How to Know What You're Getting for Christmas
Listen to What your Parents SayYou can pick up clues as to what you're getting by listening to things that your parents say. For instance, if your mom says, "I hope you like what I made you for Christmas," then it' probably not going to be anything you asked for. However, if she says, "Your father only hears what he wants to hear. I bet that bastard doesn't even know what you wanted for Christmas. Does he ever talk about me on his weekends with you?" then you're probably getting something from your wish list.
If your parents say, "Why do we need gifts? We have the greatest gift anyone could ask for: each other," then your family is poor. You're probably not getting much of anything. Speaking of which, it would really lighten the financial burden if you just ran away from home.
And if your parents say things like, "Let's go out for Chinese food instead of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ," then your parents are Jewish and you are not getting any Christmas presents. Not only do your people celebrate a different holiday (Hanukkah), your parents also don't like to spend money.
Observe the Shape of your PresentsOkay, so you found your parents' stash but the gifts are already wrapped. A lot of times, you can tell what the gift is just by looking at the shape of the present. For instance, if it' the size and shape of a baseball bat, and you asked for a baseball bat, then it' probably a baseball bat. Or if it' large and conical and the Christmas tree is missing, then your father probably got drunk and wrapped the Christmas tree again.
If your present is long, cylindrical and hollow, then you're probably just looking at a roll of wrapping paper and mistaking it for a present. In this case, you may be legally retarded. You should stop looking for your gifts because your parents are probably just going to wrap something that they find around the house. Remember the bottle of Pert Plus you liked so much last year? Expect more of the same.
Monitor the Sounds your Presents MakeShaking presents offers a great clue as to what' inside. If you shake your present and hear a meow, then it' probably the kitten that you asked for. If you shake your present and don't hear anything, then you shook the present too hard and your kitten is dead. Either that, or you're deaf. Or it's not a kitten. But odds are, you're holding a dead kitten.
Did Jesus ever tell any jokes? If he were really the "Son of God," you would think the New Testament would contain the funniest parables ever written.
ReplyOn the other hand, it is easy to tell that God has a sense of humor. He created the human race.
Open and then re wrap
Replyi used to take a knife very delicately across the scotch tape holding the wrapping paper all together, unwrap it until i could read enough of the box to know what it was, then fold the paper back exactly using the pre-folds and tape it along where the old tape was. i was a pro
ReplyAh, an oldie-but-goldie. I laughed.
ReplyThe cat is both alive and dead until we open the box.
Replyah. a physics joke. love it.
As another Cracked article has mentioned Black Friday (day after Thanksgiving) is not the busiest shopping day of the year. It IS however, the busiest day of the year for a particular group: plumbers. So yeah, make real sure you are stocked up on toilet paper.
ReplyAll I ever get for Christmas is someone dear telling me how hard it is to shop for me because. Well, it´s the thought that counts. Really. But I could do without the insult and the lack of imagination.
ReplyHaha, right below the shaking the kitty, is a "Bad Idea" ad.
ReplyOverall, not bad. Pretty good, I'd say.
if i had a 5 year old brother or sister (i f*****g hate little kids) i would show them this article, and then since my family encourages their kids to believe in santa, it would ruin their childhood.
Replyyour awful
Cute, if nothing else. Abrupt ending though.
ReplyThis has to be one of the DUMBEST articles I have ever read. None of the jokes in it were funny whatsoever.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThough I think your name tops all in the boring department.
by your name i guess you pasted this response in yes?
You may need to fire up the Flux Capacitor and repost your criticisms 6 years ago, if you expect the author to give a shit.
Hey, I'm Jewish! And, guess what? We get 8 days of presents, 8 days of school, 8 days of eating as much as we want as long as it's oily (seriously) and we get to play with fire. (or lighting candles. Same thing.) Ha.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesKind of trump the fact about ebing cheap too huh?
What? Was that even English?
Ebing cheap? That's actually pretty fun to say!
I'm disappointed. I thought a professional comedy site would've known anti-Semitic "jokes" went out in 2004.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWell, you replied 5 years too late. this was published in 2005. If you actually looked at the date, you would know that. Dumbass.
And you replied to that guy about a year too late, so it's doubtful he'll ever see your oh so witty insult. Then I again, I'm typing this a few weeks after your comment so I guess I'm just as bad.
....fuck
You should sue the author, though given his last name is Steinburg, I'm guessing he probably has some lawyers in the family.
(Considering nobody else played along with you, I think you might have been a little too subtle. :( Sorry guy.)
It took forever to unwrap my cardboard sword, but it was all worth it.
Replyhaha. very funny article, but the kitten part was hilarious.
ReplyBest early Article yet
ReplyHAHAHA
Reply1.it would help if you just ran away from home
2.odds are your holding a dead kitten
I always wondered why my parents bought me a dead kitten. Now I know I'm a kitty-murderer. Thanks Cracked....*sobs uncontrollably*
ReplyHumorous and concise. Cracked should keep writing long articles but add more short ones like this.
Replynice.
Reply