Summer Movie Preview (Part 1)

June 6, 2006

The Omen

IN A NUTSHELL
Everybody' favorite Prince of All Lies, the Devil, springs forth from the only logical place he could come from: Julia Stiles' vagina. Stiles plays a young mother concerned that the blood-vomiting, priest-killing psychopath she calls a six-year-old might be, you know, evil and stuff.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
This shot-for-shot remake of the 70's classic gets released June 6th, a date that can also be expressed as — ho ho, wait for it now — 6/6/06. This is a detail the film' marketing campaign has been careful to drive into the ground with all the quiet grace and tact of a retarded man using a sausage for a tent peg. Any movie whose sole reason for existence is a nifty numbers trick is probably not worth your time. Hold out for 5138008 Upside Down on a Calculator is BOOBIES: The Motion Picture instead. (It's got a surprise ending!)

June 9, 2006

The Break-Up

IN A NUTSHELL
Jennifer Aniston, a woman famous for her demands that the media stop portraying her as an unlucky-in-love ditz struggling with a break-up, here portrays an unlucky-in-love ditz struggling with a break up. Vince Vaughn rounds out the cast as Joe IGotTwentyMillionToStarInThisShitbomb.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
A couple argues over a condo after they break up, eventually reverting to sectioning off the house with masking tape. Nasty! This storyline promises to be all fresh and up-in-yo-face to anyone who' never seen a sitcom before. Plus, Vince Vaughn doing this movie feels a lot like Michael Jordan leaving the NBA to play baseball for two seasons in the middle of his prime. Actually, scratch that. Vince Vaughn doing this movie feels a lot like Michael Jordan leaving the NBA to fellate a dog.

Cars

IN A NUTSHELL
From the people who brought you talking bugs, talking toys and talking fish comes a film about a talking Wilson brother. It' a Pixar movie, of course, so feel free to bet money that we'll all be learning a Valuable Lesson About Friendship. Again. Seriously, is there anyone left on the planet who's unclear on this? Who's having such a hard time that they need seven films telling them that friends are extra-special instead of six?

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because the only thing more annoying than the way America goes batshit over everything Pixar poops onto a plate and calls breakfast is Owen Wilson' hippy slacker voice. Also, giving their movie a title as shit-stupid as Cars sort of implies they've stopped caring. That' like one rung on the imagination ladder above just calling it Movie.



June 16

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

IN A NUTSHELL
Lucas Black takes over for Paul Walker, who took over for Vin Diesel, in this, the third of the Furiously Fast series. If nothing else, consider it proof that it's apparently harder than it looks to make a sequel so bad it goes straight to video.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because it's basically car porno for guys with posters of the Indianapolis Speedway over their beds; also because really, do we as a culture actually need more than two versions of a film about cars going vroom vroom fast? Plus, when meatheads like Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are turning down a role in your film, that's a warning bell. It'd be like Bernie Taupin writing a song and Elton John rejecting it as too gay.

The Lake House

IN A NUTSHELL
Something with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in it. And you can stop caring about this fillllllllm... now.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Certainly you should be able to provide a wealth of reasons on your own. But if you're really hard-pressed, it's because Hollywood decided to remake the movie Speed as a love story. That's like remaking Die Hard as a musical, and... and... wait a minute, a Die Hard musical would be fucking awesome. Stay back, we thought of it first!



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