This is Fetus J. Trump, the as yet unnamed fetus of Donald J. Trump and Melania Knauss Trump, blogging with you again.
The editors at CRACKED.com tell me that the number of hits for my blog are through the roof. This is now the world's most popular and luxurious blog and that is because when a Trump puts his name on something, it means quality. No other fetus has such a successful blog- not TomKat's radiation-overloaded fetus. Not Bennifer's talentless fetus. Only Trump.
In fact, this blog is so popular that it may even become a primetime show that will air after my father's show, The Apprentice. My father and I are already in discussions with Mark Burnett about the format, which will be nothing less than spectacular. Nothing else can save NBC right now- not Martha Stewart's cancelled drivel, not Joey, not My Name is Earl, not ER- which has clearly jumped the shark. Only another Trump in primetime, America.
The last time I was with you, I told you about my truly marvelous conception. Today, I want to share with you what it means to be a Trump fetus and to live in a womb that is absolutely stunning and, quite simply, the best in the world.
My mother, Melania Knauss Trump, has a beautiful mound of hair at the front entranceway of her spectacular vagina that is very tastefully groomed and kept. Each night, her lush pubic area is lovingly trimmed by my father's eunuch dwarves.
Dressed in fine silk pajamas, these dwarves use miniature scissors to ever-so-gently trim each strand of pubic hair one at a time. The results are truly spectacular. The pubic clippings are then collected and woven into the finest thread and fabric known to man. Some of that thread is used in my father's expensively tailored suits. Soon, you too can experience the luxury that is Trump pubic hair. We will be coming out with a full line of products using the pubic thread, including the new Trump Dental Floss, which will be available next month.
Our friend Regis was visiting with us the other day and saw my mother, Melania Knauss Trump's, vagina and let me tell you that even he was impressed. The vagina boasts 9-inch raised ceilings and a remarkable seven crystal chandeliers located throughout. The walls of the womb are accented with gold leaf and capped with a dome featuring a modern-day recreation of Michelangelo's sublime painting of creation that adorns the Sistine Chapel, with my father, Donald J. Trump, substituted as God.
The natural fragrance of my mother's womb is like the perfect mix of lilac and jasmine. Now you too can smell Melania Knauss Trump's vagina when the new Trump perfume, Trump Vagine, hits Bloomingdale's this week- just in time for Christmas. It is a truly spectacular fragrance.
And if all that weren't enough, it gets even better. My mother, Melania Knauss Trump, has a vagina that is lubricated with all of the world's known vitamins and minerals, along with the world's finest oils. The result: a vagina that is moist and fresh at all times. We are planning to bottle these essential fluids and make them available next spring as the new Trump Douche. I welcome you to try this fantastic voyage and to feel what it means to be a Trump Douche. It will truly be spectacular.