13 Movie Plots Rendered Ridiculous by Their Stars
During a chat with his fans on Monday, ESPN sportswriter Bill Simmons wrote, "Somebody needs to make a list of the 'Top 20 movie plots that have now become ridiculous because of what happened to the actor involved in that plot.' I nominate Cracked.com, I enjoy that site."
Never one to turn down a challenge (or an opportunity to write a modular pop-culture countdown), and since it is a pretty good idea for an article, we decided to proudly pick up Mr. Simmons' gauntlet.
We only did 13, though. (We had 20 originally, but a lot of them involved suicides, and it was sort of depressing. So we cut them.)
#13
THE PARENT TRAP
Plot: Lindsay Lohan plays identical twins separated at birth due to their parents' divorce. When the Lindsays meet by sheer fucking Hollywood coincidence at summer camp, they devise a sickeningly cute plan to reunite their parents by switching places. Yay for fun!
Subsequent Development: Lindsay Lohan became a buhgina-flashing, coke-hoovering, Paris Hilton befriending wreck who'd spread her shit for everyone from Girls Gone Wild mogul Joe Francis to Benicio Del Toro. At that point, you should really just go to the zoo and let a gorilla drill you in the ass and save time.
Why It Ruins the Movie: Unless Lohan has been slutting and snorting her way across the globe as part of a clever plan to fake her way into rehab, hoping her estranged parents would reunite by her bedside at Promises, her recent behavior makes it tough to buy her as a bright-eyed adolescent. It's probably a good thing that the above scenario is highly unlikely, considering mother Dina is just as big a club-whore as her 20-year-old daughter and father Michael has spent more time in prison than with his kids. That brings us to an important question: Can you put a 20-year-old in foster care?
#12
FIRST DAUGHTER
Plot: The president's daughter (Katie Holmes) ditches her security detail and goes off to a California college to lead a normal life. But it turns out her new beau has a secret: He's really a secret service agent sworn to protect her! Oh my goodness!
Subsequent Development: Just a year after this movie's release, and under rather murky circumstances, Katie Holmes was impregnated by, and subsequently betrothed to, one Mr. Tom Cruise.
Why It Ruins the Movie: It's kind of hard to watch Katie Holmes portraying a character who's fighting for her independence from a life of round-the-clock surveillance knowing a mysterious cabal would soon select her as the fertile breeding ground for high-level thetans. "Kate" now has a higher security detail than the last 20 presidents combined, and Tom Cruise regularly combs through her stool for traces of psychiatric residue while trained Scientologist hitmen keep a bead on her with automatic rifles.
#11
MR. WRONG
Plot: Martha Alston (Ellen DeGeneres) just can't seem to find the right guy. When Whitman Crawford (Bill Pullman) shows up, everyone else seems to think he's Mr. Right, but Ellen sees a dark side that none of her friends recognize. Hilarity ensues as Ellen fights off the sexual advances of a man who' a kleptomaniac, a mickey-slipping psychotic, and-worse yet-Bill Pullman.
Subsequent Development: It turns out that for Ellen, every guy is Mr. Wrong.
Why It Ruins the Movie: The premise hinges on everyone else thinking Ellen's husband is the perfect catch, causing the friends to come off as painfully devoid of gaydar and making Ellen look like an even more uncomfortable leading lady than Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut. What should be a sugary-sweet comedy becomes a twisted psychological tale of a woman imagining that her boyfriend is a total dick merely because he has one.
#10
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN
Plot: D-Day. A squad of soldiers walk through wave after wave of Nazi bullets, at considerable sacrifice, to find the last surviving Ryan brother and return him home safely, on account of his perfect facial features and flawless golden skin. Sergeant Horvath (Tom Sizemore) is the battalion's husky, businesslike second-in-command who collects soil from various battlegrounds and, presumably, eats it later for a snack.
Subsequent Development: Sizemore has committed more than his fair share of major social blunders since Ryan, including a 2003 conviction for beating the living shit out of Hollywood whore queen Heidi Fleiss; multiple arrests for his crippling addiction to meth; and, of course, an underground porno he directed, produced, and starred in, during which he decided the pinnacle of sexy porno acts would be to squeeze into a spandex bodysuit and toss a football around with half-nude hookers.
