President Bush's Letter to the Iraqi Prime Minister

President Bush will meet this week with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to discuss the violence that is spiraling out of control in Iraq.  Mr. Bush sent a letter to al-Maliki inviting him to discuss the crisis.  Most don’t know that such a letter goes through a proofreader before it is released.  The proofreader checks for grammatical, factual and logical errors and returns it to the President.  Normally, that document is never seen again, but we managed to get our hands on the first draft of the letter written by President Bush to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.

Dear Prime Mister (Minister) al-Maliki, First let me congratulate you on your extreme makeover. I noticed you trimmed your moustache, lost some weight and shaved your hairline back a bit. Even those judges you’re always yelling at will have to admit you look handsome. (I’m not gay by the way.) (Prime Minister al-Maliki has not undergone an “extreme makeover.” You are confusing him with Saddam Hussein, whom you removed from power. As a side note here, no one would purposely shave his hairline back. Also, I don’t think you will have to worry that the Prime Minister will think you’re coming on to him simply because you’re complimenting his appearance.) A little bird told me your country is heading towards a civil war. That’s cool. We had one of those too. It’s pretty crazy. If you’re standing north of someone and they’re standing south of you, you have to fight. It’s pretty confusing, but cool. (First, a President should never say that “a little birdie” told him about something crucial to world security. Second, a civil war is much more organized than your understanding. If what you’re describing were true, everyone would be fighting.) There are several things you can do if you want to stop people from punching, kicking, slapping, pinching, blowing up, bow and arrowing (this is no longer a common practice) and shooting each other (just say “if you want to stop the violence”). First, have you checked your laws? Murder and attacking people without a license may be illegal in which case a lot of people could be in a lot of trouble. (Murder is illegal in every country and I am certain that the Prime Minister knows that breaking the law leads to punishment. You’re telling him something that even first graders understand.) Also, have you tried shocking and awing them? Here’s what you do. First you surprise them—the shock—then you disappoint them—the aw. We shocked and awed this one country, it was awesome. First we bombed the crap out of some city and people were all like “Whoa man!” (the shock) and then they were like “Aw man, they messed up all of our buildings!”(the aw). We never had problems with that country since. (First, it’s “awe” not “aw.” Besides, saying the Iraqi people were disappointed with the destruction of their cities would be seen as an insensitive understatement. Second, the country we launched a shock and awe campaign against was Iraq! Reminding the Prime Minister of this will likely infuriate him, since this is the reason his country is in turmoil in the first place.) Hey, remember when we found you in that spider hole? (He’s not Saddam!) Were the spiders friendly to you or were they jerks? I woke up once and there was a spider in my bed and he was a super big jerk. No matter how many times I yelled at him to get out of my bed he wouldn’t. When I finally decided to use deadly force he made a sneaky getaway. Apparently this spider had tied a thin piece of string to my ceiling fan and when I looked up he had already climbed up and was sitting on one of the blades.         (This paragraph must be deleted from this letter. However, this is a good time to point out some misconceptions you have about spiders. First, they don’t have the capacity to be “jerks.” They’re just spiders. Second, spiders don’t tie strings around ceiling fans; you witnessed it making a web. I’m going to send the head of the Department of Wildlife to your office tomorrow to explain further.) Anyway, I want to know if you want to get coffee or something to talk about how bad your country is. If it would make you feel more comfortable, we could double up. I could bring the king of Canada and you could bring one of the presidents of one of the bad guy countries. (I’m not gay by the way.) (He’s not going to think you’re gay! However, this is not a date and you don’t need to “double up.” Also, Canada does not have a king and telling him to bring someone from one of the “bad guy” nations implies that he is a bad guy.) I know we should meet some place neutral. I’m thinking the ocean or space. Either one. Let me know. (While meeting someplace neutral is a good thought, you can’t go to outer space and the ocean is not a good place to hold an important meeting.) I’ve got to let you go, I have another letter, (You don’t need to make up fake excuses to end a letter.) (On a positive note, I’m very pleased that you finally seemed to have grasped the concept that Prime Minister al-Maliki’s first name is not Al or Albert as you kept referring to him in meetings. However, this letter needs much work. I’ll revise it and get it back to you as soon as possible.)