The 2nd to 10th Craziest Things Keith Richards Snorted
In a recent interview with NME Magazine, Keith Richards-the seemingly immortal 63 year-old guitarist for the Rolling Stones who used to use uncut heroin in the same way that most people use salt-said that the craziest thing he'd ever snorted in forty years of the drug-fueled rock star lifestyle was a line of his own father's cremated ashes mixed with cocaine.
Clearly, this man is an inspiration to us all.
His manager later claimed that it was all a joke, but the fact that nobody was really that surprised at the whole thing says an awful lot about Keith Richards. Even more, though, it just begs the question as to what the second craziest thing he's managed to suck up his nose in the pursuit of satisfaction might be, and, well, we're not ones to let something like that go unanswered, so after an exhaustive bit of research, we've come up with some possibilities:
- A sick child's most precious wish.
- A handful of Pixie Stix. Man, those things got him wired!
- An entire set of the 1973 Encyclopedia Britannica, minus the letter N.
- Aleister Crowley's Scottish mansion, brick by ground-up brick.
- Half a gram of cocaine. (Admittedly, this one doesn't sound that unusual, but when you take into account the fact that he snorted it off a life-sized ice sculpture of Sonny Chiba's penis at one of David Bowie's Halloween parties...)
- Five years of his own life, extracted by some eldritch machine which I shall not mention here.
- At least fourteen endangered species.
- The inspirational messages of fitness superstar John Basedow.
- The entire sixteen-hour cut of Berlin Alexanderplatz.
- The aborted fetus of Marianne Faithful and Mick Jagger's love child.








f**k everyone ever, this s**t had me jizzing a constant stream out of most of my orifices at the "Aleister Crowleys Scottish Mansion" bit. Due to hilarity.
Reply... -I was trying to state that I found this humorous. And that f**k you.
Chris Sims, I sincerely hope your first son is both bad at sports and at a loss when talking to women.
Replyholy fuck. cracked has really ran out of funny
ReplyThe article is from 2007. They got funnier, they didn't run out of funny.
I FREAKING LOVE SNORTING PIXIE STICKS.
ReplyThis was quite awful. Good thing it was short.
ReplyI know it's Keith Richards but uncut heroine.
ReplyThis is the absolute best, as well as most noteworthy usage of pie chart statistics modern science has used in the last century.
Replythe pie chart is a commercial for lumocity or am i missing something?
yeah, i see no pie chart...
Well done. This is without question the unfunniest "funny" thing I've ever read. The passenger list from the Titanic would be a riot in comparison.
ReplyThis is the best shoutout to the Berlin Alexanderplatz ever to exist.
ReplyI don't get how this is an article...
Replydon't say 'beg the question' when you mean 'raise the question' .. also good article, gave me a great laugh
Replyive snorted pixie sticks before, so painful, my snot was blue for a week.
ReplyI think he snorted a Humvee once too.
ReplyCracked: Back to basics. Screw paragraphs, what readers want is Lists. More Lists!!!
ReplyWhen I die, I hope someone snorts my ashes.
ReplyThis. Especially combined with a hallucinogen, so every time they trip they're reminded of me.
yeah man. you need to get this guy to write more, cracked.
ReplyThat's What I'm Talkin' Bout
Replyhaha I love Keith Rchards