The 5 Most Kick-Ass Apocalyptic Prophecies

There are a lot of apocalyptic scenarios looming out there, in various religious sects in the nooks and crannies of history. Though the scenarios are wildly different in method, you can rest assured that most will leave us all equally dead.

While we can't know which one is actually going to happen, here are the ones we're rooting for, along with the heavy metal album cover each most resembles.

#5. Judgment Day

Source: Christian New Testament

What to watch for:
Four guys on a multicolored assortment of horses will charge across the world, spreading War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. In other words, things will look exactly like they do now, so you'll need to actually see the horses to know something is up.

What comes next:
Few denominations can agree on what happens, and when. The basic idea is that while we all play "Spot the Antichrist" amid tornadoes and earthquakes, pretty much every comet in the universe hits Earth, turning the rivers and seas to poison blood. Mankind fights a gargantuan war involving 200 million soldiers. Then, invincible scorpion locusts swarm across the land, stinging the crap out of everyone who hasn't been marked by God.

Satan walks the Earth. Then, after a period of time somewhere between seven to 1,000 years, Jesus returns with tears of love in his eyes, and gives everyone a pass to Heaven.

Ha, no, we were kidding. The Good Shepherd divides the survivors into "sheep" and "goats." Guess which group spends an eternity in everlasting fire.

Can you survive it?
The Christian apocalypse is tricky. Some sects say the believers will be sucked off Earth before any of the most terrible stuff happens, leaving the other 99 percent of humanity to suffer the millennium of unspeakable horrors. Others think the believers will be left to do battle with Satan' hordes along with the rest of the godless heathens.

Luckily, according to the Bible, all this can only come when no one is expecting it. So we're safe for now, thanks to this article.

A heavy metal album cover for reference:
Iron Maiden - The Number of the Beast

Seven separate seals, trumpets, thunders and judgments, including war and disease and meteors and monsters ... at times the author seemed to be spinning the Wheel O' Disaster to see what kind of horror would strike the world next. It's all over the place and honestly, it just feels like piling on. We give it a 4/10.

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