The 5 Stages of a Successful Relationship (in a Romantic Comedy)

It's every guy's nightmare. You meet a beautiful girl and things are going well, when suddenly little details begin to nag at you: Her skin is always perfect, she never farts and how the hell can she afford a gigantic New York apartment while working as an under-appreciated secretary in a man's world? The answer: She's starring in a romantic comedy and now you are too. But all is not lost! Follow this advice and you can throw off sensitive smiles and hilariously misunderstand your way to a happy ending.

#1. Meeting a Girl

In the world of romantic comedies, any crazy girl you encounter could be your perfect match. No matter how ridiculous or creepy she seems when you meet, don't let her go without organizing a date. For instance, if the woman audibly berates herself for screwing something up, it is simply the sign of an intelligent and beautiful modern woman under stress, and not, like in the real world, a sign of a woman who will take you home to an alphabetized collection of Polaroids of every man who's ever fucked her over.

Love can conquer all boundaries, so pursue a relationship whether she's your maid, half-cousin or student. Unlike the real world, where you will find a lawsuit, chromosomal damage or criminal charges, respectively, frowned-upon sexual relationships will only serve to make your bond that much stronger.

#2. The First Date

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES utter a single hilarious sentence that highlights a flaw in your character. This means you are part of montage of "failed dates" and will never be seen again.

Don't worry about choosing a good restaurant for the first date-the scene will cut directly to after the meal when you're talking over wine anyway. No matter how beautiful the girl, the audience doesn't want to watch you masticate. Um, we said MASTICATE, but they don't want to watch you do that either.

If your first date involves a large amount of drinking and you wake up together, don't worry about the fact that despite a night of alcohol and debauchery neither of you seem to be capable of sweating, or in need of relieving your bodily functions. This is not a medical emergency-it just means that thankfully for your furniture, you're not in a Judd Apatow or Farrelly Brothers movie.

#3. The First Few Weeks

Ensure that your lady friend has not been receiving threatening phone calls recently. If she has, you are not in a romantic comedy, but a thriller, and must not break up with her lest you be viciously murdered. By staying with her you can delay your inevitable vicious murder for up to 40 minutes.

If Hugh Grant arrives, do not attempt to compete with him-you are no match for his British accent and awkward, fumbling charm.

Should Tom Green appear, leave the area immediately. You want no part in anything that follows for any price.

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