Easter Movie Preview: Texas Chainsaw Jesus

Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ made big money at the box office. Now it's time for the ultimate resurrection: a Hollywood sequel. Find out what Hollywood big-wigs have in store for the Son of God's big screen return.

FROM: Ryan Leremy, President, New Market Films
TO: Doug Sanderson CEO, Icon Productions, Inc.
SUBJECT: The Passion of the Christ sequel
Doug: Very excited to hear that Mel is planning a sequel to Passion. I'd love to see the script. He left the door open for Jesus to come back with the whole "resurrection" thing. Is it historically accurate? Just a quibble. Let's get this thing green-lit.

FROM: Doug
TO: Ryan
SUBJECT: Possible Titles
Ryan: Everyone here is very excited also. We want to be more edgy this time. Mel is playing with titles for the new film (Passion II is out). How does this grab you: Texas Chainsaw Jesus? Rome is in decline and this time around, Jesus is menaced by a chainsaw-wielding maniac. He escapes through courage and wits. We're trying to bring in Colin Farrell.

FROM: Ryan
TO: Doug
SUBJECT: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Doug: Love the overall concept. Definitely want to work with Mel again. But were there power tools in 30 AD? What about something where the apostles get knocked off one by one? It's up to Jesus to bring the lunatic to justice. It's Seven meets The Da Vinci Code. Colin Farrell's good, but let's get an action guy for this.

FROM: Doug
TO: Ryan
SUBJECT: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Great ideas. Maybe we skip the chainsaw and go with a scythe. I'll check with our biblical image consultants. We just want to be careful not to sacrifice the overall meaning here. Jesus is back, and he' got a score to settle with the Jews. This time, it' personal. We'll send out feelers to Bruce Willis.

FROM: Ryan
TO: Doug
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Doug: Just received the first draft. We're all loving it! Some notes: Are you married to the nun chucks? Otherwise, the "massacre at the temple" scene is perfect. Where in the Bible does it imply that Christ has x-ray vision? The chase scene is great. But after falling down a hill, camels generally don't explode. What if, in the end, Jesus realizes his own mortality? It would help audience identify.

FROM: Ryan
TO: Doug
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Doug: One more note on the first draft. We were all wondering about this stage direction:
JEWS ENTER (Cue "Imperial March" from Star Wars)

FROM: Doug
TO: Ryan
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Ryan, just got your merchandising proposals. Mel says "no go" to Sega' concept of a Rapture game. Also to the John The Baptist scratch-n-win game cards. We're making an historical movie here, not bobbleheads. Great news, though: Industrial Light and Magic has come on board to handle special effects. All battle/flying scenes will be CGI, and one of the apostles (Bartholomew) will be totally digital.

FROM: Ryan
TO: Doug
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Doug, love the CGI!!! And totally understand where you're coming from with the merchandising. But we'd be fools not to take advantage of the moneymaking possibilities here. Kellogg's wants to do Pop Tarts with images of the Virgin Mary burned into them.

FROM: Doug
TO: Ryan
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
I really have to put my foot down on merchandising. Your latest proposal, "The Lord Has Come Scoop Tortilla Chips," goes over the line. Our audience is expecting something religious, pious, violent, vengeful and acion-packed. In the rush to make a movie that's marketable, we don't want to throw out a movie that's martyrable.

FROM: Ryan
TO: Doug
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Take off the hair shirt for a moment and look at things from our perspective. What's wrong with Christ's face on a can of Mountain Dew? Religion is 90% marketing. The other 10% is getting a good parking place at church. Hasbro already has a "Judas Mr. Potato Head" in production. Don't pass this up.

FROM: Doug
TO: Ryan
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Ryan: Mel has a vision. That vision involves people of other faiths trying to murder the Son of God-in one scene, with a speeding chariot. It does not include "Sermon on the Mount" ringtones.

FROM: Ryan
TO: Doug
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
We're coming to a parting of the ways. I don't see how we can market this. I'm worried about the 13-22 demographic. If you brought back the chainsaw, at least we'd have a hook.

FROM: Doug
TO: Ryan
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Fine, the chainsaw is back in. Mel is actually not averse to power tools-Jesus can have all he wants. Routers, miter saws"¦ He was a carpenter. However, your idea about Matthew being a talking bear was roundly rejected.

FROM: Ralph Reed, President, Christian Coalition
TO: Doug Sanderson CEO, Icon Productions, Inc.
CC: Ryan Leremy, President, New Market Films
SUBJECT: Texas Chainsaw Jesus
Guys, thank you for the advance copy of the script for Mel Gibson's sequel to The Passion of the Christ, Texas Chainsaw Jesus. Loved it. One complaint, however: apparently some of the Jews escaped. Now, can we discuss merchandising?