Freud says that your first romantic love interest is your mother, but what the hell did he know? Let's face it-- our first loves were actually movie girlfriends we fantasized about. The high hair only made them sexier and you know it. And so as a public service to young males everywhere, we here at CRACKED decided to break down the seven best movie girlfriends of the 1980s. We dissect their good points, bad points and explain why, more than mom, they were detrimental to our development into healthy sexual beings. You can thank us for emotionally scarring you later.
Ali (Karate Kid) Why we had a crush on her:
Blonde? Check. Cute? Check. Rich ex-boyfriend in evil karate/motorcycle gang? Check. Ali has everything required of an 80s girlfriend and was so cute that you’d really mean it when you wrote in her year book that she "never change." Negatives:
She changed. In Karate Kid II
she dumped Daniel, confirming our fear that she was to good for average Joes like us. And as if that weren’t bad enough, in Karate Kid III
, she moves to Las Vegas and becomes a benevolent hooker who has sex with gross alcoholics. How she was detrimental to our sexual development:
Taught us the invaluable lesson that going after a girl who was out of our league would result in her ex-boyfriend trying to murder us over and over again until we beat him in a Karate tournament. And that she’d dump us anyways. No thank you, Ali with an "i." We’ll stick with Catherine with a "C," the dumpy chick from Geometry class. We’re pretty sure even her Dad will be fine with any charity dick we throw her way.
Sloane (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) Why we had a crush on her:
Bangin’ as all hell, Sloane’s the goodie-goodie who was known to break a rule or two, like… lying about a death in the family to skip school, for instance. She’s at her best when she tells Cameron it’s ok that he saw her changing by the pool house. Aah, the ladyfriend who shares with your buds. Negatives:
No tits. Like, um, none. It was the 80s, so this was apparently in style, but still, we’re talking concave. And then there’s the part at the end when she says, “He’s going to marry me!” Woah, woah, woah, bitch, slow down! This is Ferris fucking Bueller we’re talking about. He turned a street parade into a rock concert just by doing some karaoke. Do you have any idea how much pussy he stands to get in college? How she was detrimental to our sexual development:
The kind of girl who doesn’t mind hanging out with her boyfriend and his best friend all day, she gave rise to our irrational “when we play Halo, the lady watches Halo” philosophy on dating.
Pamela (Teen Wolf) Why we had a crush on her:
The epitome of 80s chic in tight stone-washed jeans, an oversized purple sweater and crimped blonde hair, she was always sauntering around with a pouty sneer on her face. Think Ali from Karate Kid
with a tablespoon of sass. Negatives:
Like that girl you suspect is only slightly freaky until she puts on a Nixon mask and smears her chest in pig’s blood, Pamela raised her disturbingly full-blown freak flag in the scene when she has sex with Scott (Michael J. Fox) while he’s a werewolf. If fucking a werewolf doesn’t make you tainted goods, I’m not sure what does. How she was detrimental to our sexual development:
Led us to overestimate how much girls like being bitten on the ear and sprayed with urine. Apparently, this form of foreplay is against the law in some states.
Holly Gennero (Die Hard) Why we had a crush on her:
She was a MILF before there was such a thing. In fact, we're pretty sure Holly is the reason why the term MILF was invented. But more than that, Holly had a smart mouth on her and stood by her man. If you were to walk into a standoff shirtless and shoeless, she was the type of gal who assumed you had a gun taped to your back and knew the precise moment to elbow her captor in the stomach. Negatives:
Apparently, she let that Ellis guy fuck her, or was thinking about it long enough to wear the watch that he bought her. “Show him the watch, Holly. Show him!”
Unfaithfulness is usually not a huge turn-off and can indeed be pretty hot. But with Ellis? The single biggest douchebag in cinematic history? That just reeks of desperation. How she was detrimental to our sexual development:
McLane had to walk barefoot on glass and kill multiple people in order to keep his lady around, and we assumed this was the norm. Holly Genero is the reason so many brave men of our generation have Roots
-size scars from the pussy whip. Also, the aforementioned Freudian mommy issues come into play here, not just because she was in her 30s, but because in all likelihood your mom, had the exact same perm as Holly at some point during the 80s.
Ariel Moore (Footloose) Why we had a crush on her:
Preacher's daughter with a wild streak and the only girl on this list who was involved in some down and dirty implied sex
(they showed her pulling her pants on after a romp in the forest with the guy she dates before Kevin Bacon). Negatives:
As demonstrated by crying following a fist fight with her pre-Bacon boyfriend, she couldn’t take a punch. Also, despite being a down-home farm girl, she wasn’t the best at the whole “stand by your man” thing, leaving her boyfriend halfway through the film because K-Bakes was a better dancer. How she was detrimental to our sexual development:
Led us to vastly overestimate the extent to which dancing would affect our sex life in high school. Little did we know it would be our penchant for talking about shitty 80s movies (and not dancing) that would be the reason we never got laid.
Jennifer Parker (Back to the Future) Why we had a crush on her:
Tries to cover Marty’s slacker ass when he’s late for school and encourages his music, despite that fact that his band is called the Pinheads
. And oh yeah, she seemed to be cool when Doc drugged her and left her in an alley, so you could probably, you know, get away with some shit. Negatives:
A bookworm who probably considered dry-humping to be a means to an end. And as we find out in BTTF II
, her future self is a fugly wino. Made us want to time-travel just to hit the older, hotter version. How she was detrimental to our sexual development:
Led us to wrongly assume that our high school girlfriend would be supportive of all the time we spent with our zany 65-year-old mad scientist best friend.
Andy (Goonies) Why we had a crush on her:
Always seemed innocent and bewildered while at the same time always trying to hook up with Brand in the midst of dangerous situations. The Fratellis are chasing us with guns? Oh that turns me on, let’s make out Brand!
Also, she wasn’t that pissed when she found out Brand’s little brother Mikey had tricked her into making out. Negatives:
She’s a passenger in the car at the beginning of the movie when Troy drags Brand from the side of his speeding convertible and then throws him off of a cliff. And all she does is call Troy a “jerk.” Really? How about a, “Stop the car and call the police! Someone’s been dragged from the side of a speeding car and then thrown off a cliff!” How she was detrimental to our sexual development:
Since she was cool that her boyfriend’s younger brother tried to make out with her, we were always trying to bang our older brother’s girlfriend or, when she wasn’t around, dudes named Andy.