The 10 Best Animated Movies for (Traumatizing) Kids
Life is a relentless parade of horrors. Adults try to shield the kiddies from that fact, but every year animated film studios work hard to make sure the real world comes crashing in on little Timmy years ahead of schedule.
Want proof? How about...
#10.
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
The plot:
Holy fuck, Batman! Two of the caped crusader's most fiendish foes are on the loose in Gotham City! Can Batman use his gadgets and wits to defeat the dastardly duo of the Joker and the Phantasm, and stop them from carrying out their vendettas?
Why it scarred us:
It turns out he can't. The two villains successfully pull off a series of mafia hits until the film has a higher body count than Reservoir Dogs. Worse still, both villains escape unharmed at the end of the film, while Batman is pumped full of bullets by the cops for his troubles.
Oh, and did we mention that Bruce Wayne has a nervous breakdown at his parents' grave?
How it could have been worse:
Phantasm is a surprisingly sophisticated work for a kid's cartoon, within the beautiful animation and classic noir trappings. The story deftly deals with complex themes such as love, revenge and betrayal, in a way that is accessible to children without pandering to them ...
#9.
The Incredibles
The plot:
In Brad Bird's 2004 Pixar film, the Not-Fantastic Four battle the Not-Doctor Doom in an adaptation that' more faithful to the comics than the actual Fantastic Four movie.
Why it scarred us:
We're putting aside the fact that the "society is oppressing the supermen" message reads like an Ayn Rand bedtime story. Instead, watch the scene where adorable lil' Dash outruns the big scary men who are trying to kill him. Notice anything? That' right, the prepubescent boy is killing Syndrome's henchmen. And, laughing while he does it.
Above: Adorable child (Not shown: murder)
Oh, that adorable little scamp! What crazy manslaughter-related misadventure has Dash gotten into this time? Also, the villain' list of dead superheroes provides kids with the valuable moral that "if you use your talents to do the right thing, you will die." Now, we're not for the dumbing down of American entertainment, but when your film' funniest moment is a montage of death scenes (where Edna demonstrates the danger of capes) you might want to reconsider marketing your film to children.
How it could have been worse:
Aside from Rand, much of the movie' script borrows ideas (such as the idea of outlawing superheroes and the reason why capes are impractical) from Alan Moore's classic graphic novel Watchmen. If the writers had gone all the way with this homage, the story might contain horrifying scenes such as the destruction of New York, a superhero going insane and murdering criminals, and worst of all ... Richard Nixon serving four terms as president.
#8.
Song of the South
The plot:
In this charming story from legendary filmmaker Walt Disney, Uncle Remus, an elderly black servant, teaches a child valuable life lessons with the help of his magic talking animal friends, making him, quite literally, a "Magic Negro."
Why it scarred us:
The juxtaposition of Walt Disney's trademark idealism with the harsh reality of the South during reconstruction is a little jarring. For a man who has been forced to do menial labor in excruciating conditions for his entire life, Uncle Remus seems downright jolly.
How it could have been worse:
If children were allowed to see it. About four people complained about the film's content, so Disney responded by repeatedly apologizing, burying the film in the vault and probably burning the original negatives while personally taking responsibility for slavery.
Even though the film seems doomed to languish in the Ol' Briar Patch, Disney still keeps Walt's legacy alive by using the likenesses of its beloved characters on clothing, toys, theme park rides, costumes, overpriced figurines, McDonald's Happy Meal toys, plush dolls, bookends, keychain designs, erotic toys, small caliber weapons ...
#7.
Transformers: The Movie
The plot:
No, not the Michael Bay movie. The animated one from 1986. Yes, it still featured huge robots punching the crap out of each other.
Why it scarred us:
Optimus Prime-favorite toy, idol of millions, surrogate father to a generation of latchkey kids-is mercilessly slaughtered by his arch nemesis in the most brutal instance of toy-related violence since we put our sister's Barbies in the microwave.
