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Spring Movie Preview
February 10th 2006The Pink Panther IN A NUTSHELLSteve Martin reprises Peter Sellers' classic role as a bumbling, kindhearted inspector who digs up Peter Sellers' corpse and anally violates it in front of filmgoers nationwide. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Because if you wanted to watch someone fall down for an hour and a half straight, you could go to a bus stop, spin retarded people around and save ten dollars. Curious George IN A NUTSHELL Curious George is a curious little monkey. Further details not already explained by the film' title are most likely redundant. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Following hot on the heels of Bewitched and Kicking and Screaming, Curious George is the final nail in the coffin of Will Ferrell' credibility as a relevant comedian, and possibly the third stop on Captain Ferrell' Money Train to I-Stopped-Caring Acres. Final Destination 3 IN A NUTSHELLA third group of foxy, big-breasted teens escape the clutches of Death, only to learn he' hunting them for sport. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Because they've made the same movie three goddamn times now, and your memory recall hasn't been obliterated by concussion grenades. February 17th 2006Date Movie IN A NUTSHELLRomantic comedies get their comeuppance by the same comedy team who dared to satirize Scream, which, like romantic comedies, was already a comedy. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Comedies getting laughs sending up films that were already intended to be funny is like someone making fun of The Daily Show for resembling a news show. It turns out the joke was already there, and you were too stupid to get it. Doctor Dolittle 3 IN A NUTSHELLEddie Murphy has the ability to both talk to computer-generated animals and ignore his agent. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT [Comedies with talking babies] are to [paper clips under your fingernails] as [comedies with talking animals] are to [tying Eddie Murphy down and shoving paper clips under his.] March 17th 2006She's the Man IN A NUTSHELLA teenage girl disguises herself as her twin brother so she can play soccer at his private boarding school. Nobody notices, because CHICKS RULE! Rampant homophobia disguised as jokes ensue when she falls in love with a boy, but get this, he digs the ladies! She makes a pass at him anyway and he murders her. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Because its message—that cross-dressing schoolgirls are just as good as boys at private school transvestite sports until they succumb to their forbidden passions—is really only applicable to the sorts of freaks who we maybe shouldn't be encouraging to succeed. Plus, if the film's message is true, then the Olympics are run by fascists who separate men's and women's sports because they love the taste of teen girl tears, not self-evident physical gender differences. V for Vendetta IN A NUTSHELLAn ex-mental patient builds a terrorist cell in dystopian future Britain, commits murder and blows up government buildings with the help of a bald-headed Natalie Portman. Luckily the terrorism's completely inapplicable to real life, since in this fictional scenario, they only do it because the government lies. That sound you just heard was 10,000 impressionable trenchcoat-wearing outcasts cocking their semi-automatic rifles, by the way. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Because League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and From Hell already proved there isn't a subtle, textured Alan Moore graphic novel in existence that can't be turned into a feature-length Hollywood film about a farting donkey CEO on roller skates switching places with a pantsless Rob Schneider... with outrageous results! March 31st 2006Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction IN A NUTSHELLA Scotland Yard detective is led into a deadly game of seduction by Sharon Stone, who once agains lets America know she likes showing us her labia. David Caruso and Eric Roberts confound the planet by not co-starring in this piece of shit. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT There are cheaper, less publicly humiliating ways to see a sixty-year-old woman show you her pussy in front of strangers. Slip Renee Russo a fiver, for one. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown IN A NUTSHELLA plucky band of prehistoric animals learn about sharing and teamwork while surviving a second Ice Age. Or the same Ice Age. Or who honestly cares. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Because the comedy stylings of Ray Romano and Denis Leary are like the great taste of peanut butter and chocolate. Bland, nasally peanut butter and chain-smoking, irritating chocolate that' not as funny as it thinks it is. A Scanner Darkly IN A NUTSHELLIn the future, a fantastic new drug gives people Multiple Personality Disorder, so naturally it sells like hotcakes. Renegade loose cannon cop Keanu Reeves must overcome his annoying, monotoned stupidity to stop blah blah blah BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM click. WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT Once you strip away the neat-o "They made real life look like a cartoon!" visual effect, you'll realize you just paid good money to watch a Poor Man' Strange Days starring planks of wood Keanu Reeves and Woody Harrelson, and you'll never ever stop hating yourself. |
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Actually, V for Vendetta and A Scanner Darkly were really good. V deviated significantly from the message of the original, but it was nevertheless a well-made film.
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