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Summer Movie Preview (Part 2)

July 28

Miami Vice

IN A NUTSHELL
Colin Farrell IS Crockett! Jamie Foxx IS Tubbs! You, the viewing audience, ARE mystified as to how this unnecessary adaptation got made!

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because director Michael Mann is usually pretty dependable, so dude should know better than to remake Miami Vice with a straight face. We don't want gritty realism, Michael Mann. We want Crocket in a pastel suit and punching drug lords on a speedboat driven by his pet crocodile Elvis, that' flying through a building while exploding.

John Tucker Must Die

IN A NUTSHELL
Three hot girls from the same high school discover they're all banging the same dude, and decide to get him back by having him fall in love with a pretty girl who' agreed to break his heart. That does indeed sound like a foolproof plan — I'm sure no one, not even a child of three, could spot a flaw in it.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
The star of this movie about a kid banging the four hottest girls in his high school also happens to be the kid who bangs Eva Longoria in Desperate Houswives, or as I call him, the man with the single greatest casting agent in the universe.

August 4

The Ant Bully

IN A NUTSHELL
From the director of Jimmy Neutron comes the story of a boy who takes to torturing a local ant colony, only to be shrunken down to insect size and forced to see how it feels to be on the receiving end of a three-hour train of ant rape.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because the director has been quoted as saying that this movie provides a stark political parable for our times, demonstrating his compassion for people of other cultures by equating them with ants.

The Night Listener

IN A NUTSHELL
Robin Williams stars as a man who becomes famous in the 70' for snorting large amounts of cocaine and raving like a complete fucking retard only to retire into a eerie career twilight spent growing a beard and making people feel creepy about everything.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
The movie follows the story of a famous radio host and writer, two professions that practically beg you to make a movie about them. This was the second draft idea they had after scrapping a movie about a professional statue.



Fearless

IN A NUTSHELL
Another Crouching Tiger rip-off about a bunch of people who for some reason are able to fly because they're good at karate. At least this one' got Jet-Li, so you'll be able to tell one of the characters apart from the others.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because it takes a perfectly awesome, time-worn premise — karate dude goes into an international fighting tournament for reasons of vengeance — and tarts it up with a lot of Chinese history. That' like taking Mecha-Godzilla and Mothra, and having them sort out their differences through math problems.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

IN A NUTSHELL
Get the whole Anchorman gang back together, switch the focus from 1970' newsroom to southern-fried NASCAR, and you've pretty much summed up Ricky Bobby. But since Anchorman was a pretty hilarious flick, I don't think we'll be hearing many complaints. Also climbing aboard Ferrell's latest vehicle are John C. Reilly, Gary Cole, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Sacha "Ali G" Cohen as the freaky French villain. Nice.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Dunno. Cause you're a Communist? This actually sounds really sweet.

August 9

World Trade Center

IN A NUTSHELL
Nothing says "summertime escapism" like an Oliver Stone docudrama about 9/11, am I right? Woo! Woooo! Sigh. Nicolas Cage and Michael Pena star as Port Authority policemen trapped beneath a crumbling World Trade Center.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because to hell with "It's too soon" as an excuse, what we should be saying is "If anyone's going to say something relevant and provoking about this tragedy, we'd rather it wasn't Hollywood." These are the fucktards who made Dude, Where' My Car? Why don't we give some Nobel Prize for Literature winners a crack at this first, then we bring in the big Hollywood guns?
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