10. Deliverance River Rafting Adventure Ã¢â‚¬" Join "Inbred Banjo Boy" as he leads you into uncharted territories of the Cahulawassee River! Learn to unleash your survival instincts as you plunge yourself into unstable waters in a canoe, battle nature' harshest weather and slaughter deer with your bare hands! Beware of the local folks, though! (We advise that you bring with yourself a poncho, survival kits and hunting rifles, and be sure to tape up your virgin ass.)
9. A Clockwork Orange Moloko Bar For Kids Ã¢â‚¬" Are your kids driving you nuts?! Do you want to get rid of them for a while so you can enjoy yourselves without constantly looking over them? Fear not! The Moloko Bar is a great way to do just that! Kids are watched by bouncers in white spandex at all times, so you don't need to worry about them getting into fights. Also, kids are able to enjoy a milk-based hallucinogen including vellocet, synthemesc and drencron. This will sharpen them up for a bit of the old ultra-nap in minutes! Right, right.
8. Raging Bull Rapids — Get soaked in one of the most original raging rapid rides ever! Try to steer your boat clear of jabs, hooks and uppercuts using the clinch, cover and slip! Beware of people trying to fuck your wife, fuck your wife! And make sure you don't look at Vicki or you just might get whacked!
7. The Texas Chainsaw Cannibal Cook-off— After a hard day of amusement, settle in at the Texas Chainsaw Cannibal Cookoff. Located in the "Happy Land" area of the park, Chef Leatherface has cooked up something special for the entire family-his family that is-and it' your torso!
6. Cool Hand Luke' Bush Bathroom Ã¢â‚¬" Due to health concerns about port-a-potties in amusement parks, this new and improved toilet was conceived straight from Paul Newman' hit film, Cool Hand Luke! No longer will you have to sit in a smelly plastic box with shit smeared all over the toilet seat! Now you can take a dump in any bush in the park! Just make sure you shake the bush so people know it' occupied.
5. Paths of Glory Shooting Range — Great fun for all ages! Shoot innocent French soldiers just like in Stanley Kubrick' heartwarming family film, Paths of Glory! Make sure you pinch their cheeks if they aren't conscious!
4. Fredo Corleone' Ferry Ride — Get a whole tour of the park with this wonderful ferry ride that was engineered by park managers to keep the park' population at a reasonable level. Get into the ferry, travel down Magic Whimsical River and then…wait…we're not sure what happens next, but we know it' got to be fun, at least that' what Michael told us. Free tickets available for a limited time only, so act now. It' an offer you simply cannot refuse! (Note: only one person allowed on each Ferry)
3. David Lynch Presents: Frank' Fantastic Joyride Ã¢â‚¬" From the mind of David Lynch comes the largest roller coaster in the world! First get harassed by Dennis Hopper, then stop over at Ben' place, drink some beer and listen to Roy Orbison' "In Dreams." Feel like a child all over again, and, more importantly, feel Frank' sexy muscles!
2. Dr. Strangelove' Doomsday Drop! — By far the best theme park ride ever! First get a tour of the War Room (no fighting allowed), then enter Burpelson Air Force Base, take a tour of the grounds and BLAST OFF in a B-52! Then get dropped over Russia as you fall 50,000 feet straight down on a real nuclear bomb! It' a yippy, yahooing good time!
1. Schindler' List: The Ride — He' terrorized Universal Studios guests with chomping dinosaurs, awed us with flying DeLoreans and touched our hearts with lonely aliens. Now, Steven Spielberg is back with his newest ride based on his 1993 film Schindler' List! Not only is this a ride, but an entire environmental experience! Thrill as you are beaten by Nazis! Scream as you're forced to endure atrocities that are the farthest possible thing from entertaining! Feel awkward as you feel obligated to say how "deep" the ride was when it was, in fact, a tasteless exploitation of guilt!