The 10 Best Animated Movies for (Traumatizing) Kids
Life is a relentless parade of horrors. Adults try to shield the kiddies from that fact, but every year animated film studios work hard to make sure the real world comes crashing in on little Timmy years ahead of schedule.
Want proof? How about...
#10.
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
The plot:
Holy fuck, Batman! Two of the caped crusader's most fiendish foes are on the loose in Gotham City! Can Batman use his gadgets and wits to defeat the dastardly duo of the Joker and the Phantasm, and stop them from carrying out their vendettas?
Why it scarred us:
It turns out he can't. The two villains successfully pull off a series of mafia hits until the film has a higher body count than Reservoir Dogs. Worse still, both villains escape unharmed at the end of the film, while Batman is pumped full of bullets by the cops for his troubles.
Oh, and did we mention that Bruce Wayne has a nervous breakdown at his parents' grave?
How it could have been worse:
Phantasm is a surprisingly sophisticated work for a kid's cartoon, within the beautiful animation and classic noir trappings. The story deftly deals with complex themes such as love, revenge and betrayal, in a way that is accessible to children without pandering to them ...
#9.
The Incredibles
The plot:
In Brad Bird's 2004 Pixar film, the Not-Fantastic Four battle the Not-Doctor Doom in an adaptation that' more faithful to the comics than the actual Fantastic Four movie.
Why it scarred us:
We're putting aside the fact that the "society is oppressing the supermen" message reads like an Ayn Rand bedtime story. Instead, watch the scene where adorable lil' Dash outruns the big scary men who are trying to kill him. Notice anything? That' right, the prepubescent boy is killing Syndrome's henchmen. And, laughing while he does it.
Above: Adorable child (Not shown: murder)
Oh, that adorable little scamp! What crazy manslaughter-related misadventure has Dash gotten into this time? Also, the villain' list of dead superheroes provides kids with the valuable moral that "if you use your talents to do the right thing, you will die." Now, we're not for the dumbing down of American entertainment, but when your film' funniest moment is a montage of death scenes (where Edna demonstrates the danger of capes) you might want to reconsider marketing your film to children.
How it could have been worse:
Aside from Rand, much of the movie' script borrows ideas (such as the idea of outlawing superheroes and the reason why capes are impractical) from Alan Moore's classic graphic novel Watchmen. If the writers had gone all the way with this homage, the story might contain horrifying scenes such as the destruction of New York, a superhero going insane and murdering criminals, and worst of all ... Richard Nixon serving four terms as president.
#8.
Song of the South
The plot:
In this charming story from legendary filmmaker Walt Disney, Uncle Remus, an elderly black servant, teaches a child valuable life lessons with the help of his magic talking animal friends, making him, quite literally, a "Magic Negro."
Why it scarred us:
The juxtaposition of Walt Disney's trademark idealism with the harsh reality of the South during reconstruction is a little jarring. For a man who has been forced to do menial labor in excruciating conditions for his entire life, Uncle Remus seems downright jolly.
How it could have been worse:
If children were allowed to see it. About four people complained about the film's content, so Disney responded by repeatedly apologizing, burying the film in the vault and probably burning the original negatives while personally taking responsibility for slavery.
Even though the film seems doomed to languish in the Ol' Briar Patch, Disney still keeps Walt's legacy alive by using the likenesses of its beloved characters on clothing, toys, theme park rides, costumes, overpriced figurines, McDonald's Happy Meal toys, plush dolls, bookends, keychain designs, erotic toys, small caliber weapons ...
#7.
Transformers: The Movie
The plot:
No, not the Michael Bay movie. The animated one from 1986. Yes, it still featured huge robots punching the crap out of each other.
Why it scarred us:
Optimus Prime-favorite toy, idol of millions, surrogate father to a generation of latchkey kids-is mercilessly slaughtered by his arch nemesis in the most brutal instance of toy-related violence since we put our sister's Barbies in the microwave.
It doesn't help much that the creators, much like everyone else in the '80s, were on the cheapest hallucinogenic substances they could find. From 500-foot-tall robots turning into portable cassette players, to Optimus' vanishing truck trailer, this film just might disregard physics enough to drive MC Escher incurably insane.
Also, a bunch of other Transformers die or something, but come on. Optimus dies.
How it could have been worse:
Deep in our hearts, we knew that Optimus wasn't dead. If a short, fat robot like R2-D2 can survive a direct hit from a ship-destroying laser cannon, then a tough guy like Optimus can pull himself together. Much like Jesus, Prime would return from his tomb in time to save us all (note the parallels between Optimus' transformations and the Catholic belief in transubstantiation. Or, not.)
No, in a universe where robots can always be bolted back together, you only need to worry if a human character dies. But what kind of idiot would make a Transformers movie and fill it with useless human characters?
