To Whom It May Concern;
I am responsible for the death of JonBenet Ramsey.
I loved her, and her death was accidental, but I am responsible for her death. Really, REALLY responsible.
In 1996, while employed as a substitute teacher in Marion County Alabama, I accidentally assaulted and killed JonBenet accidentally in connection with my love for her, despite the fact my ex wife says I was home in Alabama at the time. My wife’s lack of understanding my love for JonBenet and my subsequent obsession with her murder is the main reason she divorced me, so it’s only natural she would lie about my not having been in the part of the country she was killed in during the time she got killed. Also, she was mad about my being into child pornography. I did kill JonBenet though. Accidentally. Seriously.
I mean, I did flee the country. They did catch up with me in Bangkok and I was consulting with doctors about getting a sex change, so I think it’s pretty clear I’m crazy. The JonBenet accidentally killing kind of crazy, though. Not that other kind of crazy where you get obsessed with a crime and then eventually come to believe you committed it even though you couldn’t have. That’s a different kind of crazy that I don’t have. Because if I did, I never would have accidentally killed her.
I felt a lot of guilt over the way the media simply assumed her Mom and or Dad killed her. I think the media circus, the incessant hounding of innocents, was unforgivable and frankly it made me a little jealous. Because the media circus was rightly mine. Since I totally killed her and everything. I mean, her parents weren’t fascinating the way I am. Did they ever think about getting a sex change? When they were in the spotlight, did they stare balefully into the cameras the way I do, their gaze a haunted reminder of the evil that lurks in all our souls? Did they, in short, love their daughter enough to claim out of a clear blue sky to have been responsible for her accidental death even though it was clear as day they couldn’t have been involved at all? No. They are not that guy. I am that guy. And that’s why I had to become as famous as I now am. So that the media would never again so irresponsibly exploit an innocent, helpless lunatic. I mean person. People. In this case. JonBenet’s parents. Because I really, really am the one who accidentally killed her. Sincerely.
I also want to point out that I am also responsible for another unsolved murder of a child in a town I think I even did live in around the time that she died, but that murder wasn’t as famous as this one, and I truly regret becoming obsessed with that case because it was tragic, but not very famous. Oh, and a big, big sorry to Charles and Mrs. Lindbergh, and to that guy who lent me a time machine so I could kidnap and preside over the accidental death of their baby. And also, a heartfelt Mea Culpa to the time machine guy, who’s invention I promised not to misuse for the purposes of loving a child in the past so much that the died and justice went unreserved until now. I couldn’t stop myself, and I think you can see in my searing gaze that I really, really did these accidental murders and for sure it’s me, so go ahead and scamper all over this story like flies laying eggs on a dead dog’s carcass.
Thanks for your time. You can take your pictures now.