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Notes on the First Draft of Snakes on a Plane

While the blogosphere was buzzing all summer about the extra scenes that were shot to make Snakes on a Plane more outrageous, less is known about the scenes that were cut from the original script. Lucky for you, we got our hands on the notes studio executives sent to writer Josh Friedman on the first draft of his script.

Josh, I dig it. It' like Jaws meets Anaconda meets Schindler' List (I saw Schindler' List on a plane.) However, we did have a couple of comments that we'd like you to address before we green light this baby:

P. 1
We just don't think the audience is going to believe that the snakes got onto the plane after catching up with the airliner in a hot air balloon. Also, your decision to add dialogue between the snakes completely diffuses the horror from this film. For example, the part where they're trying to get the balloon off the ground and several of them start complaining about not having appendages. Even worse, the part where they finally get the balloon off the ground with "a little help from teamwork," and one of the snakes comments to the other that there' nothing that can't be done "with a little cooperation."

P. 22
Why are the snakes armed with pistols? They're venomous and, as they keep reminding us, they don't have appendages.

P. 34
Your decision to have the snakes desperately trying to escape during the playing of the in-flight movie Monster In-Law seemed like an unnecessary dig and adds nothing to the rest of the film.

P. 54
We found it hard to believe that during a layover in Cleveland no one remembered to remove the snakes from the plane.

P. 68
We don't feel that a song and dance number is appropriate for this film, let alone one as confusing as what you wrote. In it, the snakes and the humans team up, including several people who, in previous scenes were bitten and either killed by the snakes or in grave condition. Even more strange, it is as if for portions, you forgot everyone is on a plane. You have them dancing on mountain tops, on ice bergs and at one point, you have them doing a tango under the sea. By the time the whole number is done, which to our estimates is 20 minutes later at the earliest, the viewer completely forgets where the plot left off.


P. 72
Let' get rid of the scene where that king cobra attacks and kills a man for kicking the back of his seat. Snakes don't need reasons for killing people. They're snakes.

P. 93
We found it odd when the pit viper was about to sink his teeth into the neck of a young lady, but happens to look her in the eyes and fall madly in love with her. Even stranger, the young lady does not convince the viper to help the humans, but instead, the viper convinces her to help the snakes. Just a side note here, as a rule of thumb, 90 minutes into a film is too late to start a love story, especially one involving a snake and a human and especially when the relationship ends ten minutes later because of jealousy.

P. 115
When the pilot passes out from a snakebite, it seems out of character and contradictory that one of the snakes takes the controls, and heroically lands the plane, let alone that he landed it to a cheering cabin full of passengers. The little pilot hat you had him put on for this feat was cute we admit, but where would he get one small enough to fit him? And again, there' the issue of the appendages.

P.120
We were just curious as to why you took the time to write out the ending credits. The film hasn't even been shot, let alone cast. It is also confusing and a little macabre that at the end of these credits you include a disclaimer stating, "several passengers and snakes were killed during the making of this film." What are you planning here?

Once you address these issues, we'll be happy to give this film the green light.
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