It doesn't help much that the creators, much like everyone else in the '80s, were on the cheapest hallucinogenic substances they could find. From 500-foot-tall robots turning into portable cassette players, to Optimus' vanishing truck trailer, this film just might disregard physics enough to drive MC Escher incurably insane.
Also, a bunch of other Transformers die or something, but come on. Optimus dies.
How it could have been worse:
Deep in our hearts, we knew that Optimus wasn't dead. If a short, fat robot like R2-D2 can survive a direct hit from a ship-destroying laser cannon, then a tough guy like Optimus can pull himself together. Much like Jesus, Prime would return from his tomb in time to save us all (note the parallels between Optimus' transformations and the Catholic belief in transubstantiation. Or, not.)
No, in a universe where robots can always be bolted back together, you only need to worry if a human character dies. But what kind of idiot would make a Transformers movie and fill it with useless human characters?
#6.
The Lion King
The plot:
This classic Disney animated film tells the story of a young, lion prince's quest to rule the pride lands. Thrown in is a meerkat and a warthog performing a catchy song about the importance of apathy.
Why it scarred us:
It's pretty much Hamlet. Seriously. A young prince' uncle murders his father and steals his rightful place as king, inspiring the young leader to vow revenge.
Sure, there are differences. The "something rotten in the state of Denmark" was actually a flatulent warthog, for instance. But, one seriously must wonder how the pitch meeting for this one went.
"It' Hamlet, but with lions, songs by Sir Elton John and fart jokes."
"Brilliant!"
How it could have been worse:
The film ends somewhat differently than its source material. SPOILERS: In a radical and unpredictable departure that no one could have seen coming, the adorable lead animal defeats the villain, gets the girl, reclaims his throne and lives happily ever after.
#5.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
The plot:
Police detective Eddie Valiant must protect a falsely accused rabbit from a corrupt legal system in this noir thriller. Think of it as Chinatown but with more Mickey Mouse and less incest.
Why it scarred us:
Sudden puberty onset syndrome.
What? Don't look at us like that. Most movie stars are so airbrushed nowadays that there' not much difference between Jessica Alba and Jessica Rabbit anyway.
So anyway, this film features Jessica teasing, seducing and posing up a storm in a way that Snow White only did when the cameras weren't rolling. If your nephew watches this movie, you may want to check him for facial hair afterwards.
How it could have been worse:
Ask Japan. The weird pen-and-ink boob fetish has been taken to its logical conclusion in that land where even real, live porn actresses can't compete unless they dress up like Sailor Moon.
#4.
Cars
The plot:
The talented animators at Pixar Studios bring us the latest installment in their epic "things-that-don't-really-talk-talking" series. This one tells the heartwarming story of a desert wasteland populated entirely by cars (no, not Los Angeles).
Why it scarred us:
Where are the humans? WHERE ARE THE HUMANS?!
Did global warming finally do us in, ironically leaving only the instruments of our destruction behind? Did they give birth to Skynet? If there aren't any humans, then who makes the cars? Are there little assembly lines where cars manufacture other cars? Do they reproduce sexually? If a car is manufactured from used parts, is that cannibalism?
Call us paranoid, but when we see sentient machines roaming a barren Mad Max-style landscape, the healthy fear of technology we gained from '80s B-movies kicks into high gear.
How it could have been worse:
They could have delved into the logistical workings of a car society. What is the geopolitical landscape of the car world? Are there car wars? We assume that there are military vehicles, too. Are they in a constant state of combat? Does the Orwellian car government manufacture conflicts to give the tanks a sense of purpose? What is the history of car warfare? In the car World War II, was Daimler the Allied forces? Were Fords and Volkswagens the Nazis? What about current events in the car Middle East? Are there car "car bombs?" What are the dynamics of the car caste system? Do rich and powerful Mercedes control the government? Are disenfranchised cars left in disaster areas to fend for themselves because George "BMW" Bush doesn't care about cars with spinning rims?
Also, how do they talk? I mean, they're cars for god's sake. You'd think an editor would catch that.
