Idol Showdown: What To Worship This Easter

Threester Quiz: Find the God for You

Still unsure which celebration is right for you? Respond to the common, everyday scenarios below and total up your score to determine your true Easter God!

1. Your idea of a perfect date involves:

A. Beer enemas and baying.
B. Rosary beads and praying.
C. Colored eggs and their laying.
D. Don't know.

2. You feel most comfortable:

A. Inside of other living things.
B. Never. Shame is the only road to salvation.
C. At home, curled up by the fire with a nice basket of eggs.
D. Don't know.

3. When you encounter a group of sheep, you:

A. Tear them limb from limb in sexual ecstasy.
B. Strip to your swaddling clothes and stage an impromptu nativity.
C. Comb through their fur looking for eggs.
D. Don't know.

4. Look around your room. You see mostly:

A. Green tapestries, ram horns, and the hearts of bested enemies.
B. Crosses, beads, and Jesuses of varying emaciation.
C. Places eggs could be hidden.
D. I'm homeless/blind.

5. You often find yourself saying:

A. "You know, these robes really chafe. Would you mind if I took mine off?"
B. "Not to sound mean, but you're all going to Hell. I'm just saying."
C. "I swear to Paz, I will smother you all with peeps if I do not find an egg in the next thirty seconds."
D. "I don't know."

Mostly A's: You are a pagan reveler. Your Easter is a conflagration of ancient Gods, night-streaking, and bodily fluids. Enjoy it while it lasts, because your brand of celebration isn't condoned anymore outside of tribal life or Spring Break block parties.

Mostly B's: Congratulations! On the off chance that your method of worship is right and true, you will be forever rewarded upon your death for a lifetime of humble sacrifice and subservience to Christ. If it's not, maybe Allah will let you tap the kegs.

Mostly C's: Look! There! Right there! Behind the rock! What's wrong with you? For the love of God, just grab it and shut up! Here, take a pixie stix. You know, I hear if you snort them, it's extra sugary. Go try; just leave me the hell alone.

Mostly D's: You are a heathen monster, undeserving of the space you befoul with your very presence, let alone an Easter celebration. Come back when you grow a pair.

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