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Cracked's 2007 Oscar Rundown

Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Alan Arkin gets the role of his life as Little Miss Sunshine, a small girl who invents a gun that shoots sunshine and makes people happy. The 60 year-old bald actor bravely decided to play the role without the aid of CG effects or prosthetics, forcing the viewer to imagine him as a silly young girl with big dreams.

Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Haley plays a hard-nosed New York City detective who gets more than he bargained for when he accidentally adopts an orphanage full of children. How will he solve murders when he's... changing diapers? The answer might amuse you greatly.

Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Hounsou portrays Blood E. Diamond, a professional speed boat racer who learns his rival has injected him with a poison that will kill him if he stops shouting at the top of his lungs for even one second.

Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Murphy plays a man who discovers magic boots that will grant him any wish at all, provided that wish involves the ownership of magic boots.

Mark Wahlberg, The Departed
Mark Wahlberg portrays a character coming to terms with the mystery of having only appeared in The Departed for all of two minutes in a middling performance and getting inexplicably nominated for an Oscar anyway.

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Mark Wahlberg's car in The Departed, a 1992 Buick Roadmaster. Since we never actually see Wahlberg drive anywhere in the film, the Roadmaster technically has even less screen time than he did, edging out a slim win over the ex-rap star.

Just because the Roadmaster never appears in The Departed, however, don't for a second underestimate how thoroughly its performance winds through the picture. In any scene with Wahlberg in it, for instance, the viewer must ask themselves: how did he get there? How will he leave after the scene is over? Obviously, in the Roadmaster. Much like New York City is talked of as a "character" in film reviews by snooty Salon.com writers, so too can we make the claim that without the 1992 Buick Roadmaster, Wahlberg and whoever he was driving wouldn't have appeared in any scenes at all.


Adriana Barraza, Babel
Bazzara previously starred in groundbreaking Mexican soap operas like Las Alas del Pez (“Where is my candy?”) and El Rancho del Titty Grande (“My heart weeps on the mountain”) before landing this supporting role in Babel ("To watch paint dry").

Cate Blanchett, Notes On A Scandal
No stranger to Oscar awards, world-class thespian Blanchett goes head-to-head with Dame Judi Dench in a knock-down, no-holds-barred cage match act-down. Viewers with easily upset stomachs might want to skip past the Monologue Showdown, the aftermath of which forced production to stop while Blanchett and Dench were rushed to the emergency room with blood loss and fractures.

Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
This bitch is 10 years old and has already accomplished more in her life than you ever will. She managed to survive Kate Hudson’s bong-smelling funk while filming Raising Helen, and possibly avoided getting molested by Alan Arkin, which is probably good for a couple votes, but we really don’t need another Dakota Fanning. We're not even sure if we need one.

Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Hudson, the talented singer who was kicked off of American Idol for being a little too chubby to ever become a famous singer, makes Simon Cowell eat his words by believably portraying a character who is too chubby to become a famous singer.

Rinko Kikuchi, Babel
For a movie that was apparently awesome enough to be nominated for Best Picture, the only actors to get a nod of any kid are, suspiciously enough, both in this category. Best Supporting Actress awards are the Oscar equivelant of the cheap trophies you give the retarded kids on Track and Field day; everybody leaves with smiles on their faces, but nobody's calling them up the next day for a shot at the Olympics.


AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Oscar voters get completely moist anytime you mention Cate Blanchett. “So, I saw Cate Blanchett at the grocery store.” “Oh god, was it powerful and moving?” “I don’t know, she was just picking up some trash bags.” “I bet it was MAGICAL.”

Add the fact that the movie features Cate beating the living hell out of fellow Oscar spank material Dame Judi, and you've got yourself a sure thing. Look closely after her win and you’ll see Blanchett’s Oscar statue sporting a little gold hard-on for how dramatically she's holding it.

 

 

 

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