Patrick Swayze IS Jed Eckert, some dumbass in a pickup truck. When Jed's small Midwestern town is invaded by the combined forces of the Cuban and Russian armies, it's up to Jed to lead a small group of teenagers up into the mountains to hide like little bitches. When the commies decide to kill the families of all those little bitches, though, they awake a sleeping midget. We mean that figuratively, by the way. What we mean literally is that Jed and his band of teenagers turn to guerrilla warfare as their only recourse against the mighty communist alliance that holds their town in an unnecessarily iron fist. Who wouldn't?
Now, Can You Maybe Understand the Plight of the Brave Afghani Freedom Fighters?
They gave us one hell of a political allegory, a "What if it happened to you?" case that drops the 80's Soviet's invasion of Afghanistan right smack in the center of the American Midwest. Where Afghanistan had the Mujahideen insurgents to fight off the reds, America has a high-school football team called the Wolverines. If you can't identify with these kids at least a little bit, then you probably kick bald eagles and use Old Glory to wipe the borscht from your chin.
Man, insurgents are so fucking cool.
"In time, this war, like every other war, ended. But I never forgot. And, I come to this place often, when no one else does. 'In the early days of World War III, guerrillas, mostly children, placed the names of their lost upon this rock. They fought here alone and gave up their lives so that this nation shall not perish from the earth.'"-Erica (A young Lea Thompson)
Your handgun is not going to save your ass. At least in the sense that your "They can have my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers" bumper sticker ...
... is just going to make you look stupid when the Russians parachute out of the sky with AK-47s, mow you down and actually do pry your gun from your cold, dead fingers.
Yeah, but Do They Still Blow Some Shit Up?
Yeah, they do that. Within the first few minutes, they fire a rocket launcher into a fucking high school. The rest of the movie is pretty much an escalating chain of rockets, bombs and grenades. Lots of gunfire, too, and a hell of a lot more blood than you'd expect from a movie with a PG rating.
Die Hard 2
Bruce Willis IS John McClane, a badass cop with a history of killing terrorists by the truckload. And, when a disgraced Army Colonel takes the entirety of Dulles International Airport hostage to free a notorious Central American dictator/drug smuggler, McClane starts killing some motherfuckers. Then, he kills some more motherfuckers. And then, for a nice change of pace, he finishes it off by killing even more motherfuckers.
Oliver North Can Go Fuck Himself, And Manuel Noriega Can Sit And Fucking Watch.
They've got a real ripped-from-the-headlines thing going on here, or maybe more like ripped-from-the-headlines-then-severely-beaten-and-killed. Still, wouldn't it have been kick-ass if Ollie North (here represented by Col. Stuart, "the guy that got canned by Congress") had started up a rogue mercenary group after he was kicked out of the military, or if Noriega (represented by Gen. Ramon Esperanza, dictator of the extremely non-existant Republic of Valverde) did single-handedly hijack the plane that brought him to America for extradition? Wouldn't the news fucking rock if shit like that happened in the real world?
"Hey, Colonel, blow me. How much drug money is Esperanza paying you to turn traitor?"
"I think Cardinal Richelieu said it best. 'Treason is merely a matter of dates.' This country's got to learn that it can't keep cutting the legs off of men like Gen. Esperanza, men who have the guts to stand up against Communist aggression."
"And lesson one starts with killing policemen? What's lesson two, the neutron bomb?"
"No, I think we can find something in between."-John McClane and Oliver North
Reporters are a bunch of dicks.
...But one good zap with a stun gun can take care of that problem.
Yeah, But Do They Still Blow Some Shit Up?
Yeah, you could say that, what with this being Die Hard Fucking 2, the second-greatest Die Hard movie ever! Yes, a few objects do indeed explode, from three separate jet airplanes to a goddamn snowmobile.
There's also the usual kick-ass gunfights with plenty of machine guns and, strangely enough, some kung fu fighting, including a fight between Bruce Willis and Oliver North on the wing of a moving jet. Seriously.