We can learn so much from Wesley Snipes. Few celebrities offer us such profound wisdom-a clear path to enlightenment. Sure, Tom Sizemore comes to mind, but that' more of a "Don't smoke crystal meth," do-what-he-doesn't-do kind of wisdom.
Wesley Snipes has a remarkably simple and consistent philosophy that is expressed through his films-even the direct-to-video ones, of which there are a sizable number. Wesley simply and humbly would call his life-system, "Being Wesley Snipes." We call it The Wesley Snipes Way.
By exhaustively watching every Wesley Snipes movie-yes, we watched Futuresport-CRACKED has distilled the philosophy of Wesley Snipes into one brief and easy-to-read article. Beat that, Christianity.
Prepare yourself. Your world view is about to get a roundhouse kick in the face, Wesley Snipes style.
"Always bet on black."
In this film about one man's attempt to take on an airliner hijacking, Wesley Snipes engages in a time-honored, action-movie tradition: Talking shit to European terrorists on the phone. They have this exchange:
Wesley Snipes: "You ever play roulette?"
European terrorist: "On occasion."
Wesley Snipes: "Well, let me give you a little piece of advice: Always bet on black!"
In the context of the film, Wesley Snipes is basically saying, "I, a black man, am coming to beat your white European terrorist ass." But, what is Wesley Snipes telling those of us who are not European terrorists? What deeper meaning has Wesley Snipes hidden in the simple phrase, "Always bet on black?"
Because Wesley Snipes has completely and utterly mastered the martial arts, there are those who believe he teaches us a relativist, Eastern philosophy. These people are fucking idiots. The Wesley Snipes Way is steeped in a Manicheistic tradition, dividing the universe between the forces of Wesley Snipes (black) and things that Wesley Snipes kicks in the head (white things you shouldn't bet on).
Thus, when Wesley Snipes tells us to "Always bet on black," he is really inviting us to embrace and accept the duality of the cosmos, to sit at his feet and accept his wisdom "¦ or get kicked in the head. Those are your options. That is the Wesley Snipes Way.
"Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill."
It is always at this point in our presentation when some disbelievers (hereafter referred to as "motherfuckers") claim that, in fact, some professional screen writer wrote the words of wisdom history has attributed to Wesley.
Oh, you sad, doubting motherfuckers. Go to your Wesley shrine right now and pull out the Blade DVD. Turn on the commentary track and skip ahead to the climactic battle in the subterranean vampire city between Snipes and the evil mayor of vampires, Deacon Frost. There, in the commentary track, you will hear David Goyer state that the line, "Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill" came from Snipes himself.
Oh, he didn't suggest it for the film. They overheard him use it in a motherfucking conversation.
The screenwriters were so overwhelmed with the line's mind-melting profundity that they shit where they stood, before rushing off to add it to the script. In the final version of the film, Snipes utters the line just moments before kicking a villain in a special way that causes the villain to explode. The fact that some motherfuckers are, in fact, always trying to ice skate uphill was the last piece of wisdom the antagonist carried into the afterlife (The writers don't mention if Snipes delivered an exploding kick to punctuate the real-world conversation they overheard, but their silence on the subject suggests he probably did.).
And, what a piece of wisdom it is. Though Wesley chose to speak in the language of poetry and metaphor, the meaning is clear: The nonbelieving motherfuckers are constantly in a state of futile rebellion against the universe. Wesley demonstrates, through his actions, that he will personally confront the motherfuckers and "kick" them into a state of "explosion." Snipes scholars believe this is a symbol for actual, kick-induced explosive dismemberment of the human body.