Sociologists recently revealed that 80% of first generation immigrants learn to speak English from watching TV. We here at CRACKED also learned everything we know with our asses planted firmly in front of the tube. And like a Mexican immigrant, arriving on the Texas side of the Rio Grande with dreams of non-custodial work dancing in his head, Hollywood left us with some unrealistic expecationss, too.
EXPECTATION as instilled by Full House: Saying the words, "It's time for bed Michelle!" will get the Olsen twins to let you take them to bed.
REALITY General rule of thumb: the smaller and richer the white girl, the bigger and meaner the black bodyguard.
EXPECTATION as instilled by Big: Wishing to be big will make you look like Tom Hanks.
REALITY In fact, the adult that you turn into looks more like a cross between a balding Ralph Macchio and John Turturro in Quiz Show.
Oh, and rather than taking ten seconds, it will take 13 years.
EXPECTATION instilled by Memento: Taking Polaroid snapshots of people and writing facts about them on the white border of the picture is a clever getting-to-know-you tactic that will help overcome lapses in short and long term memory.
REALITY People are sometimes put off if you take a Polaroid picture of them the first time you meet them. Also, when they see you write helpful reminders like, "THIS IS YOUR BOSS MIKE, HE IS THE GIVER AND TAKER OF LIFE IN YOUR UNIVERSE. IF HE LOWERS HIS GUARD FOR A MOMENT, KILL HIM" and "THIS IS JANICE, JANICE IS FAT. THAT SHOULD BE PERFECTLY OBVIOUS FROM THIS PICTURE. SHE IS ESPECIALLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO INCAPACITATING KICKS TO THE MIDSECTION," while possibly true, may rub others the wrong way. Much better to go with another lesson taught by Memento and tattoo things that you need to remember onto your torso.
EXPECTATION: as instilled by Say Anything: If you stand outside of your ex-girlfriend's window in a trench coat and hold a boom box over your head blasting Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes', she will take you back.
REALITY She'll probably just close the blinds, or worse, call the cops. Try instead leaving her a mix tape featuring 'In Your Eyes' played 27 times in a row. If you really want to impress her, play it backwards every other time. There's some great stuff about The Beast in there if you listen closely.
EXPECTATION: as instilled by Die Hard: A cool line like "Yippee kay-yay, mutherfucker" will spring to your lips upon killing someone.
REALITY More likely, something along the lines of, "Dear God what have I done? Oh no, all that blood, please Lord make it stop," will come to mind.
Instead, try tattooing "Yippee kay-yay, mutherfucker" backwards across your chest to remind you of what to say.