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6 Movie Formulas That Must Be Stopped
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#3.
Brilliant Musician Rises, Falls and Finds Redemption
Who's Doing It Next: Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez bring us El Cantante, even though we didn't ask for it, don't know who it's about and won't see it. Evidently, it's about the man who brought salsa music to America. We'll remember that when we're watching absolutely anything else we can find. Who Did It Best: We're waiting for Judd Apatow's biopic send-off Walk Hard starring John C. Reilly, due out later this year. Paul Rudd plays John Lennon. Jack Black plays Paul McCartney. We're not too worried about any of the other details of this film.
Why It Needs To Stop: Ambitious star makes big, finds coke, hits rock bottom, climbs back to the top. Is there one musician who didn't follow this format? There's got to be at least one. Let's make that movie and break up the monotony a little bit. #2.
Father Is Wronged by Gang; Kills Entire Planet
Who's Doing It Next: Before the summer ends, look for Kevin Bacon in Death Sentence, the story of a man who loses his son to a murderous gang and spends the remaining 85 minutes of the movie murdering every single gang member, reminding us that enough wrongs will eventually make a right. Spoiler Alert: John Goodman is in this movie. As a matter of fact, he's the underground crime boss, so you have to figure that this entire film is just leading up to a riveting final fight scene that pits Kevin Bacon against John Goodman. That is the exciting conclusion. Footloose vs. Roseanne. No matter who wins, we all lose. Hopefully we've saved you some time and money.
Who Did It Worst: Surprisingly enough, Death Wish III. Bronson is pretty deep into his 60s and clearly can't even remember why he started murdering nameless carjackers to begin with. Sure, there's an assload of chasing and bloodshed, but his heart's just not in it anymore. Why It Needs To Stop: Two weeks after Death Sentence disappoints you at the box office, Jodie Foster comes out with The Brave One, the story of a woman who-you guessed it-sets out on a revenge-focused murder buffet after her husband is killed. Two movies. Two weeks. One plot. Oh, except this time it's a woman. So it's different. #1.
Put Robin Williams in a Comedy, Sit Back and Let Him Work His Magic
Who's Doing It Next: Old Dogs, starring Robin Williams and John Travolta, presumably as the titular "old dogs" who find themselves taking care of twin seven-year-olds, probably having to learn some "new tricks" along the way. We can only hope that the seven-year-olds are played by the Wayans brothers, leading to whacky hi-jinks that amuse the audience until a violent gang murders the children, sending Williams and Travolta on a murderous rampage. With Williams being a real-life coke addicted parody of himself, we're pretty sure Old Dogs would have all of the bases covered. Who Did It Best: Death to Smoochy. The rest of the ensemble more than makes up for Williams' unsettling hamming. Also, Williams has never been more at home than with the role of a pathetic, washed-up actor that everyone pities.
Why It Needs To Stop: We're at a total loss for the best Robin Williams comedy. Mrs. Doubtfire maybe? He threw a piece of fruit at Pierce Brosnan in that one. That's gotta stand for something, right? Aladdin gets points because we don't ever actually have to see Williams once, though the same five or six impressions he's been doing his entire career are everywhere. Without a standout winner, it is reasonable to conclude, then, that this formula has never once worked, which is astounding considering it's been used for close to 30 years and shows no signs of stopping.
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Who Did It Worst:
Who Did It Best:
Who Did It Worst:
i love robin williams... and patch adams... lol.
I would watch a movie where "Superman" and Luke Skywalker massacred children, especially if the latter were psychic. Adults could try to stop them with Kryptonite and Sith powers. Do it, Hollywood: The script almost writes itself!
yikes! that wound up being 20 times longer than i meant it to be. ><
I think we need to take the Robbin williams thing a step further and ban stars (formerly known for their drug abuse and controversial subject matter/inappropriate behavior) from turning into lame unfunny slapsticky shallow father figures for an endless stream of poorly written family films (which they tortuously force upon the public for the next decade or more till the kids grow up). I understand the desire to make some movies your kids can watch without being horribly warped, but do ALL of your projects for the forseeable future have to suck? Cant you alternate a fluff pick with something your fans might enjoy(something your're actually good at).
What makes patch adams (and pretty much everything else between good morning vietnam and death to smoochy) so universally revolting is the stark contrast from his earlier cocaine fueled antics(spastic deluges of silly, crude, inappropriate jokes, and impressions that would suddenly break into inexplicably climbing up to balconies or who knows what new bout of weirdness.) Anyone who remembers what he was like (before disney neutered him in aladdin) can't help but feel he's become RobbinWilliams Lite; watered down and sanitized to the point of sheer annoying innanity.
While williams is a particularly obnoxious example he's by no means the only actor guilty of this. How many people watched Dr. Doolittle and Shrek and (even if you enjoyed it) didn't think back to the "Raw" days or even the axle foley days with some amount of nostalgia? Does anyone who liked Ice Cube back in the NWA, Boyz in da Hood, Friday period of his career not wanna puke a little when they see him in "are we there yet?" and "barbershop"? Does every successive "i have way too many kids" parenting movie starring Steve Martin make you wanna pelt him with copies of the jerk, dirty rotten scoundrels, and origial cast SNL episodes? When you go from New Jack City to being the voice for a talking guinea pig(or worse somehow wind up trapped in an old rich white guy's body making your use of slang rediculous and grossing out the young hottie with yer wrinkly old man boobs), everybody loses.
I think they all accidentally left their edge and or talent(or possibly just the abilty to tell good screenplays from trite crap) Back in their balls--and they should do us all a favor and ask their wives if they could please have their testicles back or at least borrow them for a while. I think it'd be the humane thing to do, save us from another terrible, unconvincing, train wreck of a picture...
i'm totally disappointed you guys left out "mad max" and the "crow 2: city of angels" from your "dads revenge" list. "mad max" being the best of all time and "crow 2" being the worst. 2ndly, in "man on fire", denzel wasn't her father.
Robin Williams + Good Morning Vietnam = worked
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ka_la_la_lira
I don't know, I liked Williams in Dreams May Come... if that's what the movie was called... whatever, they had an awesome afterlife concept.