The 7 Lamest Fight Scenes of All Time
Great directors draw from the fight scene palette of roundhouse kicks, explosions and snappy one-liners to paint frame-worthy movie and television battles. These are not those directors.
7. Saved by the Bell
Slater versus Zach
Combatants: A. C. Slater (Mario López) versus Zach Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar)
Why it sucks: This fight looks remarkably like a real scrap between high schoolers, which is exactly why it sucks. High school fights are terrible. There’s usually one thrown punch (which never lands) before the adolescent gladiators awkwardly lean into each other, tumble to the ground, and commence clumsy wrestling. Slater and Morris might nail that perfectly in this scene but there was no reason. We all watched enough of this stuff in our high school gym class.
Highlight: When Slater complains, “Hey you started it man, making me look like a jerk at the Max,” Zach replies “Well, that’s what you are.” Harsh.
6. The Godfather
Sonny versus Carlo
Combatants: Carlo Rizzi (Gianni Russo) versus Sonny Corleone (James Caan)
Why it sucks: Don’t get us wrong. The Godfather is a great movie, but this scene is just completely absurd. Coppola must have taken a break from directing and left the guy who directed The Three Stooges in charge of the set for this 90-second span. It starts when Sonny Corleone discovers his sister has been walloped and reacts, Curly-like, by bringing his fist to his mouth and taking a solid bite. You almost expect him to rub his hands over his head, run in place, and scream “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!” Sonny then proceeds to get revenge with a Vaudeville assault that includes throwing his shoe and gnawing on Carlo’s knuckles.
Highlight: Proof that James Caan needed glasses during filming when his massive haymaker misses a stationary Carlo by a few feet.
5. Strike of the Panther
Bad Actor versus Other Bad Actors
Combatants: One shirtless Australian guy versus a bunch of other Australian guys in suits that hopefully never made another movie in their life
Why it sucks: On paper, the components here suggest an entertaining tussle: a man in a chicken suit, a blow-up sex doll, and ‘80s floozy with a whip. But this one is so bad that not even those unique ingredients can save it. The protagonist shows off both his lack of acting and fighting chops as he woodenly delivers snide one-liners in between repeatedly knocking out the same four toughs. This clip is notable for single-handedly dispelling the stereotype of Australians as tough, hardy people.
Highlight: The bizarre cameo of a grown man dressed as an English schoolboy begging for mercy.
William Shatner versus the Gorn/human-lizard? THAT should be number 1!!!!
ReplyI always found the fight in Godfather pretty entertaining, to be honest.
ReplyWhy?
It features a garbage can lid. ...the next best weapon - surpassed only by the almighty carpet beater.
The Woman in #1 is Cynthia Rothrock. She kicks just as much a$$ as Chuck, and has a way nicer chest! If that scene was lame (and it WAS) it was the fault of "Stingray" and nameless sidekick dude.
ReplyWhat about the fight scene in Treasure of The Sierra Madre?
ReplyIt's Han Solo. Hans Solo sounds like some kind of German guy.
ReplyDamn! thumbs down accident. Sorry.
I've seen fight scenes way lamer than these. Although #1 is up there.
Reply#1 is not lame. It's easily the most entertaining fight scene of all time.
ReplyThis article would be a lot better if you updated the video links.
Replyi think it's all the media companies screwing about on youtube and removing videos. In some articles even all the pictures are gone :S
Shit, not the fights at my high school, those shits were on some octogon type fights.
ReplyOf course they were. Everyone knows you need nothing beyond the natural abilities of a teenager to do MMA
actually the disarm walker does on walker texas ranger when he fights Lazarus is an actual disarm and he didnt fly 30 feet more like 5 feet which infact would happen. the disarm uses leverage to throw someone out of balance and with the wight of there body they simply fly a few feet away
ReplyCome on. What about the Rake fight in Hobgoblins? Rakes cue casio sounds when they strike. FACT.
ReplyI don't know about anyone else, but I didn't hear any "snide one liners" in the Strike of the Panther vid
ReplyAside from the vids being not as "lame" as the commentary states, this article doesn't even have anything from Chickboxer. CHICKBOXER.
ReplyHey alright, got 2 out of 7 videos to play. That's pretty good for a cracked article.
ReplyI know you are no rocket scientist, but this article was posted over 5 years ago. Take a hint
I know you are no brain surgeon, but your comment seemed trollish. Take a joke.
The author of this article seems to think that virulent and obnoxious criticism somehow equates to "comedy." Fail. Yeah, some of these fight scenes sucked it up pretty badly, but not nearly as bad as the commentary on them sucked.
ReplyThank you, copyright.
ReplyI just count this instantly invalid. All the clips that i've heard of / want to see aren't available to watch. So i just have to take cracked's word for it instead of coming to my own conclusion.
ReplyThe english school-boy in the aussie flick was a masochist(or a sadist, I can never remember which likes what)...the setting seemed to be a sex house of some kind that served fantasies(see man in chicken suit), and school-boy's fetish was apparantly being submissive and/or beaten(his line is "Hit me, hit me!").
ReplySadism is sexual satisfactin from inflicting pain, masochism is from recieving it.
Mwah, still better than "Fighting Fish", or at least not as boring.
ReplyWhat about Rowdy Roddy in "They Live"?!
ReplyActually, that fight was so bad it turned out good...
I think that one was supposed to be bad.