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July 7

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man' Chest

IN A NUTSHELL
The sequel to the original Pirates of the Carribean, which was itself based on the Disney ride Pirates of the Carribean, which is itself based on a log flume. Plans are in the works for Disney' next cinematic epic, Bouncy Red Ball on a Trampoline, starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as the trampoline.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because critics and film geeks alike will once again heap accolades on Depp for his performance, since acting like Gay Pirate Keith Richards is apparently a comic tour de force and not, say, completely horse-shittingly insane.

July 14

You, Me and Dupree

IN A NUTSHELL
Owen Wilson reprises his role as a free-swinging bachelor who moves in with a newlywed couple. Think Wedding Crashers-era Owen Wilson, but without the dignity.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
You know how everyone said the ending of Wedding Crashers sucked because it got all sappy once they left the island? They're wrong. It sucked because Vince Vaughn' character went away and Wilson couldn't carry the movie on his own.

Pulse

IN A NUTSHELL
Once a Japanese horror classic, this shitified American remake continues in the tradition of stinkbombs like The Ring, The Grudge and The One-Syllable Noun. Sure to entertain teenagers and piss off the Japanese.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Much like Asian women, Asian horror movies are just better than ours. Why we continue to add insult to injury by continually insisting on remaking their superior horror movies into crappy I Know What You Did Last Summer knockoffs with tousled-haired jeans models pretending to act is proof why we're maybe a little too globalized for our own good.

July 21

Lady in the Water

IN A NUTSHELL
M. Night Shyamalan' spooky new opus revolves around average fatty Giamatti rescuing a young woman who turns out to be a narf, a character from a bedtime story. According to sources, this ridiculous nonsense was originally thought up by Shyamalan as an actual bedtime story for his children, which sort of explains why Lady in the Water sounds like it was written to impress five-year-olds.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because ever since The Sixth Sense, Poor M. Night OneTrickPony' been making movies with crazy clownshit twist endings. Here' a shock ending: it turns out Twilight Zone episodes work better when they're a half-hour long instead of an hour and a goddamn half, M. Night. Also: there' something on the wing, and we were present-day ghosts the whole time!

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

IN A NUTSHELL
Has Ivan Reitman made one good movie since Ghostbusters? This corndog, which asks what might happen if your psycho ex-girlfriend had super powers, looks to continue Reitman' losing streak, given that it boasts the comedic pairing of bland straightman Luke Wilson and blander straightwoman Uma Thurman. That' a recipe for comedy, it is.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Note to Ivan: It' called a Bill Murray. Try casting one sometime this decade, you'll find they make movies funny.

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