Who's Doing It Next: Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez bring us El Cantante, even though we didn't ask for it, don't know who it's about and won't see it. Evidently, it's about the man who brought salsa music to America. We'll remember that when we're watching absolutely anything else we can find.
Who Did It Best: We're waiting for Judd Apatow's biopic send-off Walk Hard starring John C. Reilly, due out later this year. Paul Rudd plays John Lennon. Jack Black plays Paul McCartney. We're not too worried about any of the other details of this film.
Who Did It Worst: Ray. He played piano and did a whole lot of drugs. We get it. This movie would have been perfect if it hadn't been needlessly dragged out for almost three goddamn hours. Also, this movie has made it increasingly difficult to sell our script, Blind Fury 4: The Stevie Wonder Story.
Why It Needs To Stop: Ambitious star makes big, finds coke, hits rock bottom, climbs back to the top. Is there one musician who didn't follow this format? There's got to be at least one. Let's make that movie and break up the monotony a little bit.
Who's Doing It Next: Before the summer ends, look for Kevin Bacon in Death Sentence, the story of a man who loses his son to a murderous gang and spends the remaining 85 minutes of the movie murdering every single gang member, reminding us that enough wrongs will eventually make a right. Spoiler Alert: John Goodman is in this movie. As a matter of fact, he's the underground crime boss, so you have to figure that this entire film is just leading up to a riveting final fight scene that pits Kevin Bacon against John Goodman. That is the exciting conclusion. Footloose vs. Roseanne. No matter who wins, we all lose.
Hopefully we've saved you some time and money.
Who Did It Best: It was a tough call between Man on Fire and Death Wish, but we're giving it to the latter for it's slightly more totally insane approach. Sure, Denzel was undeniably badass and efficient with his killing spree, but he only brought justice to those who directly wronged him. Death Wish, however, has Charles Bronson killing the rapists who killed his wife, criminals who want to mug him and, finally, other jerks that just look like they some day might think about mugging someone. For blurring the line between vengeance and genocide, (venocide), Death Wish takes this one home.
Who Did It Worst: Surprisingly enough, Death Wish III. Bronson is pretty deep into his 60s and clearly can't even remember why he started murdering nameless carjackers to begin with. Sure, there's an assload of chasing and bloodshed, but his heart's just not in it anymore.
Why It Needs To Stop: Two weeks after Death Sentence disappoints you at the box office, Jodie Foster comes out with The Brave One, the story of a woman who-you guessed it-sets out on a revenge-focused murder buffet after her husband is killed. Two movies. Two weeks. One plot. Oh, except this time it's a woman. So it's different.
Who's Doing It Next: Old Dogs, starring Robin Williams and John Travolta, presumably as the titular "old dogs" who find themselves taking care of twin seven-year-olds, probably having to learn some "new tricks" along the way. We can only hope that the seven-year-olds are played by the Wayans brothers, leading to whacky hi-jinks that amuse the audience until a violent gang murders the children, sending Williams and Travolta on a murderous rampage. With Williams being a real-life coke addicted parody of himself, we're pretty sure Old Dogs would have all of the bases covered.
Who Did It Best: Death to Smoochy. The rest of the ensemble more than makes up for Williams' unsettling hamming. Also, Williams has never been more at home than with the role of a pathetic, washed-up actor that everyone pities.
Who Did It Worst: Our toughest call on this entire list. Here, there are just so many awful movies. Well, License to Wed is currently fizzling at your local theater. According to the previews, and the previews are as much of this movie as anyone we know will see, Williams screams and does bad impressions but, this time, wears a Priest costume. Beyond that, there's Flubber, and we don't want to forget Man of the Year or Patch 'Motherfucking' Adams. In the end, we feel pretty good about RV because it featured both Robin Williams and a car full of annoying kids.
Why It Needs To Stop: We're at a total loss for the best Robin Williams comedy. Mrs. Doubtfire maybe? He threw a piece of fruit at Pierce Brosnan in that one. That's gotta stand for something, right? Aladdin gets points because we don't ever actually have to see Williams once, though the same five or six impressions he's been doing his entire career are everywhere. Without a standout winner, it is reasonable to conclude, then, that this formula has never once worked, which is astounding considering it's been used for close to 30 years and shows no signs of stopping.