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The Boy Scouts recently introduced a new Copyright Merit Badge. Among other requirements to earn the badge—this is true—scouts must learn how to identify five types of copyrighted works and visit a movie studio to see how many people can be harmed by film piracy.

We at CRACKED are concerned that badges like this distract Scouts from much more practical endeavors in line with their tradition as a pragmatic outdoors group. That is why we devised some much more useful merit badges for scouts to earn in the coming year.


Methcooking

Crystal meth is an important income supplement for rural Americans. Scouts should be trained in its safe manufacture and distribution because, let’s face it, when these kids grow up they’re certainly not going to be making any dough off their knot-tying and bird-calling skills.

Requirements

  • Write out the basic ingredients for cooking crystal meth in your home.
  • Provide your Troop leader with free sample to gauge its purity.
  • Describe one way you plan to prevent tweakers from raiding your stash.
  • Explain the phrase “Don't Get High on Your Own Supply.”


Yesman

Yes Scoutmaster, sir!
The scouts, like any proto-military organization, run on a strict hierarchy. That’s why they are perfect to become the future yesmen in tomorrow’s corporate world. The Yesman learns to recognize the authority of his betters, to think inside the box, and to appreciate his place in the social food chain.

Requirements

  • Clean your Scoutmaster's basement, pool, and garage.
  • Obtain an Org Chart from your parents' employment. Ask them to explain why they can’t get promoted.
  • Write a 200-word essay titled “Knowing My Place.”


Bondage

Earning the Yesman badge (see above) will get a scout lackey-status but will also spur much inner rage and angst as he takes everybody’s crap each day. It’s important than that scouts develop a safety valve now to avoid a future as a convicted serial rapist. Why not take out all this frustration completely legally on your wife/girlfriend/prostitute?

Requirements

  • Decide on a 'safe' word. Tell your Scoutmaster your 'safe' word.
  • Discuss the difference between a top and a bottom.
  • Design some nipple clamps and test them out on a friend.
  • Build a diorama of your ideal dungeon.


Mallwalking

A cherished tenant of the Scouts is outdoor survival. But as the American population continues to boom it gets harder and harder to find any outdoors. Today’s Scout needs to learn how to survive in today’s environment. Today’s scout needs to know how to navigate the mall.

Requirements

  • Using only a map and a compass, figure out how to get to the Nordstrom's cafe.
  • Learn to identify all species of fake plants at the center of the food court.
  • Visit the Foot Locker and learn which sneaker is best to absorb the rigors of mall escalators.


TASER Safety

Guns are cool. But you don’t really get to use them on people. If you do, it just leads to all kind of headaches and court dates. So why not a Taser? It has a cool name, it shoots sparks, and you can try it on people you dislike without incurring a murder rap. Scouts should start preparing now so they can snap one up the second they hit 18.

Requirements

  • Talk about how to sweep the area to identify anyone with a video camera, and Tase them.
  • Explain the difference between the 500 kilovolt and 900 kilovolt model.
  • Show how to reuse the Taser's built-in defibrillator to restart somebody's heart.
  • Demonstrate your new knowledge by breaking up an anti-war protest.


Quarters

With their identical uniforms and strict rules, Scouts encourage conformity and destroy individuality. When the uniforms get too tight and scouts leave for college, they will be eager to fit in again, and probably satisfy this by joining a college frat. So it’s important for the Scout to start learning now how to drink heavily and vomit in his shoes without crashing the car you're taking to the sorority semi-formal.

Requirements

  • Explain the rules of Quarters and Beer Pong, or Create your own drinking game.
  • Learn the rules on blood alcohol content in your state, and tell your Scoutmaster of one reliable way to beat a breathalyzer test.
  • Discover where your parents keep their best hooch.
  • Find out what is meant by "Beer then liquor, never sicker."


The Profiler

In our country, we know that everyone is equal, but it's important to learn that some people become equal by doing illegal things. The Profiler badge will teach how to judge a book by its color.

Requirements

  • In a crowd, pick out the person most likely to steal your car radio or hubcaps.
  • Visit your local airport, and make a sketch of terrorists who are getting through security. Tell why you think a person wearing a turban is more likely to have a bomb than a person wearing a crucifix necklace.
  • Learn about organizations that are trying to destroy the ACLU.  


GAYDAR

A cherished tradition of scouts is excluding homosexuals. Unfortunately, with the rise of “metros,” bona fide gays are also getting trickier to spot. A Scout should be able to tell the difference between sensitive men who might use hair products, but are really straight, and those hellbound fudge packers who plot to ruin our country by infecting the rest of us with their limp-wristed values.

Requirements

  • Beat up one boy at your school who has long hair and/or writes poetry.
  • Field trip with Scoutmaster to hair salon or Ani DiFranco concert to observe them in their natural setting.
  • Tell the difference between a ‘fag hag’ and a ‘beard’.


Home Improvement

Hanging out with boys all day in the woods while learning to whittle from older guys doesn’t exactly make “Ladies men” out of Scouts. So if Scouts ever want to land a date, they better count on some help in wooing them, like rohypnol or, better yet, a nice house impress women with.

Requirements

  • Explain how "Home Improvement" beats the crap out of "This Old House."
  • Design a home improvement project and buy supplies from the Home Depot
  • Buy materials a second time after you've fucked it up.
  • Call a contractor and beg them to do the job right.
  • Call the contractor six months later and ask why they haven't finished the job even though they cashed your check.

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