Along with unwashed, yellowing sheets, movie posters are the most popular choice for decorating a college dorm room. Whether you preferred Luke Skywalker wielding his lightsaber, Vince Vaughn offering you a martini, or Clockwork Orange brandishing his dagger, if you went to college, you probably had a movie character watching over you as you studied, slept and explored your body quietly so that your roommate wouldn't hear.
Everyone had a Swingers poster. Everyone had Star Wars posters. But there are hundreds of movies made every year, and there have been for close to a century. What happened to all their posters? Are they still around? Are any of them really stupid and weird?
The answer (Oh lord, yes.) may surprise you.
Katherine Hepburn is menaced by two floating heads, who offer her unsolicited advice on the subjects of jogging and anal sex, in this 1952 classic.
We're glad to see a monster movie that finally answers the difficult question: What happens to all their bowel movements?
He' all pants, yet no sleeves can contain him. She' pantsless, but adores sleeves. Together, they fight crime.
Ronald Reagan, seen here in bed with someone who isn't his wife, and a monkey, who also probably isn't his wife.
Also interestingly, it looks like people went to bed fully clothed in"¦ the '20s, we're guessing.
Remember back in the good old days, when everyone assumed that mixed martial arts would be nothing but heavily-oiled dudes leaping around and kicking each other in the chest, all for the amusement of secretive Chinese billionaires?
Now, thanks to the UFC, we know that mixed martial arts fighting is basically a couple of barely-oily guys rolling around on the ground and punching each other, all for the amusement of Joe Rogan.
We guess we're just sad that mixed martial arts had to grow up.
Kind of a hastily assembled, somewhat metaphorical poster here featuring a car that for some reason is able to express pain. We gather that the black triangle represents the road, the white background represents cocaine, and John Belushi represents John Belushi.
This poster honestly looks like it took someone five minutes to make. This is the movie poster equivalent of a kid doing his homework on the school bus. Chuck Norris used to make such rad posters (see below). He should hang his beard in shame.
When she wasn't working in films, Ms. Bow rented out space on her head for local advertisers.
"Ted, it' a good script, okay! But I don't care what she did, we can't call this movie My Wife is a Huge Bitch. People won't know what you're talking about. Also, I think you've got a lot of anger issues to work out."
Times change, I suppose. Compared to most hip hop videos these days, Lambada dancing looks pretty tame. In fact, according to the Supreme Court, the only dance today that' legally forbidden is the Batdance.
An illustrated, vaguely Chinese-looking Chuck Norris bursts through his own poster, seeking vengeance on all posters for what they did to his country.
This was actually a pretty good movie. But to someone who hadn't seen it before, those blurry frame stills look like they're advertising the pivotal "staircase orgasm scene."
"Stay tuned for Frida: The Story of a Mannish Woman and a Womanish Man, coming up next on Channel 12' Missing The Point Entirely Afternoon Theatre."
We've never really asked our parents about it, but we guess people were just naturally greasier in the '50s.
The posters for The Godfather Part II had to be changed after Francis Ford Coppola decided to cut the 15-minute steadi-cam shot of Michael Corleone doing the hokey-pokey at his son' birthday party.
The Duke' an imposing looking badass, no matter what he' wearing, even if it is a blue boilersuit. We're guessing it' some kind of fireproof garment, although one wonders how his sidekick, Janey Purplepants, copes with the heat.
For the last decade or so we've felt something missing from our summers, and indeed, much of our life. Now we know. It was Burt.
We could probably do a whole feature of just awesome Burt Reynolds posters. Apparently this movie is about a shape-shifting alien who takes the form of a beard and forces Burt Reynolds to sleep with piles of women.
Damnit, yes. These just keep getting better.
Right up there with Burt Reynolds being awesome on movie posters are movie posters where Barbra Streisand is weird. There' probably a fertilizer joke in here somewhere about Barbra Streisand' bullshit-crammed-skull being an ideal environment for growing plant life, but we don't think we can find it.
For Pete' Sake is the first of a series of seven movies where Barbara Streisand tries, and utterly fails, to promote helmet safety. Also, does the name "zanybarbara" tie into the plot of the film or is it just a clumsy attempt at a self-imposed nickname?
In this strange and disturbing re-imagining the of the classic children' story, the Owl (George Segal) and the Pussycat (Barbra Streisand) go on a cross country murder spree, inviting innocent people into their twisted sexual world then brutalizing them repeatedly. It' still unknown whether or not Streisand wore a prosthetic penis for the famous final scene.
And to cap off our Barbra Streisand section, we have this poster, where there' a lot going on, and not a bit of it making a goddamned bit of sense. Is this an anal sex reference? It probably isn't. But if you say it with the right inflection, it sure as hell sounds like it could be.
This probably isn't the official poster for Rocky Horror, but it certainly is the one with the most visible hair on a man' inner thighs.
Chuck Norris is back, on his deadliest mission yet. This time he' fighting the dual evils of Science and awful movie names.
Adam West: "Damnit, I told you a thousand times, William. Look at my skin tone! I'm a Summer. Grey and blue aren't my fucking colors!"
Mexican Superman has a smaller S, less hair, and will work for a fraction the salary of our Superman.
Here' a Polish poster for Return of the Jedi. We like how C3PO gets top billing in their version. He really was the moral core of the trilogy.
If you've seen the movie, you know that this isn't as salacious as it first looks; that robot isn't going to fuck that woman. He' going to kill her then fuck her.
And finally"¦.oh my.
No, we didn't make this up.
Chris Bucholz is a Contributing Editor at Cracked Magazine, and writer of the hilarious blog Robotman!