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The Horror Behind The Comedy

By David Wong February 7, 2007 50,235 views
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Our resident medical expert, Dr. Wong, explains how that charming little scene from your favorite comedy could spell intestinal parasites, third degree burns and sperm toxicity out here in the in the real world. Read on for the horrifying truth.


The Animal House Parade Rape (1978)

IN THE FILM
During the fraternity's violent assault on a parade, a scantily-dressed marching girl is flung into an open window, where she lands on the bed of a small boy:

Upon seeing her, the boy looks to the heavens and exclaims, "Thank you, God!"

IN REALITY
The "god" he was praying to was apparently Phallux, the Haitian god of rape. The scene mercifully cuts away so we do not witness the gruesome sexual assault that apparently follows. We can only hope that the girl was able to first find some kind of weapon with which to kill the boy.


The Caddyshack Golf Course Terror Attack (1980)

IN THE FILM
A golf course rigged with high explosive leads to the orgy of destruction that marks the end of this film:

IN REALITY
Conveniently not shown: the blown-off limbs and swaths of flesh burned from dozens of victims during each blast. A similar event at a golf course in Belgium in 1968 (when a gas main detonated under the green) killed 36 people, four of which were impaled with hole flag staffs. If you still think this is funny, just imagine your best friend standing above one of these bombs, having his genitals blown upward, the testicles lodging in his brain like a pair of musket balls. Hardly cause for laughter.

The Revenge of the Nerds Panty Raid (1984)

IN THE FILM
After becoming the victims of a mild prank, our lovable nerds get revenge on the Pi Delta Pi sorority by storming into their home and committing several dozen counts of hilarious sexual assault.

In the course of the panty raid/home invasion the nerds install surveillance cameras in the bedrooms and bathrooms of the sorority.

IN REALITY
With a live feed to their living room, the nerds apparently masturbated to the unknowing Pi's for twelve straight hours, with one of the the nerds, a young boy, being forced to watch.

The Ghostbusters Marshmallow Disaster (1984)

IN THE FILM
After the heroes blast apart the giant Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, we see an avalanche of molten marshmallow splatter to the street below, burying the Snidely Whiplash-esque villain of the film, Walter Peck:

IN REALITY
The sugars in marshmallow melt at a white-hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit. The victim's experience would be similar to being dropped in a deep-fryer. How many New York City burn units were filled before someone realized the Ghostbusters should have subdued the Marshmallow Man with some kind of net, at which point the creature's body could have been safely cut into small pieces for consumption by the populace?

What is it with these people who keep analysing the articles like they're some kind of man-child critic no one invited? It's a comedy article on a comedy website yet you people still insist on slagging it off as if IT'S dumb "hurr, toy story is just a kids movie, you aren't supposed to look that deep into it, retard!". It's a f*****g jokey article moron, that' sthe f*****g point!

1/5/2009 3:45:49 PM
Smegfist

When I first saw Big as a kid, I was thinking about that for awhile.

There's actually a very simple home remedy for supergluing yourself: nail polish remover. If that doesn't work, the oils in your skin plus the constant shedding of said skin would eventually get rid of the superglue.
If he did go to the hospital, they wouldn't amputate anything. They'd treat it like a burn wound. Worst thing that could happen is they'd remove the skin of his penis.

12/11/2008 5:23:50 PM
dontbugme3

Musket balls. That is all.

11/11/2008 8:29:43 AM
Snap

Animal House: Really, I agree.

Caddyshack: Well, I noticed that people were running from the explosions and that there was a good distance between the people and explosions. Plus there's probably a difference in the explosions cause by gasoline and plastic explosives in the shape of cute furry animals.

Revenge of the Nerds: Robot Chicken showed what would happen if the nerds were brought up on the charges.

Ghostbusters: Probably one of the reasons they got their business axed.

Big: Huh. No comment.

Home Alone: There's a book that says that all of that s**t would have killed them. Plus, Marv suffered a similar fate in Home Alone 2 where he got stapled in the crotch, ass, and nose.

