Here are eleven of the worst-best horrible wonderful retarded awesome movies ever made, what makes them bad, what makes them good and why you ought to watch them.
WHY IT'S BADThis is one Peter Jackson's early films, back before he began winning Oscars for The Lord of the Rings and being the size of an elephant. Believe it or not, Jackson used to make schlocky zombie films (as well as unwatchable puppet movies like Meet the Feebles) instead of epics about little hairy-footed people and CGI-fests about giant apes. Actually, come to think of it, maybe it's not all that hard to believe. Still, this movie is about a thousandth of the budget of Jackson's later films, and it shows.
WHY IT'S GOODThis zombie movie is schlocky in the best sense of the word. There's so much blood and gore that it's beyond ridiculous, to the point of being laugh-out-loud funny. At no point does Dead Alive take itself too seriously, particularly when the best character of all time, Father McGruder, is introduced and says the following:
WHY YOU NEED TO SEE ITJust to behold the greatness and awfulness of Peter Jackson before studios started puking money at him.
ALSO CHECK OUT...Bad Taste, Jackson's very first movie, a gross-out extravaganza about aliens. Featuring a young, thin Jackson himself as a guy who loses the back of his skull.
WHY IT'S BADLet me count the ways. Not only is it the third sequel to a film that didn't need any sequels to begin with, it also happens to feature exactly zero chainsaw deaths. Keep in mind that the film is titled Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. No chainsaw deaths. Add to that the fact that the only ostensible plot twist is all but given away on the DVD cover (Spoiler Alert! Matthew McConaughey is crazy!) and that for some inexplicable reason Leatherface has decided to become a transvestite, and you've got one hell of a stinker.
WHY IT'S GOODIt stars Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey as Scared High School Girl and Crazy Tow Truck Man, respectively. Not only that, but these two very young, desperate soon-to-be-stars are just trying their damndest to put something of value into this movie. The result? Some glorious overacting by everyone in the cast, especially one scene where Crazy Tow Truck Man gaudily howls after Scared High School Girl as if he were confused for a moment and thought he was in a werewolf movie.
WHY YOU NEED TO SEE ITTo see two now A-listers slumming it in their early careers in what must still serve as a face-reddening embarrassment every time it comes up in conversation.
ALSO CHECK OUT...Leprechaun, which most assuredly still makes Jennifer Aniston have night terrors.
WHY IT'S BADBecause, as a parody, it fails completely. Made at the tail end of Leslie Nielsen's period of actually making decently funny movies, Repossessed was the beginning of his descent into being involved with embarrassing garbage like 2001: A Space Travesty, with its idea of humor being a priest training for an exorcism by boxing a fast bag and exorcising the devil with rock and roll. That's not funny, it's just...kinda dumb. And including Linda Blair as the possessed housewife (essentially reprising her character from The Exorcist) is not cute or clever -- it's simply a reminder that this movie is a failed parody of a movie that was actually good.
WHY IT'S GOODBecause, despite the fact that it completely falls flat in terms of being intentionally funny, it still succeeds in being unintentionally funny. Leslie Nielsen's mugging performance is so awful that it's actually kind of endearing, and the possession special effects are actually laughably worse than they were 17 years earlier. Linda Blair's attempts a humor are sort of cringingly entertaining as well, and the inclusion of a character who's a stereotype of a stereotype (Ned Beatty's televangelist) is some kind of weird meta-funny.
WHY YOU NEED TO SEE ITBecause this movie taught me what an aglet is -- they're the plastic things on the ends of shoelaces. (Linda Blair's character is named Nancy Aglet.)
WHY IT'S BADBecause it basically all takes place in a warehouse basement, for one thing. Also, there's a scene where some punks go to a graveyard and dance that makes me embarrassed not only for the punks, but for any dead people that they may be dancing on. The punks, also, are the most stereotypical teenagers you can imagine, in the worst possible way. Also, the explanation for the zombies' existence (chemical spill causes rain that raises the dead) defies the zombie movie convention of just having no explanation (there's a reason for that -- the explanations, like this one, are usually incredibly stupid).
WHY IT'S GOODIt has the coolest zombies ever. Forget 28 Days Later, this was the original fast-zombie movie. Not only that, they talk. In fact, to my knowledge, this is the only zombie movie that actually features the zombies saying "Braaaaaains!" which may make it worth seeing in itself. Also, there's a scene in which, after the zombies have killed and eaten a group of paramedics, a zombie grabs the CB radio in the ambulance and insists that the dispatcher "Send...more...paramedics!"
WHY YOU NEED TO SEE ITBraaaaaaaaains!
ALSO CHECK OUT...Return of the Living Dead 3, the greatest zombie love story ever told.