Congratulations! The end of days is here! Bet you wish you'd spent a little more time in devotion to the organized religion of your choice, don't you?
It' too late now, though, and as the world comes to its bitter end, plan your next step carefully. The choices you make in the near future will determine whether you end up as an embittered, struggling survivor, or a mourned member of the deceased masses. So look around, takes notes, and let our cinephiliac tendencies become your salvation as civilization falls to shambles around you.
Is your former bucolic small town/major urban center now dead and deserted? Does the scent of decaying flesh hang over the local mall just a tad more than usual? Is the social commentary so heavy and thick that you would need a chainsaw hand to cut through it? Guess what! You're in…
A Classic Night of the Living Dead Zombie Plague Outbreak
Now, if our research has taught us anything, it' that when the zombie apocalypse finally does come, the first 30 minutes of it will be spent in utter, moronic ignorance. "What are these creatures?!" scared civilians everywhere will shout. "If only these monsters had been the basis for an over-mined cinematic sub-genre over the past 20 years, we would know exactly how to respond!"
It' 2007, people. If you don't know what to do when your neighbors start shambling around and getting all bitey, you probably deserve to die. Still, we'll spell it out for you one last time: hole up somewhere safe. Don't get eaten. Aim for the head. Also, don't bother worrying about the near-genocidal numbers of undead you'll be wasting. The great thing about zombies is that they're the post-modern equivalent of Nazis-you can kill as many as you want, and nobody bats an eye.
Further Research: There isn't enough space on the Internet to list all the zombie movies made in the last 30 years. However, besides the follow-ups and new classics (see: Dead, Dawn/Day/Land of; 28
Has humanity' wonton disregard for the environment finally caught up with it? Is a formally plentiful non-renewable resource finally running out, and are pieces of S&M gear the new Gap khakis? Are the Jews probably responsible for the whole mess? Mazel tov! It's…
A Mad Max Gasoline-Starved Societal Breakdown
So the temperature is rising, most of the world' landmass is slowly turning to desert, and you need a new wardrobe. We've got one word for you, post-apocalyptic bargain shopper: leather. And lots of it. But wait, wouldn't some loose linens or some sort of easy-breathe nylon be much more comfortable in such arid climes? Perhaps. All I'm saying is you're going to have a hard time getting people to call you "Lord Humungus" in seersucker.
However, before you become too fixated the mental image of a desert warlord dressed as a gentleman Southern lawyer, let us remember that it' not truly a Mad Max apocalypse without everybody' favorite: creepy little feral kids! Whether they're attacking you with improvised, metal boomerangs, or growling because they never had the chance to learn human speech, our advice when it comes to these prosecutably adorable tykes is pretty much the same as our policy on zombies: shoot first, don't really care enough to ask questions later.
Further Research: Since Mad Max, on the budget of a Confederate nickel, grossed monocle-and-top-hat money, it predictably spawned dozens of forgettable rip-offs. So while you're not short on choices, the genuine item is still the only one really worth watching.
Does it turn out that Eisenhower was right, and that international politics is just a big ol' game of dominoes? Is Gorbachev chomping down on cheeseburgers at the local malt shop? Is (God help us all) Yakov Smirnoff relevant again? Congratulations, comrade, you've found yourself in…