Why It Ruins the Movie: Since Saving Private Ryan's release, Sizemore has proved to be the exact opposite of a selfless, disciplined patriot. In contrast, he's proved to be...well, a guy who does a bunch of meth and enjoys a hooker or two. It's pretty tough to picture him doing his duty during WWII when you can see it in his eyes in every frame of film that he'd rather be high-tailing it to Montreal to split a bag of heroin with five homeless women in the bathroom of an adult magazine warehouse.
#9
THE STRAIGHT STORY
Plot: Richard Farnsworth plays Alvin Straight in David Lynch's only intelligible film to date (there isn't a dwarf riding a purple unicorn in sight). An elderly man finds out his brother is seriously ill and drives his tractor thousands of miles to make amends with him. He and his tractor are pretty tight, so they don't even haggle over the gas.
Subsequent Development: After being diagnosed with terminal cancer, Richard Farnsworth shot himself a little less than a year after his Oscar-nominated performance for the movie.
Why It Ruins the Movie: You really can't feel all warm and fuzzy when Alvin finally reaches his brother, wondering if he only drove all this way because he couldn't remember where he left his .22. Plus, Farnsworth ruined Misery for us too, as watching his lovable ol' coot sheriff character getting shot in the back by Kathy Bates is now "That's just in poor taste," instead of "Ha ha! Fatty took the dumb sheriff out!"
#8
PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE
Plot: Innocent manchild Pee-Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) searches for his stolen bike while simultaneously bringing joy to whomever he meets on a fantastic lesson-learning cross-country adventure.
Subsequent Development: Florida police became intimately acquainted with Reuben's little Pee-Wee when he was caught not-so-innocently playing with it in a porno theater. Afterwards, his house was raided for 15 metric tons of child pornography, which he claimed was art. Because, you know, it was all black and white and stuff.
Why It Ruins the Movie: Did you see that mugshot? This is supposed to be the lovable, mildly retarded manchild in a bowtie who used to talk it up with Jambi every Saturday morning, not a pervert in a raincoat publicly masturbating in a Toys "R" Us.
I thing Margo Kidder was better in Black Christmas anyways.
Reply#2 - Focuses on the wrong crock: "Tara Reid as an innocent virgin" isn't half as ludicrous as "Tara Reid getting into Cornell".
Replyyeeeeah.. not sure what version of bronx tale the author saw, but C's friends didn;t try to kill him- they didn't even know he was dating a black girl. they died trying to firebomb black-owned stores, when sonny pulled up on them and made c get out of the car. the friends proceeded after c was gone, but when a kid inside the store they were bombing picked up the molotov cocktail they'd thrown through the window and threw it back into the car, they got themselves blown up. not... not sure where you got your summary of that movie from. at all.
Replyapparently, cracked won't let me edit, so please excuse any and all typos.
I understand Mr. Sizemore had a terrible past. And I understand this was written in 2007. But he had an addiction problem that has since done a fantastic job on cleaning up. He volunteers at homeless shelters and eschews media attention now. If you think his story is different from a lot of veterans that still risked their lives for their country, you'd be mistaken. So, being an alcoholic or having an addiction actually makes him MORE believable.
Reply"On September 11, 2001, some members of the Afghani Mujahideen (currently known as the the Taliban) sort of attacked the United States"
ReplyHoly s**t guys... the Taliban had nothing to do with it. The Taliban simply terrorised their own people, destroyed Buddhist statues, etc. Al-Qaeda is who attacked the US. Goddam... do some f****n research next time.
Al-Qaeda, which was based in Afghanistan, and supported by the Taliban. Geez, didn't you get the memo?
The Naked Gun movies were hurt after OJ got into the trouble he got into. But Leslie Nielsen "was" such a genius (RIP LN) they still hold up as great movies with a few awkward scenes in them.
ReplyThis article should really be entitled '13 Ways the Author Cannot Distinguish Fantasy From Reality'.
ReplyHas Jurassic Park been ruined by scientists' unwillingness to clone dinosaurs?
GODDAMMIT YES IT HAS.
"Unwillingness"? Even the most ideally preserved DNA survives for only ~100,000 years, tops. They couldn't clone a dinosaur if they wanted to.
(On the other hand, they have sequenced the entire mammoth genome by now, and although I have no idea if cloning them is even plausible, I'm pretty tired of NOT riding around on my own personal mammoth...Just saying.)
