It' graduation time, and you know what that means: off to war! However, those flat-footed few not joining your eligible brethren overseas will be forced to join the workforce. And while your main competition for jobs will be cowards, communists and the occasional woman, it is still advisable to be prepared to clear the first professional hurtle you'll face: the job interview.
I. RESUME PRESENTATION
There are three basic ways to prepare to make a good first impression: (1) studying up on the company ahead of time, (2) grooming yourself into a state of intense sexual desirability and (3) preparing a professional looking resume. Before you head into your interview, put your resume to this stringent three-step test.
- Times New Roman
- Each letter printed in a different font
Correct answer: C. Alternating the font you use so that each letter presents a new and exciting surprise shows that you know your way around a computer and reminds your interviewer of a ransom note. Translation: you're in charge here.
2. Your resume should be printed using:
- An old, out of date laser printer
- A professional looking inkjet printer
- Your own blood
Correct answer:C. Nothing makes you stand out from the pack and communicates how badly you need health insurance more than self-mutilation.
3. Your resume should be printed on this kind of paper:
- Smudged and crumpled
- Crisp and white
- Wrapped around a brick and hurled thrown through your interviewer' window
Correct answer: C (again). Talk about an attention grabber! While the resume will most likely have disintegrated by the time your interviewer stomps out the fire, his curiosity will certainly be piqued, although it will quickly subside when he looks out his shattered window to see you standing in the parking lot with a lighter and a can of WD-40. How did you get the brick through his 47th-floor window? You're a go-getter, that's how.
II. RESUME CONTENT
Now that you've gotten your interviewer's attention, what should your resume actually say? You don't want to appear braggadocios but at the same time you need to "sell" yourself, meaning convince the interviewer to overlook your lengthy juvenile delinquency record.
- Can kill a chicken dead with only one hand
- Once watched an entire 25-episode season of Magnum P.I. without sleeping
- Proficient in SEGA
- Hardly wets the bed at all anymore
- Can recite the entire book of Leviticus from memory
- LIKE TO EAT RAW STEAK EVERY TUESDAY FOR BREAKFAST!
- Almost no problem working with Jews
- Have successfully kissed the tip of my own penis/vagina
- Clicky, clicky: I can use a mouse
- Have had sex before and am not a virgin
- Likes to watch you sleep
- All I want to do is zoom a zoom zoom zoom in a boom boom
- Really, am not a virgin
- Recently threw away pretty much all of my pornography collection
- Have been featured on national television shows America's Most Wanted, COPS and The Tony Danza Show
One should always go into an interview in a state of intense paranoia. A handy rule of thumb: any hostile thought you can imagine running through the interviewer' mind should be assumed valid and engaged.
Also, it's best to deprive yourself of all forms of sexual gratification for as many years as possible in advance of the interview. This technique is known on the street either as "The Jake Lamotta" or "Greg Gumbeling."
Be sure to have a defense prepared for any weak spots like your low class rank or the soft, fleshy spot under your jaw that you sometimes leave prone during knife fights.
IV. THE ACTUAL INTERVIEW
It's important that you not be afraid to ask questions. For example, "Is it always this fucking cold in here?" is a good one. Additionally, the following inquiries will show the potential employer that you have a keen and curious intellect
- How many tattoos do you have?
- You think that's a lot of tattoos?
- Want to guess how many tattoos I have?
NOTE: While these are declarations more than they are questions, this will clue your prospective employer in to your virility.
Congratulations! By now, you have successfully obtained your dream job. Feel free to print out and send this handy advice document to other recent graduates who might be looking for a job. And remember-always fill your printer with blood instead of ink!