5 Alternatives to Christianity to Consider

Although technically it's the opposite of religion, there are a lot of atheist fanatics that treat it like one. They lobby to get God's name off our money, freak out over prayer in school, and expect their brain to receive a prize every time it manages to punch a hole in the air tight logic of religious texts. Surprisingly, the rest of the world is rarely impressed when one of them deduces there are no flying archer babies living in the clouds.

Why do they try so hard to spread their message of nothing? The best thing about being an atheist should be all the reading, arguing, and thinking you don't have to do.


Did you know there isn't really a law to seperate church and state? Whenever you hear that phrase, it's referring to a letter that Thomas Jefferson wrote in 1802 to a Baptist group, not something that's in the Constitution. George W. could change our pledge of allegience to "Goddy God (To the Rhythm of the Night)," and the only thing we could complain about is how awesome that would be.


Recently, atheist outrage managed to keep the intelligent design theory out of classrooms. Which at first seemed like a great victory for common sense, but was all that protest time worth it? Let's do an experiment to see how long it takes for a child to learn intelligent design in its entirety. Go! "Intelligent design: maybe someone magically made everything." Done! The positive side effect of the theory is that no child will be left behind when every answer on every test is the word "Jesus."


Q: A black guy, a Puerto Rican, and a Catholic priest are in a boat. Who is rowing?

A: Whoa, keep your religion out of my aquatic sports, pal! But hold on, is the answer "a cop?"

Scientology takes the basic concept of spirituality and modernizes it with the fruitiness of self-help and the insanity of martians. Even Scientologists themselves seem to know how ludicrous they are, so their recruiters disguise themselves as "Free Stress Testers" and most of their doctrine isn't available until you pay for it. This is a brilliant idea that all nutbar cults should adopt. Think about it: when Scientologists pay $10,000 to find out their faith is based on outer space

monsters living in their bodies and forcing them to behave irrationally, it'd be a total waste of money at that point to admit how stupid that is. Only an idiot would buy themselves a religion-but only a MASSIVE idiot would buy themselves a religion, then not believe in it.


Scientologists believe that 75,000,000 years ago, Earth was called Teegeeack and enjoyed life as one of 76 planets controlled by the galactic overlord Xenu. As intriguing and not-made-up as this sounded, our budget didn't allow us to buy the second sentence of the saga of

Scientology. Luckily the entire Scientology belief system is built on the rantings of a nerd, so we can probably guess the rest: Chewbacca defeated Xenu with the ruby of Cyttorak, but his thetan will reform in the tentacled spawn of Tom Cruise to kill the Smurfs if it's the last thing it does. Captain Kirk has to fight it, and Voltron is all PCHU-PCHU!


By the time you're reading this, scientologist enforcers have already killed the author.


Q: How many scientologists does it take to pilot a rowboat?

A: Eight. Four to merge their brains into a hivemind, one to command it to remove the overt acts from the boat's time track, and three to capture and milk an alien.

Wicca is the worship of an Earth Goddess, and is often associated with potions, spells, and bad poetry. Yet the modern witch is more environmentalist than wizard, and only occasionally replaces a baby with a changeling. Their supernatural powers are still feared by many of the other religions, despite the fact that common sense suggests this to be retarded. It's still popular among young women not only because of its female-gendered deity, but because it wasn't that long ago that we burned these people alive, and that's exactly the type of oppression angsty teens need to turn an ordinary diary into an epic tale of misery.


Witches cast fantastical spells! And while most religions also believe in wondrous acts of the impossible, prayers for miracles have been striking out for thousands of years, and much of that time was spent inventing excuses. For example, when a Christian prays for God to let them buy cigarettes with food stamps, there are many explanations at the ready for when it doesn't work... He works in mysterious ways; Satan controls tobacco legislation; or maybe God was busy co-piloting an SUV through Arizona. With Wiccan, these fail-safes aren't as built in.

So when eight girls in corsets and capes spend a month trying to conjure Yuggoth and all they have to show for it is a synchronized menstrual cycle, the implications that they're just being silly are more severe.


Modern Wiccans spend the majority of their time angrily debunking the public's notion that witches fly around on broomsticks, talking to the devil. Which is something they realistically should have thought of before they joined a religion famous for flying around on broomsticks, talking to the devil. The best way for these grumpy pagans to convince us they're not evil is to stop raising the dead with the blood of our pets.


Q: How is a witch different from a rowboat?

A: Rowboats don't squirt cockroaches when you stab them with an enchanted dagger.

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