The 5 Most Kick-Ass Apocalyptic Prophecies

#2. Nahui Ollin - The End of the Fifth Era

Source: Aztec mythology

What to watch for:
A total solar eclipse lasting forever. This happens because the Aztec nation was destroyed by Spanish invaders in the 1500s, and hasn't been feeding Nanahuatzin, or the Sun, the human sacrifices he needs to stay healthy and strong. Good going, Spain.

What comes next:
According to most early Central American cultures, the world has already ended four to five times, by methods ranging from flood to armies of hungry jaguars. Our world will apparently get the terrifying Tzitzimime, depicted as either skeletons with rattlesnake penises, or a race of bony, female spider monsters from the stars.

The Aztecs believed the sun would have saved us from the Tzitzimime, had they been allowed to keep feeding it human hearts. But, of course, fucking Spain came along.

Can you survive it?
Read the last description of the Tzitzimime above. Do the bony, spider creatures sound familiar at all?

Yeah. So it's these things, or the army of skeleton monsters. Almost a coin toss.

We won't pull any punches: It's been 500 years since our last heart donation, so the Tzitzimime are long overdue. Today, most humans are too selfish to donate our organs to science, so forget appeasing the wrathful gods. And, we won't even stop driving our SUVs to avert the sun's wrath, so forget about any crash programs to ramp up the human sacrifices.

Maybe Sigourney Weaver will come along and battle their queen from a construction bot, but we're thinking we need to get the hell off this planet anyway, just to be safe. Though our warp engines might tear a passage through to hell or our own ship' artificial intelligence may decide that human life must be extinguished, we have to take the risk because those Aztec gods just do not give a fuck.

A heavy metal album cover for reference:
Helloween - Walls of Jericho

Man, the Aztecs didn't fuck around. Apocalypses were routine with these guys. We're thinking the Aztec prophets couldn't make headlines unless they predicted the world wasn't going to end the next year.

It gives you some perspective on why the Aztecs were so keen on the sacrifices that would keep their gods full and sleepy, even if it does make us wonder just how devastating their apocalypses actually are if they happen more frequently than the Ryder Cup. 7/10.

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