidentally sliced open with an errant skate blade. Chances are, not Martin Short and Harry Shearer, considering the main joke is essentially their old Saturday Night Live sketch about male synchronized swimmers, now stolen and turned into a blockbuster comedy to fill the pockets of a younger SNL alumnus.

As for the rest of us, it looks pretty funny, so what's not to like? (Note: Even if you don't see the movie, you can still endlessly enjoy the quick cut at 0:31 of this trailer, which jumps from Ferrell licking the face of a blonde, blue-clad woman immediately to Ferrell arguing with the blonde, blue-clad Heder, which makes it look uncannily like Ferrell's giving Heder a sensual tongue bath.)

Live Free or Die debuted last year at the South by Southwest and Seattle film festivals, where it won such diverse praise as "Fantastic ... terrifically funny!" "Amazing ... you'll shit yourself!" and "Monstrous ... the existence of a just god is negated in one foul stroke!" Now in wider release, its trailer features a small-time New Hampshire crook (Aaron Stanford) who teams up with a semi-retarded buddy (Paul Schneider) to become a legendary Jesse James-like figure, mainly through tipping things over, driving mopeds and ugly old vans, and solitary, self-confidence-boosting posturing with pistols that may or may not involve the line "You lookin' at me?" Oh, and apparently someone gets murdered somehow, although the presence of the mush-mouthed Michael Rapaport suggests that the victim is probably merely the English language.

I don't get it. When does Bruce Willis come into this?
He doesn't. Instead, we are pleased to bring you Michael Rapaport!

That loudmouthed jackass from The War at Home? Why is he in the new Die Hard sequel?
The new Die Hard sequel is Live Free or Die Hard. That comes out June 29. This is Live Free or Die .

What? They used a misleading title to trick me into seeing this piece of crap?
Correct! But we hope that won't keep you from enjoying this and many other fine Michael Rapaport movies coming out this year, such as Michael Almighty, Alien vs. Michael Rapaport II, and The Bourne Idiocy.

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