#6.
The Lion King
The plot:
This classic Disney animated film tells the story of a young, lion prince's quest to rule the pride lands. Thrown in is a meerkat and a warthog performing a catchy song about the importance of apathy.
Why it scarred us:
It's pretty much Hamlet. Seriously. A young prince' uncle murders his father and steals his rightful place as king, inspiring the young leader to vow revenge.
Sure, there are differences. The "something rotten in the state of Denmark" was actually a flatulent warthog, for instance. But, one seriously must wonder how the pitch meeting for this one went.
"It' Hamlet, but with lions, songs by Sir Elton John and fart jokes."
"Brilliant!"
How it could have been worse:
The film ends somewhat differently than its source material. SPOILERS: In a radical and unpredictable departure that no one could have seen coming, the adorable lead animal defeats the villain, gets the girl, reclaims his throne and lives happily ever after.
#5.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
The plot:
Police detective Eddie Valiant must protect a falsely accused rabbit from a corrupt legal system in this noir thriller. Think of it as Chinatown but with more Mickey Mouse and less incest.
Why it scarred us:
Sudden puberty onset syndrome.
What? Don't look at us like that. Most movie stars are so airbrushed nowadays that there' not much difference between Jessica Alba and Jessica Rabbit anyway.
So anyway, this film features Jessica teasing, seducing and posing up a storm in a way that Snow White only did when the cameras weren't rolling. If your nephew watches this movie, you may want to check him for facial hair afterwards.
How it could have been worse:
Ask Japan. The weird pen-and-ink boob fetish has been taken to its logical conclusion in that land where even real, live porn actresses can't compete unless they dress up like Sailor Moon.
#4.
Cars
The plot:
The talented animators at Pixar Studios bring us the latest installment in their epic "things-that-don't-really-talk-talking" series. This one tells the heartwarming story of a desert wasteland populated entirely by cars (no, not Los Angeles).
Why it scarred us:
Where are the humans? WHERE ARE THE HUMANS?!
Did global warming finally do us in, ironically leaving only the instruments of our destruction behind? Did they give birth to Skynet? If there aren't any humans, then who makes the cars? Are there little assembly lines where cars manufacture other cars? Do they reproduce sexually? If a car is manufactured from used parts, is that cannibalism?
Call us paranoid, but when we see sentient machines roaming a barren Mad Max-style landscape, the healthy fear of technology we gained from '80s B-movies kicks into high gear.
How it could have been worse:
They could have delved into the logistical workings of a car society. What is the geopolitical landscape of the car world? Are there car wars? We assume that there are military vehicles, too. Are they in a constant state of combat? Does the Orwellian car government manufacture conflicts to give the tanks a sense of purpose? What is the history of car warfare? In the car World War II, was Daimler the Allied forces? Were Fords and Volkswagens the Nazis? What about current events in the car Middle East? Are there car "car bombs?" What are the dynamics of the car caste system? Do rich and powerful Mercedes control the government? Are disenfranchised cars left in disaster areas to fend for themselves because George "BMW" Bush doesn't care about cars with spinning rims?
Also, how do they talk? I mean, they're cars for god's sake. You'd think an editor would catch that.
#3.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
The plot:
In this Disney animated musical, the kind-hearted Hunchback Quasimodo rescues the beautiful gypsy Esmeralda with the help of his singing gargoyle friends. But, can a Hunchback win the heart of a gorgeous princess?
Why it scarred us:
No, no he can't. The gallant, blonde, muscular, hero gets the girl instead of the deformed Quasimodo.
Never mind the fact that Quasimodo saved your life on multiple occasions. Never mind that you're this decent man's last hope for finding affection. No, let's all fall for the pretty one. Well, you know what? There's more to life than looks! Maybe you'll realize that when you have to take care of your unemployed husband, while I make a killing on Wall Street using the knowledge I gained from those math books you laughed at me about! WELL, WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING THEN, WON'T WE LIZ? WE'LL ALL SEE THEN!
Also, there's the small matter of the villain singing a song about how he intends to rape and murder the female lead.
How it could have been worse:
They could have kept the novel's ending, in which Esmeralda dies, and Quasimodo chooses to be buried alive in her tomb so that they can be together.
Though at least he got the girl in that one.
#2.
Watership Down
The plot:
Look at the bunny! Who's a cute little bunny? Who's a ...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Why it scarred us:
RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
How it could have been worse:
Let's just move on to the next one, shall we?
#1.
Pom Poko
The plot:
A family of raccoons, forced from their home by evil construction workers, take a stand to reclaim their homeland ...
Why it scarred us:
... using their magical raccoon testicles.
MAGICAL
RACCOON
TESTICLES.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD, NOW?