Toy Story: There's no point where it says the toys can't die. When Woody got his arm cut off in Toy Story 2, he behaved like someone without an arm. Buzz acted the same way in Toy Story, sans the arm throwing bit. They act on the kind of biology that toys do.

There's Something About Mary: The fact that it's a dog/Ben Stiller hybrid is even scarier.

American Pie 2: Yeah, we know, nail polish.

American Wedding: The process is that the chihuaha ate the ring, he had to wait for it to be crapped out, he said the turd was a truffle, and had to eat the turd becuase he said he was gonna eat the "truffle" Yeah, his life must suck bad.

9/28/2008 1:20:40 PM
Megafighter3

Usually when I feast upon the poop of my fellow creatures, I try to choose the lower quadrupeds: lower down the food chain and less likely to perceive (and mock) my choice of sustenance. Dolphins, for example, have only four legs and are known to possess an intellect inferior to nearly every other species of insect on the planet. Their poop, however, is delectable and readily available in large quantities on every street corner. Since I made this discovery in the year 1217, I have not once allowed more than seven seconds to elapse without eating the poop of at least four hundred and ninety-three screaming, bleeding dolphins while shooting their mothers in the head and clubbing a baby seal with its own brain-pan. Thank you for your time and attention.

9/14/2008 7:31:31 PM
ardmore

I saw Revenge of the Nerds the other day on HBO or Showtime or something. The scene in question features about 15 minutes straight of full-frontal nudity. This movie was rated PG. Not even PG-13! That makes me disappointed to think about how much more uptight this country has gotten in the last 25 years or so.

9/8/2008 12:37:20 PM
CodyCastor

animal huse is filled with little- one liners and is best watched when you dont try to think logically about it.

IMPALED by a GOLF HOLE FLAG! i cringe for eternity.

revenge of the nerds is disturbing, no matter what the "its karma for bieng mean to them all their miserable lives" storyline is.

maybe the marshmallow is like that because of supernatural phenomena not because it melted.

big is pretty much just squeezing as much comedy out of a very awkward plot line as it can.

home alone is nothing but an inventive utilization of how humans find human suffering funny.

toys, its a kids movie, it isnt supposed to make sense, toys walk, talk, and do a bunch of wierd s**t and the only thing you care about is whether or not they can have sex?

the human/dog hybrid was just plain retarded.

american pie, like a much less funny, attempted copy of animal house and ridgemont high, watch it, but dont try to think.

he ate a turd. eeww.

8/28/2008 11:59:12 AM
willyhassertt

Whoa, that American Pie one is disturbing WITHOUT an explanation.

5/8/2008 11:27:33 PM
GamerErman2001

The men dressed in blue.

2/5/2008 2:59:41 PM
Minty

Really? You just read an article in which the author implies that a dog can impregnate itself and give birth to a half-dog half-human hybrid, and the thing YOU pick out is the fact that super glue doesn't fuse anything? Seriously? Who let you out of the cellar?

2/2/2008 12:47:57 AM
Keithito

Oh, and super glue doesn't "fuse" anything--it holds them together. Fusing requires melting together and then cooling into one solid object. You all are great writers, but nitpick your work sometimes, okay?

1/30/2008 1:22:37 PM
Minty

I might be more of a moron than unknown, but last I heard, nail polish remover (main ingredients: acetone, water, and propylene carbonate) dissolves super glue. It might take soaking the hand and penis in a bowl of the stuff for up to an hour in this instance, but it will work eventually. So, what's REALLY ridiculous about that scene is the character's father driving all the way up to the house to take his son to the hospital, when he could have just told him what to do.

1/30/2008 1:19:33 PM
Minty

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1/30/2008 1:32:40 AM
This is good movies and music is vies vies good

Obviously unknown is a Republican. This is some of Wong's best work. People without a sense of humor need to find their way to cnn.com instead.

1/16/2008 7:26:50 AM
Prometheus

dear unknown:

you are a moron.

12/21/2007 10:22:37 AM
losmuertos

These were mildly entertaining. You were just pointing out facts every body knew, in ficticious work. Movies! Remember how they arent real? I suggest you save your 'talent' for other best/worst ofs.

12/6/2007 7:52:09 AM
unknown
Cracked stuff on