The 7 Worst Fictional Towns In America

#3. Amity Island (Jaws 1-4)

Public Safety:
Every time body parts wash up on the shores of this beach community, the medical examiner seems to want to blame a boating accident. This of course raises the important question: Who the fuck is driving these boats, and how many accidents are they causing each year? We're assuming that the statistics aren't great when the first thing the medical examiner thinks when faced with a steady stream of human chum washing up on the shore is improper water skiing technique.

Also endangering public health is the family of fucking enormous, man-eating sharks that hangs out off-shore each year. The sharks that live in the waters off of Amity Island differ from most breeds in that if you piss them off, or if someone you're related to pisses them off, they will follow you to the Bahamas and try to eat you and all of your relatives.

So, y'know, not the ideal vacation destination.

Leadership:
Good news, vacationers! You're on an island the size of Nantucket that is constantly being menaced by sharks. But that shouldn't worry you because your police chief is terrified of the ocean! Also, your mayor tends to respond to shark attacks with comments like, "It could have been anything!" and "Nobody tells me to close the beaches just because a shark is eating tourists like they're animal crackers." So, at least you're in good hands.

#2. Bayside (Saved by the Bell)

Public Education:
Bayside fails the first question people tend to ask when relocating to a community: How are the public schools? The principal of Bayside High, Mr. Belding, is by all evidence the dumbest person to ever put on a suit. In most episodes, he seems to be more desperate for approval than the teenage girls he's supposed to be guiding. If he were to find out Zack was throwing an after-prom party, Mr. Belding would be more likely to offer Preppie a handie for an invitation than he'd be to break it up. To get an idea of how annoying it would have been to go to Bayside under Mr. B's rule, think back to every annoying teacher you've ever had that wanted to be your friend more than he wanted to be your teacher. Now imagine if that teacher were a total pussy.

With this sort of emotionally needy loser at the helm, it's no surprise that the students never seem to be in class. Or, when they do go to class, the teachers forgo any sort of rigorous lesson plan in favor of class projects like bake-offs and physical challenges.

It's Zack's World, You're Just Living in It:
Bayside citizens have a pretty profound metaphysical problem (in addition to the fact that their entire town relocated from Indiana to California between the first and second seasons). If you live in Bayside, and you're not Zack Morris, you're living in a time space continuum that is controlled by the whims of a 14-year-old brat in a turtle neck. This is because Zack Morris inexplicably has the ability to freeze the universe simply by calling a timeout. Sure, while the cameras were on, he only used this power to make witty asides. But you have to assume that an ambitious, morally flexible prick like Zack would have figured out a way to take advantage of all those frozen suckers by the time graduation rolled around.

We'd like to imagine that the adult Zack would have shown Bayside what Biff could have done with that Sports Almanac if Biff wasn't so very clearly retarded. (Quite frankly, we've always been a little skeptical of the idea that Biff was smart enough to off-set chaos theory.) In other words, don't even think about pissing off Zack. If you don't think he'll use his powers for pure spite, than it's probably time you asked your mom why your little brother has a blond pompadour, Slater.

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