I disagree with the Christopher Reeves portion, he was a very inspirational figure even after his accident. Honestly, watching the Superman movie after knowing what happened to Christopher Reeve was a good experience because Reeve was much braver than the Superman he portrayed.
Replyso you're saying that sylvester stallone was responsible for 911?
ReplyI Think "Confessions of a teenage drama queen" is a way better example for Lohan's case. In the film, Lohan plays a girl whose dream is to become a famous actress, has a dream sequence involving her dressing as Marilyn Monroe, and is chosen for the main role of her high school play, instead of the other girl auditioning: Megan Fox.
ReplyOn top of that, Lohan is a fan of the lead of a fictitious rock band who is a douchebag and an alcoholic in real life. When she meets him later on the movie, she is so disappointed by his behavior that she stops being a fan, and somehow manages to help him to get out of his addiction.
It doesn't really ruin the movie for me, but it's kinda hard not to laugh awkwardly at the scene where Lohan says to the rocker guy that he is not as cool as he thinks he is, because in the end he is only an alcoholic.
"On September 11, 2001, some members of the Afghani Mujahideen (currently known as the the Taliban) sort of attacked the United States in an extremely bad and unforgettable way."
Replylol .. no they didn't. Why is it that USians have absolutely no idea at all about anything factual about 911. It's all cartoon movie bad guy and evil muslim stuff .. any muslim will do .. which miserable poverty stricken nation are we pulverising right now? .. yeh .. they were responsible for 911.
There's even some bullshit going on right now designed to get everyone to swear all along Iran was involved. (because we need to hate Iran in time for the next set of war crimes).
Yeah dude, you need to stop using 'USian' if you want us to take you seriously.
While you do have a point, (the 9/11 attacks were, in fact, perpetrated by al-Qaeda, although the Taliban would later go on to harbor the leaders of al-Qaeda within Afghanistan) it is very difficult to consider your arguement legitimate when you use terms like "USians".
just like to point out, OJ is in jail right now for kidnapping and robbery. He is not playing golf.
ReplyJust like to point out, this article was written July 14, 2007.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Just ask OJ.
the passions of christ can not be anti-Semitic since that is exactly how the crusifixion of christ took place and for dra1147 who said that its fiction your are actually horribly wrong. jesus christ was a historically varifible person who lived in israel claimed to be the son of god and was crusified this is a historical fact
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesnot only was he widely known of in israel but many historians had recorded of his existence
Ahhh, no...I have seen the comment that you are responding to, and it's pretty childish, but unless you are willing to give proper, peer-reviewed and verifiable academic references, you are the one horribly wrong.
Lack of references does not make one "horribly wrong", simply unverified. Just because you don't provide a reference section along with your humor-based internet site comments does not make them all untrue. By that logic, I have never read a true statement on a comment board, ever.
Jesus may have been a real person, but the biblical accounts of his crucifixion constitute anti-Semitic blood libel which is not only unsubstantiated, but absurd. It flies in the face of what we know about the Roman occupation of Judaea. A Roman prefect, intimidated by his Jewish subjects into killing a man he believed to be innocent? Please. People shouting, "His blood be on us and on our children"? Nobody does that.
Regarding The Passion of the Christ. Despite Gibson's own antisemitism, it should be understood that the Jews could not have killed Christ if He hadn't allowed it. He died foe our sins by choice.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesBrave comment, I respect thee for it
well its fiction so who cares
maybe im reading a different version, but from what i read, jesus didnt die by "choice", he was turned in to the authorities by a friend and was apprehended and subsequently executed as a political prisoner. and then he came back to life to live in paradise as a king. quite a sacrifice!
scottydu81 - If you believe any of the gospel, then you should realize that he did in fact allow himself to be crucified. He said beforehand that he would be betrayed by one of his disciples, that he would be crucified, etc. - if he wanted to, he could have quite easily just fled and not had to go through all of that. The story of salvation through Christ sort of hinges on the idea that he chose to sacrifice his own body. Dray1147, how insightful and brave of you to insult people for their faith on the internet. You are way too intelligent and insightful for a discussion of Christian theology and Biblical era history, I can tell because of your brilliant and spot-on wisecrack. Also impressive is your inability to form a sentence. Your parents and teachers must be proud of the bold, articulate person you have become.
