Notes On Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Horror fans are bracing themselves for the prequel to one of the most legendary horror films of all times. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is about to hit theatres, but moviegoers won't see all of the scenes originally intended for the film. Luckily, we got our hands on the notes studio executives sent to writer Sheldon Turner on the first draft of his script.

Sheldon, great script! You really fill in the holes and answer a lot of the questions fans have been asking for decades. However, we have a few issues we need you to address before we can green light this one:

Page 7
While it is interesting to show how negative influences during childhood helped to shape Leatherface into a killer, we think that having him sitting in the same second grade classroom as Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, Pin Head, Count Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, Godzilla, Boo Berry, Skeletor, Gargamel, The Blair Witch, The "guy who knows what you did last summer," Scarecrow, Dick Cheney and Ann Coulter is going a little overboard.

Page 16
In the original film, it is assumed that since Leatherface' family members are homicidal cannibals, they made the furniture crafted out of human body limbs themselves from their victims. It seems inconsistent that you have them, in this scene, purchasing the furniture on six months same as cash from Ikea.

Page 21 - 81
Let' get rid of the scene where it is revealed that Leatherface' weapon of choice before the chainsaw was the salad spinner. It is confusing how such a device could be used as an effective weapon, even though you've devoted the next 60 pages of the script here trying to explain it.

Page 94
Leatherface is just a name. He shouldn't be so concerned about getting his face wet.

Page 101
Okay, here you have a teenaged Leatherface on his first date and the movie he takes his girlfriend to see is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is baffling on many levels.

Page 130
This is the third time Leatherface' chainsaw has crapped out just before a kill and he' kicked himself for "not buying a Black & Decker." First of all, if these must be the first instances in which Leatherface has ever talked, it seems the words should be much more monumental. Second, while it' obvious you're going for product placement dollars, we doubt that Black & Decker is going to be happy with its products being touted for their killing effectiveness.

Page 147
You've taken great pains to show how primary and secondary influences shaped Leatherface into a killer, so why in this scene, do we find out that Leatherface has a rare optical condition where he can't tell the difference between people and overgrown trees?

Page 153
Let' get rid of the notion that Leatherface has a sidekick named "Kicky the Kangaroo." We know you've gone to great measures to establish him as a Barney Fife style character who routinely walks in on Leatherface killing someone and shouts "Leatherface, what are you doing?!" but this film doesn't need comedic relief, especially from a talking kangaroo.

Page 174
Now you're suggesting that Leatherface was shaped into a killer because he was influenced by violent gangsta rap lyrics. First of all, rap music didn't exist until 20 years after this film was set. Secondly, DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince were not gangsta rappers.

Page 188
The high speed surfing chase scene seems out of place for this film.

Page 193
Let' get rid of the scene where Leatherface looks directly into the camera and urges kids to "stay in school." It' not a good idea to have a homicidal maniac in a film trying to influence children, no matter how positive his message.

Page 199
The characters here act like it is some sort of huge revelation that Leatherface is vulnerable to kicks in the crotch. Who isn't???

Page 210
Leatherface is surrounded by police, but at the end of the film, escapes by deploying his "rocket shoes." Leatherface came from a family of hillbillies; he would never possess such technology. It feels like a cheap way for you to end this film. Even more confusing, during the credits you show him zooming through the sky via his shoes, flying over China, Australia, Great Britain, Pakistan, Idaho, Uruguay and The Soviet Union - in that order. Have you ever looked at a map?

Page 211-231
After the credits, you have Leatherface landing in the Soviet Union and meeting with Stalin, who died 16 years prior to when this film is set, and vowing to launch a Texas Chainsaw Massacre in four years. Stalin then exclaims "Ompa!" (which is Greek) and the two crack open a couple of American brewed Budweisers and have a ten minute conversation about how it is truly the king of beers. Let' just end this thing after the credits.

Once you address these changes, we'll be happy to give this film the green light.