How it could have been worse:
Although us narrow-minded Westerners may have issues about our kids watching racoons bludgeon construction workers with their massive genitals, this kind of thing is pretty much par for the course in Japan. "Tankui" as the anatomically-improbable monsters are known, are traditional Japanese folklore creatures. In fact, we wouldn't be surprised to hear that the Japanese version of Davy Crockett wears a coonskin cap made entirely of scrotum.
Come on, it's Japanese. What did you expect? It's probably from the fine people who brought us such abominations as catgirl fetishes, tentacle rape and the transformers. This type of film would never be distributed by a major film company in the United States.
Oh, wait. It was distributed in the United States by the Walt Disney Pictures.
You see, Disney, in their ongoing quest to release other talented filmmakers' movies so that they don't have to make their own, signed a very generous distribution deal with Studio Ghibli, a popular Japanese animation studio. As part of the deal, Disney agreed to release all of the studio's upcoming films uncut, unedited, and, evidently, unneutered.
Although, we have to applaud Disney for going ahead with this deal. Attatching your family-friendly name to something that you haven't even seen is the kind of decision that requires huge ... amounts of courage.
Dash didn't kill anybody. If you were on a bike, and some guy started chasing you in a car, and you ducked down a narrow alley and the car-driving lunatic smashed himself to pieces trying to run you down, would you have even a moment's guilt that you killed the guy? f**k no, you'd giggle your m***********g head off, just like Dash.
ReplyI am watching transformers at the moment. Part way through season 2. I remember the first time I saw the movie I cried like a baby, although I was 5 at the time. I admit there are a couple of cartoons I never saw as a kid, or big kid now, before but pretty good list.
Replythe movie that traumatized me the most during child hood was actually The fox and the hound- given to me on my 6th or 7th birthday party on VHS- in which society forces apart two child hood friends an orphaned fox is abandoned in the woods by his adopted mother figure, and a DOG is hit by a TRAIN. There was not a dry eye at that party... and it's still one of my favorite movies. along with Hunchback and Roger rabbit, both of which, may i remind you deal, with attempted genocide (of gypsys and cartoons, respectively) apparently I was messed up in the head, even as a kid
ReplyBambi? How the FUCK...let me repeat myself...how the f**k did Bambi not make this list? Jesus Christ. Or Pinnochio, where, if you skip school to have fun at an amusement park with your friends-- wait for it--- YOU TURN INTO A DONKEY, GET CAGED AND SENT AWAY ON A SLAVE SHIP.
ReplyAnd wasn't there another woodland-creature-based, non-Disney movie about a bunch of baby animals being orphaned because of herbicide delivered by giant men in hazmat suits? Oh, oh, and what about the f*****g intro to animal testing we watched as kids in Secret Of NIMH?
Incredibles, Cars, Lion King, and Hunchback of Notre Dame don't belong on this list. And my opinion is the only one that counts.
You totally had me untill the last sentance you filthy troll.
The only thing that is traumatizing in Bambi is his mom's death, and that isn't even bad. It's not graphic, it's not disturbing, it's just sad. Besides, the rest of the film makes up for it.
The Brave Little Toster.
ReplyThat should be added in part two.
My review:
Reply10. Never saw it, never heard of it, so I don't think I can comment.
9. Syndrome's henchmen were evil mercenaries and deserved to die. And those dark themes, children would either not notice them or not learn anything from them.
8. Again, dark themes that children probably wouldn't understand or give two aphid shits about.
7. Never saw it, never heard of it before, so I can't comment.
6. If children heard of Hamlet before, they would know it as "that boring shakespeare play with the skull". It wouldn't traumatize them that much.
5. What you forgot to mention is the downright screwed-up death of the villain, plus the part when the villain dipped that shoe in the barrel of chemicals.
4. That isn't even on screen. Why did this even deserve a spot? What about Coraline?
3. Again, dark themes. You could have posted a link to hellfire to improve this article. Also, on the topic of dark themes, the Hunchback of Nortre Dame's theme is centered around Religion, which was probably going to be mentioned, but the other writers decided to take it off because the single mention of the word "god" in an article attracts trolls like moths to a light.
2. Could not possibly agree more. Watership Down is downright disturbing.
1. I didn't think anything could top Watership Down. I was wrong.
Is the author a soccer mom or something, because there's no way anybody could find half of these things even mildly disturbing.
There should be a "Pt. 2" of this article. Really, the concept is too good to die. Also, just because one person dies tragically does not make the movie traumatizing.
There was also blatant Nazi imagery used in Lion King such as neat ranks of hyenas goose stepping etc.
I CANNOT UNSEE "POM POKO"!!!
Reply#2. Oh it got worse. Much worse.
Reply*Bright eyes. Burning like fire. Bright eyes!
