More Practical Merit Badges

The Boy Scouts recently introduced a new Copyright Merit Badge. Among other requirements to earn the badge—this is true—scouts must learn how to identify five types of copyrighted works and visit a movie studio to see how many people can be harmed by film piracy.

We at CRACKED are concerned that badges like this distract Scouts from much more practical endeavors in line with their tradition as a pragmatic outdoors group. That is why we devised some much more useful merit badges for scouts to earn in the coming year.

Methcooking

Crystal meth is an important income supplement for rural Americans. Scouts should be trained in its safe manufacture and distribution because, let’s face it, when these kids grow up they’re certainly not going to be making any dough off their knot-tying and bird-calling skills.

Requirements

  • Write out the basic ingredients for cooking crystal meth in your home.
  • Provide your Troop leader with free sample to gauge its purity.
  • Describe one way you plan to prevent tweakers from raiding your stash.
  • Explain the phrase “Don't Get High on Your Own Supply.”

Yesman

Yes Scoutmaster, sir! The scouts, like any proto-military organization, run on a strict hierarchy. That’s why they are perfect to become the future yesmen in tomorrow’s corporate world. The Yesman learns to recognize the authority of his betters, to think inside the box, and to appreciate his place in the social food chain.

Requirements

  • Clean your Scoutmaster's basement, pool, and garage.
  • Obtain an Org Chart from your parents' employment. Ask them to explain why they can’t get promoted.
  • Write a 200-word essay titled “Knowing My Place.”

Bondage

Earning the Yesman badge (see above) will get a scout lackey-status but will also spur much inner rage and angst as he takes everybody’s crap each day. It’s important than that scouts develop a safety valve now to avoid a future as a convicted serial rapist. Why not take out all this frustration completely legally on your wife/girlfriend/prostitute?

Requirements

  • Decide on a 'safe' word. Tell your Scoutmaster your 'safe' word.
  • Discuss the difference between a top and a bottom.
  • Design some nipple clamps and test them out on a friend.
  • Build a diorama of your ideal dungeon.

Mallwalking

A cherished tenant of the Scouts is outdoor survival. But as the American population continues to boom it gets harder and harder to find any outdoors. Today’s Scout needs to learn how to survive in today’s environment. Today’s scout needs to know how to navigate the mall.

Requirements

  • Using only a map and a compass, figure out how to get to the Nordstrom's cafe.
  • Learn to identify all species of fake plants at the center of the food court.
  • Visit the Foot Locker and learn which sneaker is best to absorb the rigors of mall escalators.

TASER Safety

Guns are cool. But you don’t really get to use them on people. If you do, it just leads to all kind of headaches and court dates. So why not a Taser? It has a cool name, it shoots sparks, and you can try it on people you dislike without incurring a murder rap. Scouts should start preparing now so they can snap one up the second they hit 18.

Requirements

  • Talk about how to sweep the area to identify anyone with a video camera, and Tase them.
  • Explain the difference between the 500 kilovolt and 900 kilovolt model.
  • Show how to reuse the Taser's built-in defibrillator to restart somebody's heart.
  • Demonstrate your new knowledge by breaking up an anti-war protest.