I agree with MyDadLooksLikeMelGIbson, but I also have to point out that Gibson's views might have colored the depiction of the Biblical narrative. It is hard to say. I believe the fear at the time was that the film, borrowing its own name from the passion plays of the middle ages that incited pogroms against the jews, would cause antisemitic backlash.
Oh and to get_awesome: fine wit, fine wit.
You can tell anti-semitism by the people who don't at all acknowledge that the romans had to go along with it. Actually, that's a generalization but for something like the passion, it speaks volumes. Your average person may not think about it but you'd hope people making a multi million $$ film would realize the jews may have betrayed Jesus but the Romans were the ones with the authority and every reason to kill him. If you rule a land and have someone running around claiming to be god incarnate, are you going to allow him to continue espousing this, since it flies in the face of your rule, at very least by saying your religion is wrong, at most saying you have no authority over them but only this *son of god* does?
Edit: I too respect you for standing up for your religion and convictions
I figured it was the Romans.
PEEWEEE!!!!!!!!
ReplyNumber seven is bullsh**. RIP for Reeves.
Replyagreed. It's a MOVIE about a comic book character. How does anything done by the actor decades after the movie ended change the story of SUPERMAN? Is he suddenly no longer a superhero from another planet because Chris Reeve was paralyzed? I don't think so. This theory also means that when the actors who play Batman, Spiderman, Iron man, etc die, their movies will be stupid because they were in fact human beings with no special powers. Christopher Reeve was an amazing actor who did a fantastic job as Superman, and Margot Kidder suffers from a legitimate medical condition for which she is getting treatment.
superranch i agree that the theory is absurd but i disagree about reeves being a good actor he infact was a horrible actor
The cop killing one made my holiday a little brighter. I consider them less than dirt or shit.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesCops certainly can be dicks, but they have a job to do. If you hate cops so much, i have to (given the LAWS OF TEH INNERNETZ!!!!) assume you are a criminal, which makes you less than dirt or s**t to almost everybody.
Trust me, Nemeses, you are really edgy and cool for wishing death on other human beings. Being a f*****g sociopath with the morality and perspective of a 13-year-old who just discovered Marilyn Manson is in this season.
Dude seriously. Who do you call when someone breaks into your house? Or are you the type of person who says f**k you while pulling out your nine mil? I don't like cops very much but they're just doing their job. Would you like it if someone came shooting at you while you sold your crack on the corner?
Reubens' child porn charges were dropped, and he isn't the first/last man to masturbate in a porno theater. Misery's script called for Farnsworth's character to be shot and killed. Why blame him?
ReplyJust because the charges against Reuben were dropped doesn't mean he isn't a pedophile with a house full of kiddy porn. They found 15 TONS of naked pictures of children. OJ Simpson was found not guilty. Does that mean he is innocent too? Grow up, Pee-Wee is a pedo.
@superranch
15 TONS? Capitalizing 'tons' the way you do, and using a very specific number, it seems you're literally talking about 15 tons, as in 13,000 kgs or 30,000 pounds of naked pictures of children. That's like about 80,000 magazines.
Ok, fine. You were using hyperbole. But then just say a ton, or a lot of... just don't imply that you know more than you do.
Anyway, charges are dropped. Reuben still may be a perv... slim chance of him being falsely accused. But let's not come to our own conclusions here.
I believe it was Al-Qaeda, and not the Taliban who commited the September 11 attrocities, was it not? The Taliban isn't synonymous with Al-Qaeda, that'd be like saying the Aryan Brotherhood is synonymous with USA. But it is a good point: The Americans supported the Afghans illigitimately in reality (Including Usama Bin Laden) and then some of the very groups they armed illegally attacked them.
ReplyWhat isn't an illegal attack, I mean war is war there are rules (Geneva) but its only morals that really hold those rules...just sayin bro
The Taliban was actually very closely related to al-Qaeda. The Taliban funded many of bin Laden's activities and vice versa.
Oh Pee-Wee! I heard about the Porn theater thing, but not the child porn. Childhood ruined.
ReplyLook it up, it's not that black and white. It was just part of a larger collection of old erotica, he never asked for younger nudes, it seriously was just an art collection.