#3.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The plot:
In this Disney animated musical, the kind-hearted Hunchback Quasimodo rescues the beautiful gypsy Esmeralda with the help of his singing gargoyle friends. But, can a Hunchback win the heart of a gorgeous princess?
Why it scarred us:
No, no he can't. The gallant, blonde, muscular, hero gets the girl instead of the deformed Quasimodo.
Never mind the fact that Quasimodo saved your life on multiple occasions. Never mind that you're this decent man's last hope for finding affection. No, let's all fall for the pretty one. Well, you know what? There's more to life than looks! Maybe you'll realize that when you have to take care of your unemployed husband, while I make a killing on Wall Street using the knowledge I gained from those math books you laughed at me about! WELL, WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING THEN, WON'T WE LIZ? WE'LL ALL SEE THEN!
Also, there's the small matter of the villain singing a song about how he intends to rape and murder the female lead.
How it could have been worse:
They could have kept the novel's ending, in which Esmeralda dies, and Quasimodo chooses to be buried alive in her tomb so that they can be together.
Though at least he got the girl in that one.
#2.
Watership Down
The plot:
Look at the bunny! Who's a cute little bunny? Who's a ...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Why it scarred us:
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
How it could have been worse:
Let's just move on to the next one, shall we?
#1.
Pom Poko
The plot:
A family of raccoons, forced from their home by evil construction workers, take a stand to reclaim their homeland ...
Why it scarred us:
... using their magical raccoon testicles.
MAGICAL
RACCOON
TESTICLES.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD, NOW?
How it could have been worse:
Although us narrow-minded Westerners may have issues about our kids watching racoons bludgeon construction workers with their massive genitals, this kind of thing is pretty much par for the course in Japan. "Tankui" as the anatomically-improbable monsters are known, are traditional Japanese folklore creatures. In fact, we wouldn't be surprised to hear that the Japanese version of Davy Crockett wears a coonskin cap made entirely of scrotum.
Come on, it's Japanese. What did you expect? It's probably from the fine people who brought us such abominations as catgirl fetishes, tentacle rape and the transformers. This type of film would never be distributed by a major film company in the United States.
Oh, wait. It was distributed in the United States by the Walt Disney Pictures.
You see, Disney, in their ongoing quest to release other talented filmmakers' movies so that they don't have to make their own, signed a very generous distribution deal with Studio Ghibli, a popular Japanese animation studio. As part of the deal, Disney agreed to release all of the studio's upcoming films uncut, unedited, and, evidently, unneutered.
Although, we have to applaud Disney for going ahead with this deal. Attatching your family-friendly name to something that you haven't even seen is the kind of decision that requires huge ... amounts of courage.
It's not 'tankui,' but 'tanuki' and the complete title of the movie is Pom Poko Tanuki. Tankui means something completely different and actually consists of 2 words.
ReplyMmmm, LOVE Watership Down. One of my all time favorites. Though in Pom Poko, those aren't raccoons. They're "Raccoon dogs" which have no relation to raccoons. Just sayin'.
ReplyI keep a link to this article on my desktop because no matter how many times I read it, Magical Raccoon Testicles makes me die laughing.
ReplyLoads of these mentions are some of my favourite animated films! Pom Poko is awesome!
ReplyHow does this article even exist without The Plague Dogs being number one, much less without it being on the list at all? Vivisection, mentally traumatised animals, the dog heroes slowing starving to death, a general air of hopelessness and persecution? It's an amazing movie and one of my favourites but it is incredibly dark.
ReplyMAGICAL. RACCOON. TESTICLES. Tears! Real tears!
ReplyThe next time my best friend raves about Studio Ghibli, I am so showing her that last one.
Replyif she is raving about SG, i am sure she knows about it.
I thought the giants testicles were cool. The scene were they scare a guy by making their faces disappear was funny. The bunny movie....now that's nightmarish.
