Cracked's 2007 Oscar Rundown

Ah, Oscar time! That magical night when Hollywood gets together in a big room and fellates itself excitedly over a handful of movies nobody bothered to watch in theaters.

Did a film make almost no money? Are the actors in period costume, crying lavishly in the trailers or dealing with "important" issues like abortion, retardation or botulism poisoning? Was the first time you even heard about the existence of the film when the Academy announced its nominations this year? If so, it's walking home with Oscar gold!

This Sunday, before you gather around the TV for three and a half hours of stultifying boredom, embarrassing dance numbers and actors steepling their fingers in concentration while the nominees are being named off, take a minute to read our predictions. It's like watching the actual Oscars, but without having to endure things like Billy Crystal or Ellen Degeneres. You're welcome.

 

Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson
Ryan Gosling plays a high school wrestling coach who teaches his students the most valuable lesson of all: believing in yourself. He accomplishes this by making them touch each other while taking hundreds of tastefully lit pictures.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
DiCaprio battles an evil cartel over a diamond filled with the blood of Merlin the Wizard, which has the power to grant its holder the gift of eternal optimism and flawless washboard abs.

Peter O'Toole, Venus
Peter O'Toole plays an actor coming to the end of his life, reflecting on the choices he's made in his career and relationships. Must have been a real hard part to nail.

Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Will Smith plays a man who discovers he has the courage to risk the health and financial security of his entire family to chase ridiculous dreams, and the bravery to ignore his wife while doing so.

Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
Whitaker embodies the role of the violent Idi Amin in this feel-good switcheroo comedy about a down-on-his-luck Scottish King who trades places with the Ugandan President...with hilarious results!

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

Peter O'Toole will most likely be dead soon, and the Academy knows this. The last time they tried to honor the almost-dead actor was in 2003, with the presentation of a lame duck "Lifetime Achievement" Oscar, which backfired considerably. O'Toole accepted the award by telling the Academy, in a nutshell, to go fuck themselves for not bothering to award him for a specific performance once in his entire career. Since then, the Academy's been waiting for O'Toole to act in pretty much anything at all, just so they could fall over themselves in a rush to give him a trophy for it.

What we're trying to say here is that Peter O'Toole could have spent the intirety of Venus's running time in a giant latex vagina costume, saying things like "Toot toot! Dicks go in here!" There's no way he's not walking home with a win Sunday.


Penelope Cruz, Volver
Penelope Cruz stars in a movie I'm fairly certain nobody will ever watch ever, so I feel comfortable in postulating the film is about Cruz's breasts and how wet, full and bouncy they are. Also, I just realized how awesome that is, and that I need to write a script and get ahold of Penelope Cruz's people.

Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Dench brings Angela Lansbury's Jessica Fletcher to life in Notes, on a Scandal, the long-awaited big screen adaptation of the classic TV series Murder, She Wrote. In Scandal, scenic Flowerville seems like the perfect town for a book signing by Jessica (Dench), until a murder goes and ruins everything.

Helen Mirren, The Queen
Mirren plays Queen Elizabeth in a film dealing with the media's exploitation of Princess Diana's death, which is itself a piece of media exploiting Princess Diana's death. Mirren reportedly filmed over 4000 intensely erotic nude scenes for the picture before being told she was on the wrong set.

Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Streep makes a play for her 27th career Oscar, in the hope of smelting them into a throne that she can sit on while feeling superior to every other actress, in this film about the Devil and his love of trendy handbags.

Kate Winslet, Little Children
Winslet's character discovers that every child on the planet has disappeared overnight. Where did they all go? It makes no sense! The race is on to find all the children in time for Christmas in this sexy triple-X time travel drama. (I need to get ahold of Winslet's people too.)

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...

A tie! Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz's wet, round, bouncy breasts win for their towering performances in Sexy Breast-Time Sex, a triple-X time travel drama.

Seriously, why can't I find any of these people in the phone book? This script is actually burning my hands a little, it's so goddamn hot.