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Cracked's Oscar Rundown (Part One)

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote Hoffman is author Truman Capote, investigating the Kansas heartland murders that led to his famous book "Fuck-Bandits In My Pants VIII: Deadly Thunder."

Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow Howard plays DJay, a small-time pimp with big-time dreams of winning gold at the International Pimp Olympics. But can he overcome his demons in time?
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain Ledger portrays Ennis Del Mar, a Wyoming cowboy who spends the better part of his life wondering: Was that a roll of dimes in his pocket? Or was Jake Gyllenhaal just happy to see him?
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line Hairlipped Phoenix plays the conspicuously non-hairlipped Johnny Cash, striving to overcome a country western singing career to triumph as a wife-beating drug user.
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck Strathairn is Edward R. Murrow, and doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning this, so let's pretend he played a crime-fighting astronaut who could fart love-grenades.

WHO OUGHTTA WIN

Jay: Philip Seymour Hoffman. He puts his middle name in everything. Anyone with three names is destined to win an Oscar.

Karla: You're thinking of assassinating the President.

Jay: Whatever. Your pick?

Karla: Heath Ledger. If there's one thing liberal Hollywood likes better than nominating homosexual leading men, its rubbing a big ol' win in conservative America's face.

Jay: I'm changing my answer. Christian Bale, Batman Begins. Homo-erotic leading men go down a lot smoother with bat-karate and rampaging bat-themed supertanks.

Next: Best Actress

 

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