I'm still emotionally scarred for renting Watership Down at age 5. It was put it in with the kids movies next to Winnie the Pooh and it was given a G-rating in Canada and assumed it was a cute little movie about bunnies. So yeah, what I learned from that experience is to never assume anything or trust Canadians.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe movie is enough to make you catatonic, but I love the book.
I was also scarred, can't believe it got a G rating.
That's the animation age ghetto at work. In some countries, any animated film is automatically given the g rating or its local equivalent. Even CGI things, such as a little video based on dead space.
This website has something against Hunchback and I don't like it. I loved that movie when I WAS FOUR
ReplyIt was seriously disturbing to watch Optimus being killed. It´s not just that he was killed, but it was in such a brutal, even sadistic way. But still I got a kick out of how ballsy TTM was for a kids´ movie. Today´s PC culfure underestimates way too much what kids can deal with.
ReplyI cried when Optimus died. But the way they killed Ironhide just left me speechless and shocked. A Fusion cannon to the head at close range? Holy fuck!
ReplyWatership down is such a beautifull movie, I actually bought it for myself and my daughter, wanted to watch it with her, but my spouse thinks it's not suited for an (allmost) 3 year old. It's a great way to teach young children about totalitarianism in a nation and it's pro's and con's, and the pro's and con's of democracy following the model of the traveling poleis that Xenophon's army was.I'm definately going to have my kidd watch this and then make her read xenophon's anabassis as soon as she can read.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesPlease proceed to the nearest courtroom to have your parenting license revoked.
right, because a three year old child actually gives a flying f**k about that stuff
@Bip - Oh hell no, give the parent a medal and stipend to produce more kids. The BS PC culture in America assumes every child is stupid and dumbs down entertainment accordingly.
You can't start preparing your child soon enough for the realities of the world, I'd rather raise her with the examples of non sugarcoated things like watership down and fine examples of leadership (Xenophon and Machiavelli) to ensure she's prepared to see other humans for what they are (untrustworthy competitors in the game of dying with the best salary/pension possible)
We've been raising kidds with sugarcoated nonsense since what? The 80's? and look at what we have today? The desilusioned ocupy wall street generation and a bunch of teens with no clue about how the world works that think all the worlds problems can be solved by caring and sitting in a park and smoking weed whilst tweeting on their Iphones about how revolutionary they are,
I'd rather follow the examples of old, and raise my child to be a calculating, realistic manipulator on the road to a well paying job who knows it's a cruel dog eat dog world Instead of a carebear sooner than later.
everything lebis said is fine and dandy if thats how they want to teach their kids pointless things and raise them in such a way that they too hate the world they live in and fall asleep every night unsatisfied with their life and their country. but using THAT movie to teach anything to a very young child is RETARDED. yeah, show brutal bunny-murder to teach them governmental ideas and "how the world works." you ever notice how small children take things SUPER literally? no? oh yeah, i forgot, you are a s****y parent.
WHAT THE F#%K IS WRONG WITH YOU I would rather die than to let ANY of MY KIDS WATCH THAT FILM, oh sure preach democracy and the importance of being ready for the world but i know for a fact what watching a film like this will do to a child. I'm living proof of what children who's parents make them watch movies like that become and trust me you don't want that to happen
You could at least wait until the child can understand such concepts, and that somethings can't be taken at only face value. At 3 your kid will probably just see bunnies killing bunnies and not any deeper meaning the film may have.
Hell, your kid's just barely gotten into the preoperational stage, and will likely be wading through it for a few years to come. That is the stage during which a child can only focus on one aspect of a problem at once. Make two rows of pennies, each with the same number of pennies but one with a larger distance between each penny. Ask the kid to tell you which row has more pennies, and they will point to the one with larger spacing every time, even if you make them count the pennies and ask again.
I agree Watership Down is awesome, and I first watched it (a LOT) when I was 8 or 9, but I still found it to be kind of terrifying (but I love horror movies).... But LITTLE kids shouldn't watch it. At LEAST wait until they're 12 or 13 or some age that can comfortably handle bunny slaughter.
though not a kids movie, the one that traumatized me the most as a kid was trilogy of terror. especially the demonic voodoo doll that came to life when its belt came off and it started to terrorizing a woman! that gave me nightmares!
