Who is cooler than James Bond? Okay, besides Fonzie. The cinematic James Bond is an ageless icon of cool who always says and does the right thing, wears the right clothes, drives the right car, and never, never sacrifices his dignity regardless of the situation… except when he does.
Sadly, many Bond films are marred by the inclusion of scenes that are so daft, so uncool, that they grab you by the frontal lobe and jerk you out of enjoying the film. Let’s take a look at the 007 lamest moments in James Bond history, shall we?
Live and Let Die
doesn’t just embrace lameness, it gropes and French kisses lameness with vodka breath and then vomits in lameness’s bed. Roger Moore’s first Bond film has a profoundly un-Bondian moment: the infamous alligator hopscotch scene.
Bond, who has been captured by Evil Black People, is taken to a swampy alligator farm chock full of hungry reptiles. The bad guys forget that they have guns and instead opt for the 100% organic approach to killing Bond – namely, the alligators. They conveniently leave Bond alone (how could he possibly
escape?) and that’s when things get wacky.
Whether out of sheer chance or in response to an Aquaman-like telepathic command from Bond, all the alligators arrange themselves in a neat line in the water. Bond then traipses across the gator chorus line to safety. Dude doesn’t even get wet. It’s a great stunt, but it belongs in a different movie: Peter Pan
There are those who feel that all of the Sean Connery Bond films are beyond reproach simply because The One True Bond is in them. These people are stupid. In You Only Live Twice
, Bond must blend in with the locals during a mission to Japan, so he slaps on a kimono, a little bit of make-up, gets a Romulan hair style and voila! Instant Japanese.
Or not. The audience is asked to accept that the strapping six foot Scotsman can actually pass as an Asian, and—even harder—is asked not to giggle during every close up shot. Freakish red haired comedian Carrot Top would make a more convincing Japanese dude. Lame, Bond-san.