When Father's Day comes around, for most of us, that only means one thing... Another day spent pondering that all-too-common question: "Is Axl Rose my real dad?"
As front man for the notorious '80s band Guns N' Roses, Axl Rose has of course cemented his place in rock music history. And let's be blunt and talk odds here, he's most likely had sex with your mother on numerous occasions. And, knowing your mother, it was probably pretty good. Use the following checklist to determine whether there's any basis to your nagging fear that when Axl Rose sang "Sweet Child O' Mine," he was singing about you.
You have no rare blood diseases.
It doesn't take a geneticist to know that not having a rare blood disease is hereditary. And it turns out that Axl rose doesn't have any rare blood diseases either. You do the math.
Tommy Hilfiger wants nothing to do with you.
After the infamous 2006 falling out between Axl Rose and fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger, Tommy vowed to never have anything to do with Axl Rose or anyone associated with him. So Hilfiger's refusal to acknowledge your existence may have deeper meaning than you think.
Animals behave strangely around you.
It's like they know. Especially tigers and squirrels.
You have never been to the Netherlands.
Axl Rose has a legendary hatred for the Dutch, because seriously, fuck those people.
You sometimes get poor cell phone reception.
Most likely caused by transmissions from Axl Rose's privately-owned secret satellite that he uses to monitor you because he is your real dad and he loves you and wants to keep tabs on you at all times. Even in the cold November rain. And yes, "November Rain" is probably about you, too.
You experience unexplained blackouts or time loss.
Those lapses in your memory are probably times that Axl Rose took you to a ball game and then hugged you and let you call him "Pa," but your subconscious erased the memory because it was just too fucking awesome for your conscious mind to handle.
Court-ordered paternity tests proved that neither "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Snake Plissken, or Matthew McConaughey are your real dad.
It's called "Process of Elimination."
One time, you had this really weird dream.
It was about how Axl Rose came to your high school and told everybody he was your real dad and then your fake dad showed up and Axl Rose hit him in the face with a folding chair and then stood over your fake dad's prone form shrieking "Welcome to the jungle, baby! You gonna die!" and then he totally had sex with your mom while everyone cheered. Possibly a secret message transmitted to your brain from Axl Rose's aforementioned satellite.
You spent $38,000 on a life-sized replica doll with over 100 points of articulation custom made to look, feel, and smell exactly like Axl Rose.
And when you position its arms to gently hold you, no place in the world feels safer.
You own the only known hard copy of Chinese Democracy.
And there's a note on the cover, written in permanent marker, reading: Hey bud, enough fucking around. I'm your dad, okay? Love, Daddy Axl.