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Movie Quotes: How To Use Them

Well-known movies always seem to creep their way into conversations. You're probably willing to let it slide the 70th time your mom says "Alrighty then!" She' old and small, and doesn't know any better. That fucktard office comedian from the Marketing department, on the other hand, is a completely different story.

With the arrival of awful SNL comedies in the last decade, this phenomenon has only worsened, resulting in the all-too-common awkward social situation where one person says something from an Adam Sandler movie and everybody else feels immensely, immensely sorry for them. So, as a public service, CRACKED has compiled the most commonly used movie quotes, along with a description of when they should actually be used in conversation.


"I find your lack of faith... disturbing."

ORIGINS
If you don't recognize this as what Darth Vader says while using the Force to choke an Imperial Officer like a badass, you probably don't know what Star Wars is, and are either a Quaker, a cave man or just old. However, if you knew the creepy factoid that the officer being choked is called Admiral Motti, you know a bit too much about Star Wars, and in all likelihood the sun and vaginas are probably hypothetical pieces of mythology you've only read about on the internet, Han Solo.

USING IT PROPERLY
To effectively deliver the line: first, let out a few loud, Vader-like breaths. Then, let go of the steering wheel and put down your gin and tonic. Finally, reach across the car to the passenger side, clamp down securely on their windpipe and deliver the line. Nine out of ten people will think you're awesome for doing this.


"There' no CRYING! There' no CRYING in BASEBALL!"

ORIGINS
When Tom Hanks screamed this line at one of his players in A League of Their Own, men everywhere gave thanks. Whether it' because they broke a nail or they're weepy because I ran over their dog, again, it seems like women are always crying. This makes men flustered or confused, which is ironically the only two ways Tom Hanks is able to act. See how we came full circle with that?

USING IT PROPERLY
A generation ago, men could help women cope by offering to "give them something to REALLY cry about." While effective, during the 70' this became taboo for reasons we didn't bother to research. Though this is off-limits, now when the girlfriend is crying, you can just remind her that "There' no CRYING in BASEBALL!" in your best nasally Hanksian whine. She'll laugh those tears away! Particularly if she knows what' good for her!


"Are you not entertained?!"

ORIGINS
In Gladiator, Russell Crowe is a muscular fighting machine that can't be stopped. He is a wooer of women, a leader of men, and a would-be king of Rome. Incidentally, this is how most men see themselves, unless they're pussies.

USING IT PROPERLY
Are you a pussy? If not, the next time you beat your buddy Rick at Golden Tee, hurl your beer across the bar, raise your arms in triumph, and shout, "Are you not entertained?!" And when those two big guys start heading through the crowd towards you, don't think of them as "bouncers", but as fellow gladiators, thirsting for the thrill of armed combat. Go get 'em, Maximus!


"Sorry Goose, but it' time to buzz the tower."

ORIGINS
Before Tom Cruise was an object of ridicule, he was a rogue fighter pilot named Maverick in the awesome-even-though-it's-all-sorts-of-subtextual-gay Top Gun. One of the ways Maverick showed that he played by his own rules was by "buzzing the tower," or flying so close to the flight control tower that it made some guy spill his coffee. Since that time, "Buzzing the tower" has come to signify any potentially dangerous action that is worth the risk.

USING IT PROPERLY
The next time your girlfriend asks you to "play by the rules" and put on a "condom" because she' "ovulating" and you "can't go the weekend without getting drunk and peeing the bed let alone raise a child" just look her in the eye, smile and say, "Sorry Goose, but it' time to buzz the tower." (This works especially well if your girlfriend' name is Goose or if she is at least named for some variation of waterfowl.) Extra points if you can get her to shout "MAVERICKKKKKKKKKKK!" and shake her fist at you when you climax.




"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

ORIGINS
We at Cracked have never actually seen Gone with the Wind -- that would have cut into valuable black market pornography time, or as we like to call it, "weekdays" -- so we have no idea in what context Rhett Butler said this line to Scarlett O'Hara. Luckily, however, most of the people who've claimed to have seen this fossil are either film majors, lying or dead -- so really, who cares.

USING IT PROPERLY
The great thing about "Frankly my dear" is that it has all the essentials of a great quote: it' short, to the point, and misogynistic, which makes it useful in a wide variety of situations. And, should a man ever have the balls to say this to his wife as she is delivering his baby, that guy deserves a high-five. Also a plane ticket, as he'll soon need it to lay low for a bit.


"Khaaaaaaaaan!"


ORIGINS
Okay, a lot of you might not know that this is what Captain Kirk (played by William Shatner, of course) screams at Ricardo Montalbon' Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. This film is often held as the high watermark for wrath-based Trek movies.

USING IT PROPERLY
Anytime you hear "Khaaaan!", it means there's probably a nerd nearby who is pissed off, so you might want to look down and make sure you're not stepping on any twenty-sided dice. Nerds fight like cornered raccoons, and they take words like "wrath" very seriously. Also, they will go right for your fucking eyes. Say something like "Buffy Red Dwarf Gandalf, Kirk's better than Picard" and beat a retreat in the confusion.


"You wan't the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth!"

ORIGINS
This bad boy's from the ending scene in A Few Good Men, where Tom Cruise successfully outwits tough-as-nails marine Jack Nicholson into admitting he ordered the death of an incompetent cadet. No, you read that right: Tom Cruise outwits someone. It's fiction.

USING IT PROPERLY
Sure to add a little levity to any intervention, this quote is used almost exclusively by people who secretly suspect that they do a sweet Jack Nicholson impression. Of course, as Christian Slater' career demonstrates, people often give themselves a lot more credit than they deserve for bad Jack Nicholson impressions, which might explain the confounding longevity of this old chestnut. The sad irony here is, there are good Nicholson lines out there. Take "People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch" from As Good As It Gets, for instance. Now there' a line that would come in handy in, off the tops of our heads, like seven different places.


"Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time."

ORIGINS
One of Frank the Tank' longer lines from Old School. And okay, nobody's actually saying this. Still, we think they should start. It may take a little while to get out, but by "Home Depot," most of your buddies'll probably know where you're going, and give you the time to get there.

USING IT PROPERLY
If you're hanging out with a married/engaged friend, you can use this quote to give your buddy a sarcastic elbow in the ribs. It' a lot less lame than making the official pussy-whipped whu-PISH! sound effect, and it' a lot more subtle than kicking your friend in the balls and screaming, "I'm surprised you're doubled over in pain from that kick to the groin, as I'd long assumed that your wife had physically removed your testicles."

Read more of Zach's stuff over at his blog UnderpantsOnTheOutside.com.
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