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Woody Allen in Cancun

Hollywood is buzzing about Woody Allen's upcoming Matchpoint, a London-based thriller that marks the director's first film set outside of New York City. Allen was so pleased with the change of tempo that he plans to try a new genre and location for his next project as well. That film, a teen sex romp starring Allen himself as a horny frat boy in Cancun, is scheduled for release this Spring. We got our hands on a copy of the script, and have excerpted a monologue below.

"Spring break...tch...what am I doing in Cancun? Everyone acts as if, you know, it's not spring in any english speaking region in the Northern Hemisphere. I mean, I would probably be having more fun in Wales, and I don't think the sun has been out in Wales since 1983.

At least I wouldn't have to, to take my shirt off there. Look at me. Look at how white my skin is. I mean, transportation authorities should declare no-fly zones over wherever I'm sunbathing so, so that pilots aren't blinded by the glare from my torso.

And this tattoo that Tyler made me get when I was drunk. "Whatever happens in Cancun stays in Cancun." Tch. What does that mean? I mean what does that even mean, really? What am I — conducting mafia hits down here? I guess Tyler thinks that when we get back to college, the students who didn't come to Cancun are going to torture me until I admit that, tch, that he was taking body shots off the waitress at Senor Frogs.

Tch...Hillary's up on the bar again. Hillary who used to find me very sexy and like it when I made love to her...I mean what is she doing? What is she doing up there? She doesn't even like to dance and she thinks her breasts are strange looking. Honestly, she kept her top on during our first week of lovemaking because she thought that her breasts sagged. Now she's showing them to 47 people because she was asked by a guy with a megaphone who, you know, who looks like a spider monkey with a sunburn?

I mean I don't even find this sexy. I mean not even really sexy at all. Tch, she must be drunk, or, or maybe it's the sun. Our parents told us that the sun was good for us and look what it does...I feel like I came to the Kentucky Derby with Catherine the Great."
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