The Spring holiday used to be simple enough: you'd dig the old druidic robes out of the closet, schlep down to the local ring of giant stones to watch a virgin get stabbed in the heart, and then head home for some celebratory brews and maybe a round of Halo 2 with the guys.
But, as usual, Jesus eventually came along and ruined everyone's good time. A few sermons and a crucifixion later, and your sacrifice is replaced with a resurrection, your slavering frenzy is replaced with seething guilt, and your robe is-well, actually, the robe's pretty much stayed the same. Somehow, an egg-laying rabbit also made the scene, presumably because the Son of God just can't hold a child's attention like a brightly-colored egg, plastic grass, or foil-wrapped chocolate currency. And if you're like thousands of Americans, you've been left to pick up the shattered pieces of what was once a simple fertility celebration/blood orgy.
Burning questions crowd your mind: To paint and hide eggs, or read bible verses? To pray as a family, or rip a goat to pieces with your bare hands? These profiles-and a short quiz on the next page-will hopefully provide the guidance you so desperately need as someone who's convictions are feeble enough to be influenced by a faceless board of website writers.
The Fertility Goddess
What It Celebrates: Eostara, a goddess so fertile, she once conceived a child after merely sharing lip gloss with a girlfriend who had given a guy head in the bathroom of a club the night before. Despite regularly downing handfuls of RU486, several attempted manual abortions, and double-fisting jaegermeister throughout the course of the pregnancy, she eventually gave birth to sextuplets who were themselves pregnant.
How You Celebrate: Eostara needs virgin blood, and lots of it. We don't know what she's going to do with it, but by God, if you want your corn to come in next season, you will tie a virgin to a rock and stab her with a goat's horn. But it's not all horror: there are orgies aplenty, not to mention the quiet, solemn dignity of running naked and frenzied through a field of wheat.
Symbols: Druids, henges of various makes, the equinox, statues of pregnant chicks, ale in big metal tankards, staff wielding, a True Neutral alignment.
Pros: A year of renewed vigor, good harvests, spiritual blah blah blah. Did I mention the orgies?
Cons: Brutal human sacrifices, stubborn grass stains, hard to tell when you're mounting a dude when everyone is drunk as hell and in identical robes.