Thanks a lot, Art!
i rather enjoy the fact that the raccoons have massive balls yet no discernible phallus(knob)
Reply"Felidae" ought to be number one on this list. If you haven't seen it, then it's about a cat called Francis investigating a ton of cat murderers. Choice scenes include the nightmare fuel dreams that Francis has; the blind female cat who gets her head torn off... oh yeah, and that pregnant female cat who gets her belly ripped open and all the little kitten fetuses spilled out on the ground.
ReplyAlso, it's not Japanese in origin; it's German.
I don't know if "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" traumatized me, but it obviously had a significant impact on my self-image. I grew up wanting to be Jessica Rabbit...I'm not sure if that was a good thing. Talk about an unrealistic goal, but as you can see, I'm still trying! Man, that movie probably did mess me up forever...
ReplySpelled "Tanuki" wrong in the Pom Poko piece.
ReplyBecause thats the important part...
I remember one animated movie series (a name that for the life of me I can't remember) about mice/rats that were captured by humans as lab rats. They managed to escape, but those who were experimented on went totally berserk and I distinctly remember it was the same emotion as having a zombie family member kill thousands. Which they did.
ReplyI absolutely loved it as a child, but looking back on it now, it scares the f**k out of me.
Moral of the story: Humans (Scientists) are soulless monsters who induce mass mouse/rat genocide.
"The Rats of NIMH"..? :) Great movie, but the sequels were incredibly awful.
It's called The Secret of NIMH, based on the book, Mrs. Frisby & the Rats of NIMH.
I actually really like Pom Poko and didn't notice the balls thing until I watched it a second time and my mom pointed it out
ReplyI agree with the multitudes of others about the Brave Little Toaster. I rewatched it for nostalgia reasons as an adult(what was I thinking?)and it freaked me out more as an adult then it did when I was a kid. I think it's because my little mind didn't really grasp some of the more adult themes in it. And it took me forever to realize that the air conditioner who blows himself up out of rage was imitating Jack Nicholson. Anyway a couple of other movies that emotionally scarred me as a kid were Little Nemo's Adventures in Slumberland and James and the Giant Peach. Although you could justifiably put anything by Roald Dahl on this list
ReplyThis article should be re-named "The 10 Best Children's Animated Movies that still Traumatize Adults"
The Brave Little Toaster. That car song made me cry when I was a kid, but when I got older, I realized it was a metaphor for feeling useless as we age and become unable to fulfill our passions— which in turn becomes even more depressing than just seeing some sadistic magnet forcing cars onto a conveyer belt where they were eventually crushed and killed. Well, I guess at the very least it gives us some insight into the "Cars" universe...
ReplyI guess I'm a weirdo, I realized that when I watched that movie as a child, but I liked the song because of the accuracy in the portrayal of feelings. It was a sad song, but done beautifully, at least to me
Umm The Last Unicorn anyone?
ReplyGoddammit that was a sad movie. When the princess danced with that demon dude, I felt more depressed then when Bush was elected.
Thank you so much for bringing up such a painful memory. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice all over it.
I remember being taken in the 1970's to see an animated film from Sanrio (the makers of Hello Kitty) called the Mouse and his Child. In the film toys are repeatedly abused and forced to become a slave labor force for a group of rats.
ReplySeriously, thank you! Not that this is necessarily the world's greatest movie; it's just that I too saw this film as a kid and have memories of it but haven't been able to recall or find out what it was called in many years of trying (well, trying now and then over a span of many years). I just wondered, "What was that damn movie called about the toys that sought to become self-winding." You've put an annoying failure of my mental database out of its misery. Bless you, sir, for giving me the name of this trippy, surreal flick.
Why isn't Plague Dogs no.1? It isn't just scarring it is a reason to commit suicide.
ReplyReading the book made me cry as a child. Believe me when I say that the book is far more traumatising than the movie is.
To be fair, Who Framed Rodger Rabbit wasn't really intended for children, it's based on a book called "Who Censored Rodger Rabbit," where in murder (specifically the murder of the title character) is used as a metaphor for what the author saw as unfair censorship in the cartoon industry. As for the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I didn't really see that as shallow, she liked Quasi for who he was, but just wasn't in love with him. I always thought the whole message that if a guy does nice things for a girl, she should feel obligated to repay him with sex, was kind of bullshit. It also teaches boys that they should only bother being kind to hot girls that they want to sleep with.
ReplyYou have a good point with Roger Rabbit, it doesn't really belong on the list. However, The Hunchback of Notre Dame does have a song where the villain expresses his desire to rape Ellesmera. Then there was the matter of the villain falling into a fire and burning alive, which presumably symbolized hell. That, in my opinion, should be kept away from children (although I do agree that the deviation from the normal "if you save her then you pretty much own her" message).