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What Your Girlfriend's Hollywood Crush Says About You

Matthew McConaughey

Why It Bodes Well
Having a crush on a man composed entirely of bong resin probably means getting stoned every day is A-OK in your girlfriend' book. Plus, doesn't he sound just a little bit stupid and redneckish? You could take him if it came to it. At bar trivia.

Why You're Screwed
In spite of his hemp poncho-and-bongos appearance, he actually seems pretty intelligent, which makes you and your dropped-out-of-community-college-to-smoke-pot life seem almost inadequate somehow.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Why It Bodes Well
He' apparently fallen into the habit-popularized by Benicio Del Toro-of looking a little bit more like a toad every day. By the time he' 35, he'll have his own wild ride at Disneyland.

Why You're Screwed
If you squint really hard, he still looks like the guy from Titanic, which-as anyone knows-is a powerful industrial-strength lubricant specifically designed to open squeaky, rusty, clamped-shut thighs.

James Dean

Why It Bodes Well
From one end of the spectrum to the other, James Dean is dead. And not even still-warm dead. We're talking lonnnnng dead.

Why You're Screwed
Because he died young, he'll never follow the same downward spiral faced by such former heartthrobs as Marlon Brando and Harrison Ford. Oh, and you. You're getting a little soft around the edges there, fatty.

Tobey Maguire

Why It Bodes Well
There' no nice way to put this: the guy' kind of a nerd. And if your girlfriend' into nerds" well, there' no nice way to put this: you're also kind of a nerd.

Why You're Screwed
He' exactly the kind of Nerdy Nice Guy your girlfriend always said she wanted to date before she went through her Bad Boy phase. You know, that phase she had right up until she met you, where she slept with a couple of dozen junkies before "settling down with a nice guy" (read: stopped having awesomely freaky dirty sex).

Brad Pitt

Why It Bodes Well
He' sleeping with Angelina Jolie, which according to the Hepatitis-O-Meter, makes him a prime candidate for all kinds of STDs.

Why You're Screwed
Most STDs are curable these days, and the ones that aren't can be dealt with by ignoring them. At least, according to your slutty girlfriend they can. Really, what do you see in her?

Taye Diggs

Why It Bodes Well
Sure, he' attractive, well built and has no real known character flaws. And yeah, maybe he' rich and famous. I suppose all of that' alright if you're into that sort of thing.

Why You're Screwed
Face it, you're pretty much screwed.

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