Congratulations, 2007 graduate!
With the $80,000 drinking binge that was your college career now in the rear-view mirror, you're looking forward to your new adult life with hope in your eyes and a freshly-printed diploma in your hand.
Unfortunately, contrary to what your self-important professors would have you believe, there isn't exactly a huge demand for people with a degree in 17th century Dutch artists in the real world. As such, you may soon find yourself trying in vain to use your diploma to paddle your way back down the shit's-creek you find yourself navigating.
Fortunately, you have us here to guide you through those confusing first few post-graduation months.
First off, let's set your mind at ease by saying that not everything in post-graduate life will be entirely new. In fact, one element thereof will likely be very familiar. Very painfully, humiliatingly familiar:
MOVING BACK TO YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE
Remember those first few difficult months at college, when you had to learn to take on newfound responsibilities? Remember how that adjustment was made easier because with it came the newfound freedom to drink at noon on a Monday and bring a different stranger home to your bed every night? Those days are over, graduate! To your parents, you'll always be their darling seven-year-old child who sometimes wets the bed and who has to get permission to have dinner with friends!
As an example of your new restrictions, look at the following two scenarios and see if you can figure out which is lamer:
Scenario 1: "Last call already? Hey (insert name of cute girl/guy you just met), why don't we head back to my place. I have some beers there, I can roll us a J. You know, just chill."
Scenario 2: "10:30 p.m. already? Hey (insert name of cute girl/guy you just met), why don't we go back to my parents' place before they start to worry? You can just hide in the garage until they go to bed, then I can sneak you upstairs. I have a single bed with Transformers bedsheets and a whole closet full of He-Man action figures. Hey, where are you going? God, I'm lonely."
Obviously, only scenario one has a puncher's chance of resulting in sloppy drunk sex. If scenario two actually works, you might want to reconsider the type of person you try to pick up.
Even if you do manage to impress someone with promises of surreptitious parents'-house coitus, consider the bedroom you now have. Since you left for college, your parents have undoubtedly turned your room into a repository for everything they always wished they had room for. In other words, they'll have kept the room every bit as embarrassing as it ever was, but added plenty of little hints letting you know just how much they've missed you and how happy they are to have you back at home (not much and not at all, respectively).
Why would your loving parents not want you living under their roof again? Because you haven't yet done the one simple thing that they would have most certainly expected you to do in between arriving home and having dinner that same night…