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July 7

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man' Chest

IN A NUTSHELL
The sequel to the original Pirates of the Carribean, which was itself based on the Disney ride Pirates of the Carribean, which is itself based on a log flume. Plans are in the works for Disney' next cinematic epic, Bouncy Red Ball on a Trampoline, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as the trampoline.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because critics and film geeks alike will once again heap accolades on Depp for his performance, since acting like Gay Pirate Keith Richards is apparently a comic tour de force and not, say, completely horse-shittingly insane.

July 14

You, Me and Dupree

IN A NUTSHELL
Owen Wilson reprises his role as a free-swinging bachelor who moves in with a newlywed couple. Think Wedding Crashers-era Owen Wilson, but without the dignity.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
You know how everyone said the ending of Wedding Crashers sucked because it got all sappy once they left the island? They're wrong. It sucked because Vince Vaughn' character went away and Wilson couldn't carry the movie on his own.

Pulse

IN A NUTSHELL
Once a Japanese horror classic, this shitified American remake continues in the tradition of stinkbombs like The Ring, The Grudge and The One-Syllable Noun. Sure to entertain teenagers and piss off the Japanese.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Much like Asian women, Asian horror movies are just better than ours. Why we continue to add insult to injury by continually insisting on remaking their superior horror movies into crappy I Know What You Did Last Summer knockoffs with tousled-haired jeans models pretending to act is proof why we're maybe a little too globalized for our own good.



July 21

Lady in the Water

IN A NUTSHELL
M. Night Shyamalan' spooky new opus revolves around average fatty Giamatti rescuing a young woman who turns out to be a narf, a character from a bedtime story. According to sources, this ridiculous nonsense was originally thought up by Shyamalan as an actual bedtime story for his children, which sort of explains why Lady in the Water sounds like it was written to impress five-year-olds.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because ever since The Sixth Sense, Poor M. Night OneTrickPony' been making movies with crazy clownshit twist endings. Here' a shock ending: it turns out Twilight Zone episodes work better when they're a half-hour long instead of an hour and a goddamn half, M. Night. Also: there' something on the wing, and we were present-day ghosts the whole time!

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

IN A NUTSHELL
Has Ivan Reitman made one good movie since Ghostbusters? This corndog, which asks what might happen if your psycho ex-girlfriend had super powers, looks to continue Reitman' losing streak, given that it boasts the comedic pairing of bland straightman Luke Wilson and blander straightwoman Uma Thurman. That' a recipe for comedy, it is.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Note to Ivan: It' called a Bill Murray. Try casting one sometime this decade, you'll find they make movies funny.

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July 28

Miami Vice

IN A NUTSHELL
Colin Farrell IS Crockett! Jamie Foxx IS Tubbs! You, the viewing audience, ARE mystified as to how this unnecessary adaptation got made!

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because director Michael Mann is usually pretty dependable, so dude should know better than to remake Miami Vice with a straight face. We don't want gritty realism, Michael Mann. We want Crocket in a pastel suit and punching drug lords on a speedboat driven by his pet crocodile Elvis, that' flying through a building while exploding.

John Tucker Must Die

IN A NUTSHELL
Three hot girls from the same high school discover they're all banging the same dude, and decide to get him back by having him fall in love with a pretty girl who' agreed to break his heart. That does indeed sound like a foolproof plan — I'm sure no one, not even a child of three, could spot a flaw in it.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
The star of this movie about a kid banging the four hottest girls in his high school also happens to be the kid who bangs Eva Longoria in Desperate Houswives, or as I call him, the man with the single greatest casting agent in the universe.

August 4

The Ant Bully

IN A NUTSHELL
From the director of Jimmy Neutron comes the story of a boy who takes to torturing a local ant colony, only to be shrunken down to insect size and forced to see how it feels to be on the receiving end of a three-hour train of ant rape.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because the director has been quoted as saying that this movie provides a stark political parable for our times, demonstrating his compassion for people of other cultures by equating them with ants.

The Night Listener

IN A NUTSHELL
Robin Williams stars as a man who becomes famous in the 70' for snorting large amounts of cocaine and raving like a complete fucking retard only to retire into a eerie career twilight spent growing a beard and making people feel creepy about everything.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
The movie follows the story of a famous radio host and writer, two professions that practically beg you to make a movie about them. This was the second draft idea they had after scrapping a movie about a professional statue.



Fearless

IN A NUTSHELL
Another Crouching Tiger rip-off about a bunch of people who for some reason are able to fly because they're good at karate. At least this one' got Jet-Li, so you'll be able to tell one of the characters apart from the others.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because it takes a perfectly awesome, time-worn premise — karate dude goes into an international fighting tournament for reasons of vengeance — and tarts it up with a lot of Chinese history. That' like taking Mecha-Godzilla and Mothra, and having them sort out their differences through math problems.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

IN A NUTSHELL
Get the whole Anchorman gang back together, switch the focus from 1970' newsroom to southern-fried NASCAR, and you've pretty much summed up Ricky Bobby. But since Anchorman was a pretty hilarious flick, I don't think we'll be hearing many complaints. Also climbing aboard Ferrell's latest vehicle are John C. Reilly, Gary Cole, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Sacha "Ali G" Cohen as the freaky French villain. Nice.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Dunno. Cause you're a Communist? This actually sounds really sweet.

August 9

World Trade Center

IN A NUTSHELL
Nothing says "summertime escapism" like an Oliver Stone docudrama about 9/11, am I right? Woo! Woooo! Sigh. Nicolas Cage and Michael Pena star as Port Authority policemen trapped beneath a crumbling World Trade Center.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because to hell with "It's too soon" as an excuse, what we should be saying is "If anyone's going to say something relevant and provoking about this tragedy, we'd rather it wasn't Hollywood." These are the fucktards who made Dude, Where' My Car? Why don't we give some Nobel Prize for Literature winners a crack at this first, then we bring in the big Hollywood guns?
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