Unpopular Opinion Podcast: Do Kids Prove We're Doomed? 5 Terrifying Ways Police Can Legally Screw You Over 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped

The Horror Behind The Comedy

Big's child abduction horror (1988)

IN THE FILM
A young boy protagonist leaves home for a wacky misadventure in the body of an adult Tom Hanks:

...leaving his legal guardian to assume her son has been kidnapped.

IN REALITY
While we're watching Hanks dance on a toy keyboard at FAO Schwartz, his poor mother is popping anti-depressants and waiting to receive a ransom note wrapped around her son's severed finger and imagining her pride and joy being sold on the Thai sex market.

It should also be noted that later in the film a middle-aged woman tries to seduce Hanks, knowing he has the intellect of a 12 year-old:

The Home Alone assault (1990)

IN THE FILM
This film is a festival of human mutilation, with the two burglars getting impaled with nails, bashed in the skull with heavy objects and scorched with a blowtorch.

Perhaps the most disturbing, though, is Harry (Joe Pesci) getting shot in the scrotum with a pellet gun.

IN REALITY
At close range an airgun has more than enough velocity to break the skin. Beyond the unimaginable pain of the projectile punching through the testicle, we have the long-term toxic effects of the lead pellet. The metal is known to be toxic to sperm, corrupting the genetic code of the cells and ensuring that all of Harry's offspring would be born with gross deformities. All so McCauley Culkin can protect the frivolous, insured possessions of his super-wealthy parents.

The Toy Story sentient toy paradox (1995)

IN THE FILM
So Tom Hanks' cowboy doll character, Woody, is infatuated with a Little Bo Peep figurine:

They flirt, they kiss.

IN REALITY
Neither character has functioning genitalia. Here we have a raging sexual urge in a creature that has no mechanism for release, even masturbation. And if you think that is the darkest horror, you've not considered that the sentient toys in this story have no internal organs that can fail and bring on death. These cursed beings are doomed to live on, self-aware, as they are eaten by a pet dog and passed through its digestive system, then thrown in the trash and then buried under a stinking landfill for 1,000 years.

There's Something About Mary dogfight (1998)

IN THE FILM
We're willing to forgive the genital mutilation issue in the scene when a small dog bites Ben Stiller ferociously in the groin.

It is, after all, Ben Stiller.

IN REALITY
There is nothing funny about a dog ingesting human semen from the punctured testes. If the dog, a female, then licks its own groin, it is entirely possible to impregnate itself from the sperm residue on its tongue. Since humans and canines are almost identical genetically, the dog would almost certainly give birth to a human/dog horror hybrid, a creature doomed to live in the shadows, raiding hen houses for food until it is finally caught and burned by villagers.

American Pie 2 penis glue (2001)

IN THE FILM
This film lets Jim (Jason Biggs) off easy after he is portrayed as gluing his hand to his penis using an enormous quantity of super glue:

IN REALITY
There would have been no separating the fused skin, and doctors would have had the unenviable choice of either amputating the penis (impossible for excretory reasons) or severing the hand at the wrist, leaving the disembodied fist forever clenched around Jim's member. Eventually the hand's flesh would rot away, leaving behind bone and giving the appearance he was forever being masturbated by a skeleton.

American Wedding turd taster (2003)

IN THE FILM
Seann William Scott winds up in a socially awkward situation where he is forced to eat a dog turd:

IN REALITY
Intestinal parasites are extremely common in canine feces. These tiny worms, often harmless in pets, can have devastating effects on a human. The parasites feast on the rich human diet and experience horrific growth in size and numbers, until they seep into the blood stream and nest in the brain. They then gain total control over the host's thoughts and behavior, usually inducing him or her to run for some kind of public office.


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David Wong is the editor and head writer of the popular comedy site Pointless Waste of Time.
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