ReplyDamn, I'm going to watch Watershp Down now!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes. Do it.
I highly recommending reading it as well.
watching that movie as a child made me who i truly am today, and that's not a good thing
Cars is just the sequel of Maximum Overdrive.
ReplyHow can you mention "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" without touching the villain's transformation and death?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAgreed. Jesus, I had nightmares for weeks after that one. (yeah, I'm kind of a wimp.)
Yes! That movie instilled a fear of construction equipment into me for years!
The shoe that goes into the dip. Dear god, that SHOE!
Wow! I remember having these really weird nightmares when I was a kid, I had no idea it was because of Watership Down! I didn't even remember that movie until this article. That movie genuinely traumatised me. Reading this article (and more specifically seeing the pictures of bloody and dying rabbits) made me remember seeing the movie when I was a little kid. At one point a rabbit gets strangled by a snare and I didn't stop crying for the rest of the day! lol
ReplyAnd that, little timmy, is what's known as "repressed memories!"
HA!
I think we freak out a little too much over what kids can and can't handle. I grew up terrified by that Mark Twain claymation movie, The Neverending Story, The Dark Crystal, Darby O'Gill and the Little People, Return to Oz, that really weird Raggedy Ann and Andy movie, the Secret of NIMH, Felix the Cat, and even freakin' Ghostbusters, and I've had no ill effects on my psyche, nor do I think that any part of my childhood was taken from me due to the freaky and sometimes violent nature of those movies. Are we really going to second-guess modern classics like The Lion King and The Incredibles because of scary or violent scenes that in reality kids love? Maybe a case can be made for Watership Down, but even then there are plenty of people with very fond memories of that movie. I think we underestimate what kids can handle.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesOh yeah, we definitely do. I watched Aliens, Predator, Friday the 13th...when I was like 10 or 11. My uncle had them, I wanted to see them. I'm fine. Most kids don't want to watch movies like that anyway, I was just imitating my uncle.
Anyway, yeah, kids movies with mature themes are good. Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows...I think these films do teach kids about the world and sometimes there's injustice, sadness and death. It's just a part of life...don't force this message down your kid's throat, but let them realize it exists.
Man I wasn't even thinking about grown-up movies! Before I was 11 I watched Total Recall, Robocop, one of the Death Wish movies, Rambo-First Blood Part II, Full Metal Jacket, Terminator, and on and on. The kids movies couldn't hold a candle to how terrifying those were to a young boy, but I still made it through just fine.
The simple answer is that America has pussified Children's entertainment.
while we are on a "i watched the most inappropriate and badass movies when i was a child" thing, i grew up watching Hellraiser. by "grew up" i mean elementary school (grades 1-5) and younger. anyways, just because some people can handle those things and grow up fine doesnt mean EVERYONE can. people need to realize its NOT ok to ban movies like Watership Down, but at the same time you all need to realize that there are still a large number of children who may suffer lifelong trauma from such movies..
in a way i think you may be right
Well, I watched the Passion of the Christ when I was eight and Schindler's List not long after, and I barely flinched....
Watership Down: best. section. in an article. EVER. lol!!!
ReplyI read the books when I was little and loved them...and then I saw the movie. And thought they worked much better as books. ...MUCH BETTER o.O
Tanukis are a real animal that bear a resemblance to raccoons, who are amusingly..um, well the Japanese folklore has a basis in reality. In English they're called Raccoon Dogs.
ReplyBambi should not have made the list because Bambi/Song of the South were not originally made for kids. Before the 60s most theatrical cartoons were made for adults, but they're all rated G now because their censoring was super strict due to the Haye's code. (1934-1968)
So yeah... if you were asking your mom when she is going to die Bambi's mom style at age 4 like I was, blame her and dad for the trauma!